http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
i don't know how to post anything but pictures on here, otherwise i would try to post this. it's AMAZING. follow the link and watch it and then read the rest of this, because it has everything to do with everything right now...
this week i am just fighting. its like every demon i've ever had to fight is ganging up on me and i feel like that girl in the video that is just clawing her way to Jesus.
the sermon on sunday was so applicable to everything it was just amazing. and even more applicable as this week continues to unfold. dave johnson talked about struggling, and how it is impossible to defeat anything-- any kind of sin, any kind of battle-- if you have no hope. and sometimes its easy to lose hope when the same weeds just keep regrowing and regrowing, but Jesus came to life as a human for a reason-- to show that it is possible. to show that you can overcome sin, you can overcome pain. he experienced it all as a human so that we could know that we, as humans, can really be like Him. we're not trying to be superman, this is actually something we can overcome.
i've had a hard week. i mean, its finals, but there's so much more than that. my dad didn't get his job. my brother's having a really hard time with his ex. my self esteem is rock bottom. i just can't let go and forgive anyone. and now i feel like i've lost a friend. and its hard to not feel alone, like God isn't really listening.
but i had the most amazing revelation today. its so easy to blame God for your problems. why would He let things like that happen-- and not just to me- to my family, my friends, to my co-worker who watched her brother shoot someone in the face and now is legally forced to testify against her brother at his murder trial, to my cousin who hasn't seen his wife or children for 2 years? i mean, its not like i dwell on all of this all the time, but sometimes its hard to not wonder why He lets it happen because it just sucks.
and for the first time i realized that when God has control and plans our future for us, He isn't looking down and saying "oh don't worry about it. i know the future, everything is fine, suck it up." He is crying with you because He hates when you are hurting. Jesus wept, even when He knew He was going to resurrect lazarus. He cares so much. its one of those things you think you know, but then you realize you don't really believe it.
i'm sure things will be fine in a week, in a month, in a year. tomorrow ha. but i thought maybe it would be comforting for one of you to just read and remember this because it changed everything for me today. Jesus is human and He knows and He cares and He cries for you.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
my beautiful letdown
i was just playing one of my songs to allie-- probably the most depressing song i've ever written, actually. but it's something both of us can relate to. right now life isn't perfect, but i'm definitely out of my rut, and for the first time i can kind of put my experiences in perspective and see what God has taught me through it.
the last two years were two of the hardest years of my life-- when all my worst fears were brought to life and it was so painful and lonely and confusing. i can't even begin to describe just how painful st olaf was for me-- moving away from home was hard and it didn't help that my dad was more than anxious for me to leave. i was far away from everything i knew and it was kind of scary-- and then my grandpa died. and i really think that's what messed everything up because i totally withdrew... and you just can't do that your freshman year of college. everything i had rooted myself in came totally crashing down-- i thought God was on my side and suddenly i had lost the one person in my family i knew was always there for me and it just didn't make sense.
i've never had much of a family, i was too far away to have close, healthy relationships with my old friends and wasn't really making new friends. everything about st olaf was screaming at me to give up my faith-- 95% of the students and faculty at st olaf are just so far from the truth and i had a hard time finding people that were staying strong in their faith. and a lot of the people i did find either ended up slipping into the lifestyle of the majority of the people at st olaf or decided they wanted nothing to do with me for some reason. my sophomore year i was faced with the possibility of cancer and the fragility of my own life. and then the people i had gone to church with from home were reprimanding me for any doubts i had about my faith and where i was. i honestly don't think things could have been more unbearable.
and i felt so guilty that i was so miserable. i mean, christians are supposed to be joyful, right? i was so un-joyful that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me and it didn't feel like God even wanted to have anything to do with me after a while because He felt so distant. and somehow, i got through and i'm back to the beginning. somehow i never let go. i have no idea where that strength came from, because pretty much every aspect of my life was tearing me apart from every direction. i guess as distant from God as i felt, He was always there holding me up, because somehow i'm still standing. the best song to describe that part of my life, i think, is You Alone by david crowder. i remember singing that in selah, often literally alone because no one i knew would go with me and singing "i will worship You alone." i'm sure that's not exactly what the author of the song meant but that's what it meant to me-- and that's really the epitome of what st olaf taught me-- that my faith wasn't grounded in the people around me, but Him. He is the reason i'm where i am-- the only possible way i could be where i am today.
until now, i look at that part of my life with bitterness and try to distance myself from it, because that is me broken. i was more broken at st olaf than i ever thought i could be. but that's right where God wanted me, and although i felt like a mess of a person, that really was a beautiful season in my life because it brought me SO close to God and i know that i will never let go.
this is one of the songs i wrote at st olaf when i was probably the most miserable... a song i was embarrassed to sing to people at the time, but i think a song that was definitely brought to me from God, if even just for me and not for me to perform:
so much more
i'm finding now today, i'm standing here alone
seems i've lost my way
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.
what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away, day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way--
this broken path i'm travelling?
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive, helps me understand
i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, it's time to let go
and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You: i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries: i throw them to the wind.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
the last two years were two of the hardest years of my life-- when all my worst fears were brought to life and it was so painful and lonely and confusing. i can't even begin to describe just how painful st olaf was for me-- moving away from home was hard and it didn't help that my dad was more than anxious for me to leave. i was far away from everything i knew and it was kind of scary-- and then my grandpa died. and i really think that's what messed everything up because i totally withdrew... and you just can't do that your freshman year of college. everything i had rooted myself in came totally crashing down-- i thought God was on my side and suddenly i had lost the one person in my family i knew was always there for me and it just didn't make sense.
i've never had much of a family, i was too far away to have close, healthy relationships with my old friends and wasn't really making new friends. everything about st olaf was screaming at me to give up my faith-- 95% of the students and faculty at st olaf are just so far from the truth and i had a hard time finding people that were staying strong in their faith. and a lot of the people i did find either ended up slipping into the lifestyle of the majority of the people at st olaf or decided they wanted nothing to do with me for some reason. my sophomore year i was faced with the possibility of cancer and the fragility of my own life. and then the people i had gone to church with from home were reprimanding me for any doubts i had about my faith and where i was. i honestly don't think things could have been more unbearable.
and i felt so guilty that i was so miserable. i mean, christians are supposed to be joyful, right? i was so un-joyful that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me and it didn't feel like God even wanted to have anything to do with me after a while because He felt so distant. and somehow, i got through and i'm back to the beginning. somehow i never let go. i have no idea where that strength came from, because pretty much every aspect of my life was tearing me apart from every direction. i guess as distant from God as i felt, He was always there holding me up, because somehow i'm still standing. the best song to describe that part of my life, i think, is You Alone by david crowder. i remember singing that in selah, often literally alone because no one i knew would go with me and singing "i will worship You alone." i'm sure that's not exactly what the author of the song meant but that's what it meant to me-- and that's really the epitome of what st olaf taught me-- that my faith wasn't grounded in the people around me, but Him. He is the reason i'm where i am-- the only possible way i could be where i am today.
until now, i look at that part of my life with bitterness and try to distance myself from it, because that is me broken. i was more broken at st olaf than i ever thought i could be. but that's right where God wanted me, and although i felt like a mess of a person, that really was a beautiful season in my life because it brought me SO close to God and i know that i will never let go.
this is one of the songs i wrote at st olaf when i was probably the most miserable... a song i was embarrassed to sing to people at the time, but i think a song that was definitely brought to me from God, if even just for me and not for me to perform:
so much more
i'm finding now today, i'm standing here alone
seems i've lost my way
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.
what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away, day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way--
this broken path i'm travelling?
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive, helps me understand
i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, it's time to let go
and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You: i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries: i throw them to the wind.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
Friday, November 02, 2007
school
so i'm skipping class to try to maintain some of my sanity-- i really hate college. i guess that's kind of a generalization, because when i use the word college i could be talking about life in general right now, about school, about my dorm... and this time i mean that i hate school. and i guess i'm not a huge fan of college in general, although bethel is pretty great for the most part. k i'm going to elaborate instead of rambling...
in high school i was an A-/B+ student-- i got almost all A's and B's and i think one C. i'm not a straight-a student, and i'm not going to say i'm a genius, but it was mostly because school was never a top priority for me. but for some reason, in college school kind of pushes its way to the top of your list of priorities. and my problem right now is that i just can't do it. it just can't mean that much to me and it never will. i can give up some nights with my friends, i can give up the amount of income i make (to an extent) for school events, etc. i can give up some sleep, some meals, some time. but there's a line. when i'm pulling 4 all-nighters in a week, i really don't think that's okay. when i get migraines almost every night because i'm not sleeping and i'm having to skip at least one meal every day, that's not okay. when i'm not able to have dinner with my friend for his birthday without failing a test, that's not okay. and when i don't have time to fellowship and i'm too exhausted to go to church on sundays and fall asleep when i pray at night, that's REALLY not okay. and the funny thing is, i'm giving in and letting school have control over all these areas in my life, and i'm STILL turning assignments in late and failing tests. i mean, i'm doing well, but i'm not doing THAT well and with all the time i'm putting into it, you would think i would be. i really just don't have enough time for anything.
and now i'm going to lead a Bible study. and so many people have told me that its stupid because i have so much going on in my life and i already can't keep up with schoolwork. you know what-- f school work. that's not a very christian to say, but i feel like in college everyone begins to miss the point. its really no surprise that so many people start losing their faith in college, because even at Bethel where God is encouraged to be the focus of your life and there isn't as much of a drinking problem or anything like that, you really don't have time to focus on anything else. God wants you to be still and know that He is God-- and Bethel is probably the craziest my life has ever been and i don't have ANY time to do be still. and now is when i need Him more than ever-- now when everything in my life is changing and i don't live at home, i make my own decisions and He's the only person i have left to depend on.
when i'm breathing my last breath and i finally see Jesus face to face, what really matters most? school matters but it just doesn't matter that much and i'm tired of having to give it everything or fail. its frustrating and annoying. my hope is built on nothing less-- not society or education or money. i can give it a part of my life and strive to work to my potential and be all i was made to be, but i cannot do that without Him and if i have to choose, i choose Him.
in high school i was an A-/B+ student-- i got almost all A's and B's and i think one C. i'm not a straight-a student, and i'm not going to say i'm a genius, but it was mostly because school was never a top priority for me. but for some reason, in college school kind of pushes its way to the top of your list of priorities. and my problem right now is that i just can't do it. it just can't mean that much to me and it never will. i can give up some nights with my friends, i can give up the amount of income i make (to an extent) for school events, etc. i can give up some sleep, some meals, some time. but there's a line. when i'm pulling 4 all-nighters in a week, i really don't think that's okay. when i get migraines almost every night because i'm not sleeping and i'm having to skip at least one meal every day, that's not okay. when i'm not able to have dinner with my friend for his birthday without failing a test, that's not okay. and when i don't have time to fellowship and i'm too exhausted to go to church on sundays and fall asleep when i pray at night, that's REALLY not okay. and the funny thing is, i'm giving in and letting school have control over all these areas in my life, and i'm STILL turning assignments in late and failing tests. i mean, i'm doing well, but i'm not doing THAT well and with all the time i'm putting into it, you would think i would be. i really just don't have enough time for anything.
and now i'm going to lead a Bible study. and so many people have told me that its stupid because i have so much going on in my life and i already can't keep up with schoolwork. you know what-- f school work. that's not a very christian to say, but i feel like in college everyone begins to miss the point. its really no surprise that so many people start losing their faith in college, because even at Bethel where God is encouraged to be the focus of your life and there isn't as much of a drinking problem or anything like that, you really don't have time to focus on anything else. God wants you to be still and know that He is God-- and Bethel is probably the craziest my life has ever been and i don't have ANY time to do be still. and now is when i need Him more than ever-- now when everything in my life is changing and i don't live at home, i make my own decisions and He's the only person i have left to depend on.
when i'm breathing my last breath and i finally see Jesus face to face, what really matters most? school matters but it just doesn't matter that much and i'm tired of having to give it everything or fail. its frustrating and annoying. my hope is built on nothing less-- not society or education or money. i can give it a part of my life and strive to work to my potential and be all i was made to be, but i cannot do that without Him and if i have to choose, i choose Him.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
restless
"just let go and understand that God has a plan
and although it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands..."
what is wrong with me? i feel like i'm about to explode... and i couldn't even tell you why. not because i'm angry or excited or sad or anything like that, i'm just so... restless! like something in my life needs to happen, needs to change now!
i just have so many dreams right now. and they are good dreams. i feel like they are dreams given to me from God, not just selfish little things like i want to be rich or i want to be famous. i want to have a family, i want to be a part of a church, i want to minister to people in russia, i want to use my abilities to lead worship, i want to adopt children, i want to be there for the people in the world that need me most that are starving or dying. i want to really love, i want to really forgive, i want to truly be the person God wants me to be and just be someone that people can come to and experience God's love. i want to be on fire for God, i want to know Him so well that i glow like moses in the Bible when he met God. just passionate, ablaze. and its just all so far from true. obviously, it could be farther, i'm still a christian, i'm not a basket case, i probably do SOME things right. and where i am is probably just as much a part of God's plan as me adopting a little russian girl, if it isn't a bigger part of it. i just... am restless. this isn't what i want. this isn't what i want to be. i'm not unhappy, i don't have low self-esteem, i just am not satisfied. i just feel like there could be so much more and i have no idea how to get there, what exactly needs to change, what exactly i need to do.
i am on the right path, i'm assured of this. but nothing is happening. i am not growing, not in any way. i've been recovering for so long, just pulling myself back to the starting line and now i'm there and i'm ready to race and for some reason i'm just... standing here. its like i don't know how to move or where the path is, like it just ends right where i stand. and i know it isn't true! and i'm sure this isn't what God wants, but i don't even know what i'm doing wrong! and i just see so many people that are so much further ahead and i want to join them and i can't.
i need fellowship, i need an opportunity to serve, i need an opportunity to worship, i need an opportunity to learn. i need an opportunity to grow close to God again. i am just so hungry for God. i need to do something and i don't even know where to start!
tell me i'm not alone in this. let's figure out where we should go now, together, friends.
and although it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands..."
what is wrong with me? i feel like i'm about to explode... and i couldn't even tell you why. not because i'm angry or excited or sad or anything like that, i'm just so... restless! like something in my life needs to happen, needs to change now!
i just have so many dreams right now. and they are good dreams. i feel like they are dreams given to me from God, not just selfish little things like i want to be rich or i want to be famous. i want to have a family, i want to be a part of a church, i want to minister to people in russia, i want to use my abilities to lead worship, i want to adopt children, i want to be there for the people in the world that need me most that are starving or dying. i want to really love, i want to really forgive, i want to truly be the person God wants me to be and just be someone that people can come to and experience God's love. i want to be on fire for God, i want to know Him so well that i glow like moses in the Bible when he met God. just passionate, ablaze. and its just all so far from true. obviously, it could be farther, i'm still a christian, i'm not a basket case, i probably do SOME things right. and where i am is probably just as much a part of God's plan as me adopting a little russian girl, if it isn't a bigger part of it. i just... am restless. this isn't what i want. this isn't what i want to be. i'm not unhappy, i don't have low self-esteem, i just am not satisfied. i just feel like there could be so much more and i have no idea how to get there, what exactly needs to change, what exactly i need to do.
i am on the right path, i'm assured of this. but nothing is happening. i am not growing, not in any way. i've been recovering for so long, just pulling myself back to the starting line and now i'm there and i'm ready to race and for some reason i'm just... standing here. its like i don't know how to move or where the path is, like it just ends right where i stand. and i know it isn't true! and i'm sure this isn't what God wants, but i don't even know what i'm doing wrong! and i just see so many people that are so much further ahead and i want to join them and i can't.
i need fellowship, i need an opportunity to serve, i need an opportunity to worship, i need an opportunity to learn. i need an opportunity to grow close to God again. i am just so hungry for God. i need to do something and i don't even know where to start!
tell me i'm not alone in this. let's figure out where we should go now, together, friends.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
looking for love in all the wrong places...
okay, maybe this isn't the best way to start out my first blog of this new schoolyear. i'm only motivated to write in this when there's something weighing heavily on me-- not necessarily in a bad way, but its hard to just right about the bla. boring. but i'll give you a quick update first.
school this year = amazing. i'll expand on that. life this semester = amazing. i am SO blessed and i'm just totally aware of it, and that isn't typical for me, as downer-ish as that sounds. i mean, obviously there are some things that are just not good, but i am SO happy with everything so far. i love living at bethel, i'm really enjoying pretty much ALL of my classes, i'm excited about my major and i'm realistically making exciting plans for myself before i graduate (which is in less than 2 years from now-- yikes!) card night is probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me-- haha an exaggeration, but i LOVE being able to host people and have people over all the time. just something that i've never been able to do before, because my mom can be a little psycho. and i LOVE LOVE LOVE my roommates, especially allison. it seems like every time i pray for another close friend, God brings someone amazing to me, and this time God brought me allison. she's like my mom, my friend and my counselor... freakin weirdo, but a perfect roommate. and the rest of them are pretty great too. i'm getting to know a lot more people this semester and kind of starting to get over being shy and self conscious and just put myself out there and be who i am-- at bethel, at work, etc. and my relationship with God is steadily improving. minus being super busy, hating the music department and being sick all the time, life is about as good as it has ever been and mostly because of the people in it... and that probably includes most of my readers (which seems to be about 2.) but hey, you make me happy, i don't know why i can't just say it to your face ha.
now for the heavily weighing issue.
i am single. that's not really the problem, just part of it. i'm okay with being single, i don't really need someone to define me or anything. that used to be an issue-- actually it was a huge issue for a really long time, but now its not that anymore. its just hard to be getting older and to see so many of my friends getting married and just not feel like all my dreams are quickly running through my fingers like a handful of sand. you know the dreams you dream when you are a little girl about going to prom, getting your license, graduating high school, getting married, going to college. its not that i had my whole life planned out in stone, but high on that list of dreams was getting married and i wanted to be young, i wanted to be just out of college and i wanted to be with someone just amazing. and with less than two years left of college, its not going to happen. until this year, there was hope and now there really isn't.
and the problem is that i don't think its totally impossible, i just don't think the right thing is totally possible right now. i mean, i could meet some random person now and be like every other person at bethel and just get married right away. but would that be good for me? probably not. i probably don't even know the person i'm going to marry yet and getting married quickly is such a bad idea. i could marry someone i already know, but that would either have to be a) one of my close friends, b) someone from work or c) someone from st olaf. and, well, i've pretty much decided my friends are pretty much off limits right now because i just love them too much and not in that way. and you might not understand that if you don't know me very well, but if you knew my past at all you definitely will. and then everyone else i know is just totally not right for me. its not like i haven't had anyone like me within the last 3 years-- not true at all-- and i can't even say i haven't had the opportunity to date someone i'm physically attracted to or had chemistry with. and that's the hardest part. i've had boys dangling in front of my face time and time again and what little conscience inside of me has made me run the other way 95% of the time-- 5% percent of the time i waited and ended up running anyway and crying... a lot.
its just not fair! why can't there be someone good AND attractive that i have chemistry with?? its like i've experienced a handful of people in every category but never a combination of the three. and i could believe that God is holding out someone for me, but i'm on the edge of having all my dreams ripped apart and beginning to reach the start of my greatest fear-- having to spend my life alone. i'm well on my way down that path, minus friends, but as much as i like to believe we will be friends forever, how can i bank on that? its not like we're going to make vows that we will be with each other through sickness and in health till death do us part. we have no idea where life will take us. and with very little family left (with hardly any to begin with, anyway), it just scares me.
allie (my lovely roommate) is telling me i'm looking in all the wrong places. i'm branching out where i shouldn't branch out (work, st olaf) and not branching out where i should (bethel.) but really. i just don't see how its possible. do you agree?
its just hard because i'm like running in circles and so tempted to just settle and make out with the guy that has nothing holding HIM back, or date the guy i will never have any future with. i'm sure God is just laughing as He's watching the whole master plan unfold, but its so hard to just trust that He knows best even though i know He knows everything.
k that was an extremely long rant, but i'm sure some of you can relate. life is scary, but i do have to admit i'm enjoying it. i just wish God would just TELL me already.
school this year = amazing. i'll expand on that. life this semester = amazing. i am SO blessed and i'm just totally aware of it, and that isn't typical for me, as downer-ish as that sounds. i mean, obviously there are some things that are just not good, but i am SO happy with everything so far. i love living at bethel, i'm really enjoying pretty much ALL of my classes, i'm excited about my major and i'm realistically making exciting plans for myself before i graduate (which is in less than 2 years from now-- yikes!) card night is probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me-- haha an exaggeration, but i LOVE being able to host people and have people over all the time. just something that i've never been able to do before, because my mom can be a little psycho. and i LOVE LOVE LOVE my roommates, especially allison. it seems like every time i pray for another close friend, God brings someone amazing to me, and this time God brought me allison. she's like my mom, my friend and my counselor... freakin weirdo, but a perfect roommate. and the rest of them are pretty great too. i'm getting to know a lot more people this semester and kind of starting to get over being shy and self conscious and just put myself out there and be who i am-- at bethel, at work, etc. and my relationship with God is steadily improving. minus being super busy, hating the music department and being sick all the time, life is about as good as it has ever been and mostly because of the people in it... and that probably includes most of my readers (which seems to be about 2.) but hey, you make me happy, i don't know why i can't just say it to your face ha.
now for the heavily weighing issue.
i am single. that's not really the problem, just part of it. i'm okay with being single, i don't really need someone to define me or anything. that used to be an issue-- actually it was a huge issue for a really long time, but now its not that anymore. its just hard to be getting older and to see so many of my friends getting married and just not feel like all my dreams are quickly running through my fingers like a handful of sand. you know the dreams you dream when you are a little girl about going to prom, getting your license, graduating high school, getting married, going to college. its not that i had my whole life planned out in stone, but high on that list of dreams was getting married and i wanted to be young, i wanted to be just out of college and i wanted to be with someone just amazing. and with less than two years left of college, its not going to happen. until this year, there was hope and now there really isn't.
and the problem is that i don't think its totally impossible, i just don't think the right thing is totally possible right now. i mean, i could meet some random person now and be like every other person at bethel and just get married right away. but would that be good for me? probably not. i probably don't even know the person i'm going to marry yet and getting married quickly is such a bad idea. i could marry someone i already know, but that would either have to be a) one of my close friends, b) someone from work or c) someone from st olaf. and, well, i've pretty much decided my friends are pretty much off limits right now because i just love them too much and not in that way. and you might not understand that if you don't know me very well, but if you knew my past at all you definitely will. and then everyone else i know is just totally not right for me. its not like i haven't had anyone like me within the last 3 years-- not true at all-- and i can't even say i haven't had the opportunity to date someone i'm physically attracted to or had chemistry with. and that's the hardest part. i've had boys dangling in front of my face time and time again and what little conscience inside of me has made me run the other way 95% of the time-- 5% percent of the time i waited and ended up running anyway and crying... a lot.
its just not fair! why can't there be someone good AND attractive that i have chemistry with?? its like i've experienced a handful of people in every category but never a combination of the three. and i could believe that God is holding out someone for me, but i'm on the edge of having all my dreams ripped apart and beginning to reach the start of my greatest fear-- having to spend my life alone. i'm well on my way down that path, minus friends, but as much as i like to believe we will be friends forever, how can i bank on that? its not like we're going to make vows that we will be with each other through sickness and in health till death do us part. we have no idea where life will take us. and with very little family left (with hardly any to begin with, anyway), it just scares me.
allie (my lovely roommate) is telling me i'm looking in all the wrong places. i'm branching out where i shouldn't branch out (work, st olaf) and not branching out where i should (bethel.) but really. i just don't see how its possible. do you agree?
its just hard because i'm like running in circles and so tempted to just settle and make out with the guy that has nothing holding HIM back, or date the guy i will never have any future with. i'm sure God is just laughing as He's watching the whole master plan unfold, but its so hard to just trust that He knows best even though i know He knows everything.
k that was an extremely long rant, but i'm sure some of you can relate. life is scary, but i do have to admit i'm enjoying it. i just wish God would just TELL me already.
Friday, August 17, 2007
summer.
oh i am SUCH a downer right now. haha. but i am just so weddinged out. there are only so many weddings i can go to while i'm single. don't get me wrong... i LOVE weddings. i LOVE the dances (well, after a couple hours and they aren't so awkward), the good food, clinking the glasses so they'll kiss, trying to catch the bouquet. its just so hard not to be jealous. this is something i've dreamed of my whole life and now my friends are already getting married and i don't even have a boyfriend. i mean, i'm still in college and i'm not doubting i'll meet someone. there's just that fear deep down inside that maybe nothing will ever work out. ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous i know, but i'm sure i'm not the only one that feels that way at weddings, at least sometimes. it doesn't help that i am home alone for the night and i hate being alone. oh man... downer entry, i'm not really sure why i decided to blog right now.
as far as everything else though, life is so GREAT. i am so happy with my first drama-free summer in a while (woo-hoo!) and it's been everything a summer should be: relaxation, freedom, road trips, swimming, tanning, hanging out with amazing people 90% of the time. minus only tubing once this summer, it has been picture perfect. south dakota was life-changing-- it really showed me a lot of who i am and where my passions are. i really love people, i really love serving people. i love different cultures. i love travelling. i LOVE working with high school girls. and... i really hate working with kids. they are cute, but i could never be a teacher or do anything close to what my mom does. i would love to counsel camp or something, and i'd really like to get more involved in service. i'm already planning to lead a bible study for sophomore girls this fall, which i now am really looking forward to. and it was just a really good experience... i'm so glad i went.
nebraska was also amazing. i love everyone in omaha so much, i can definitely see myself moving there eventually if i don't stay here. and amy is so much fun... as much as we bicker when we drive together and as scary as it is to put two ditzy people together in a car for 8 hours, i think we had a great time. i love my cousins-- oh i love my cousins. i don't even know what else to say about them, but they are just too funny. and laura... it's really great to get to know her better. i've never really had much of a chance to hang out with her without all the delano girls-- when a group of girls have known each other for a long time, its kind of intimidating and hard to get too close to any of them. but there was a lot of amy-kara-laura time and i can see why everyone thinks she's such a great girl.
umm... i also went to duluth with jake on the spur of the moment. it just felt so good and so freeing to be able to just go. i LOVE being spontaneous... i hope i spend the rest of my life with people like that. duluth is such a fun city too-- so pretty and there really is a lot to do.
as much as i love summer, i'm really looking forward to school starting-- which is SO great. i didn't think i'd ever be able to say that. i've always looked forward to the day i would be able to move out of the house-- and finally i've found a new place worth calling home and moving out to and i am so happy. i'm happy my friends are mostly close by-- the ones worth sticking with have definitely stuck and i just think its so great we are still friends. and i'm really looking forward to making new ones too. i couldn't ask for more, really. and i'm excited about my new major-- i'm anxious to see if i enjoy the business classes and i'm really really excited to go abroad this interim. so... basically life is just great. i'm excited to see where God will bring me next because i'm so content with where He's brought me already.
so there, i'm not a downer. sometimes its hard to trust that the future will be as bright as the present, but deeper than any fear i have of being alone forever, i really believe it will. :)
as far as everything else though, life is so GREAT. i am so happy with my first drama-free summer in a while (woo-hoo!) and it's been everything a summer should be: relaxation, freedom, road trips, swimming, tanning, hanging out with amazing people 90% of the time. minus only tubing once this summer, it has been picture perfect. south dakota was life-changing-- it really showed me a lot of who i am and where my passions are. i really love people, i really love serving people. i love different cultures. i love travelling. i LOVE working with high school girls. and... i really hate working with kids. they are cute, but i could never be a teacher or do anything close to what my mom does. i would love to counsel camp or something, and i'd really like to get more involved in service. i'm already planning to lead a bible study for sophomore girls this fall, which i now am really looking forward to. and it was just a really good experience... i'm so glad i went.
nebraska was also amazing. i love everyone in omaha so much, i can definitely see myself moving there eventually if i don't stay here. and amy is so much fun... as much as we bicker when we drive together and as scary as it is to put two ditzy people together in a car for 8 hours, i think we had a great time. i love my cousins-- oh i love my cousins. i don't even know what else to say about them, but they are just too funny. and laura... it's really great to get to know her better. i've never really had much of a chance to hang out with her without all the delano girls-- when a group of girls have known each other for a long time, its kind of intimidating and hard to get too close to any of them. but there was a lot of amy-kara-laura time and i can see why everyone thinks she's such a great girl.
umm... i also went to duluth with jake on the spur of the moment. it just felt so good and so freeing to be able to just go. i LOVE being spontaneous... i hope i spend the rest of my life with people like that. duluth is such a fun city too-- so pretty and there really is a lot to do.
as much as i love summer, i'm really looking forward to school starting-- which is SO great. i didn't think i'd ever be able to say that. i've always looked forward to the day i would be able to move out of the house-- and finally i've found a new place worth calling home and moving out to and i am so happy. i'm happy my friends are mostly close by-- the ones worth sticking with have definitely stuck and i just think its so great we are still friends. and i'm really looking forward to making new ones too. i couldn't ask for more, really. and i'm excited about my new major-- i'm anxious to see if i enjoy the business classes and i'm really really excited to go abroad this interim. so... basically life is just great. i'm excited to see where God will bring me next because i'm so content with where He's brought me already.
so there, i'm not a downer. sometimes its hard to trust that the future will be as bright as the present, but deeper than any fear i have of being alone forever, i really believe it will. :)
Friday, June 29, 2007
every little thing's gonna be all right
i was just reading through some of my old blogs, and it's funny to see what i was so concerned about then and just how things are now. most of the things i have been so upset about or worried about have been figured out... even some i can't even remember, apparently.
some of my complaints this last year:
i hated st olaf
my doctors thought i might have cancer
my computer died and i lost a lot of my music
my boss hated me and was basically making life at work hell
i was overscheduled
i was underscheduled
i was doing bad in school
i failed an important test
i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life
now:
i don't go to st olaf-- and i love my new school.
i don't have cancer.
i got a new computer, was able to charge it to my account, got a free ipod and i found a lot of the music i lost on random mixes i found in my room/car
my boss quit and i never have to work with him ever again and our new gm seems to like me a lot
i'm making just enough money right now
my teacher threw out the test i failed (i have no idea why), so i got a b in the class
and i ended up getting a's or b's in all my classes, which means my gpa is still good
i'm pretty sure i've figured out what i want to major in and i have some sort of direction now
i just think it's ridiculous-- it just proves that it's not worth worrying about anything or getting too down because everything really is under control. and i'm not saying that because i'm in the clear-- there are a lot of really crappy things i still have to deal with. but it's just funny to look back on how stressed i was last year and just see now how none of it really even mattered. especially that test-- i was so depressed and he THREW IT OUT! some teachers do that, but he never said he was going to, i think he just decided to at the last minute. it just makes all of my worrying and bitterness seem so stupid now.
i'm going to try to adapt my new work philosophy to the rest of my life: when i focus on the really nice people and all the good tips i get, then the mean people and people that tip nothing just don't even bother me. and it just makes my job so much more fun, i'm happier a lot of the time now AND i encounter less crabby people and get really good tips. focusing on the good situations makes your problems seem so meaningless and makes your life just get better and better. and fretting is so pointless and draining anyway because it does nothing (obviously) and is just a waste of time and energy and life. no problem could ever be worth wasting your life over if you can help it. so don't (if you can help it.)
some of my complaints this last year:
i hated st olaf
my doctors thought i might have cancer
my computer died and i lost a lot of my music
my boss hated me and was basically making life at work hell
i was overscheduled
i was underscheduled
i was doing bad in school
i failed an important test
i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life
now:
i don't go to st olaf-- and i love my new school.
i don't have cancer.
i got a new computer, was able to charge it to my account, got a free ipod and i found a lot of the music i lost on random mixes i found in my room/car
my boss quit and i never have to work with him ever again and our new gm seems to like me a lot
i'm making just enough money right now
my teacher threw out the test i failed (i have no idea why), so i got a b in the class
and i ended up getting a's or b's in all my classes, which means my gpa is still good
i'm pretty sure i've figured out what i want to major in and i have some sort of direction now
i just think it's ridiculous-- it just proves that it's not worth worrying about anything or getting too down because everything really is under control. and i'm not saying that because i'm in the clear-- there are a lot of really crappy things i still have to deal with. but it's just funny to look back on how stressed i was last year and just see now how none of it really even mattered. especially that test-- i was so depressed and he THREW IT OUT! some teachers do that, but he never said he was going to, i think he just decided to at the last minute. it just makes all of my worrying and bitterness seem so stupid now.
i'm going to try to adapt my new work philosophy to the rest of my life: when i focus on the really nice people and all the good tips i get, then the mean people and people that tip nothing just don't even bother me. and it just makes my job so much more fun, i'm happier a lot of the time now AND i encounter less crabby people and get really good tips. focusing on the good situations makes your problems seem so meaningless and makes your life just get better and better. and fretting is so pointless and draining anyway because it does nothing (obviously) and is just a waste of time and energy and life. no problem could ever be worth wasting your life over if you can help it. so don't (if you can help it.)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
defined.
that's one thing that's really hit me lately. people, usually subconsciously, hold expectations for you-- i don't necessarily mean that they expect you to be a good person or live a certain way, though that may be true-- but they decide who they think you are and they expect you to be that person. if you usually don't do well in school, they expect you to not do well in school. if you usually sleep around, they expect you to... sleep around. if you are really funny and outgoing, they expect you to usually be funny and outgoing. it's not like it's illogical, it makes sense. if something happens a certain amount of times, you would naturally expect it to happen again.
but it can really box people in-- especially if someone is trying to change. some people can get really threatened when things change, when the people they knew before are suddenly not the people that they are used to. i find myself a lot of times living up to other people's expectations for me. if enough people tell me i am something, i usually start to live up to that role, which can be a really good thing or a really bad thing. i think it can be a good thing when people hold you up to a certain level-- as the good girl, as a role model, as an achiever, because it encourages you to live up to the person they perceive you to be. but when people think that you're not smart, or you're not hard-working, or you're not a good person, it can be really hard to break free from being that person. obviously there are some limits, like a homely person will probably never be a model, i don't think i will ever be a professional dancer, some people are physically incapable of running or playing sports or mentally incapable of doing well in school. but most people are capable of a lot of things and somehow, psychologically, the way people perceive them can really affect what kind of person they become and what kind of things they are capable of doing.
for example, in psych, i learned about an experiment done in a classroom. i don't remember everything exactly, but someone came in to a classroom and all the students an "iq test." the results were only given to the teacher and they were false-- a lot of students that actually had iq's were said to have low iq's and a lot of people that actually had low iq's were said to have high iq's. the researchers monitored the classroom and at the end of the year, the people that the teacher thought had high iq's had the highest grades and the students the teacher thought had the lowest iq's had the lowest grades. it didn't matter who they really were or what they were really capable of, it mattered what the students THOUGHT they really were and were really capable of. what you say about people is really really important-- it can really affect everything. i think sometimes it can even be just one thing that someone says to a person that changes the way they live and who they become, whether encouraging or discouraging.
this problem has really been made clear to me lately, in my own life and in the lives of people that are close to me. i think the hardest thing for jake right now is not just getting over any chemical dependencies, but it's almost impossible for him to change his life because of what people expect from him. every time he tries to quit or he tries to go to church, people make it clear that they don't really believe he will stick with it. and obviously, every time he has tried before he hasn't... so it's not unnatural for people to think that. but when everyone in your life doesn't believe you are capable of overcoming something, it's really really hard to overcome it. it doesn't matter if they want you to overcome it, they're expectations become a sort of barrier and not only do they have to overcome the problems, but they have to overcome their reputation-- two huge things. and most of the time these two huge barriers together are just too much.
lately, he's been doing better. i don't know if he's still doing drugs or anything, but i know at least he is becoming ambitious and he's doing well in school and planning to go to college and do something he would love to do. his last semester in school, he got all a's and one b... which never happens. and in one of his classes he got the highest score of everyone in every section. and i'm sure my parents congratulated him, but they were skeptical and said "really? did you cheat? did you study?" i don't know... that just makes me so angry! and it's not unnatural for them to be skeptical, but why can't you just be glad that he's trying and believe that he is capable of becoming a better person and living a decent life? i really believe he is, and it's really frustrating to me when people make it clear that they don't think he can. just saying that one thing could make all the difference in his life. you just have to be so careful what you think and what you say.
and then in my own life, i'm realizing that sometimes people just don't know what they're talking about. my boss kind of took it to the extreme and told me i sucked at everything. and obviously this isn't true, so i'm learning to try to work to my potential even when i'm told that i'm not capable of it. and then when i cleaned my room this week after unpacking, my mom and some of my friends both said something that implied that this was so unlike me. which really bothered me, because ever since i've left for college, i've been working hard at keeping my room clean. and it's a challenge-- my family doesn't really prioritize keeping things clean, so i have to teach myself to remember to pick up my things, to notice that the floor is gross or something like that, to do my laundry right when i need to. and yeah, sometimes i still don't, but people shouldn't limit me... because that is something i've been able to change, you just haven't really seen it yet because i've been gone.
i think God makes it clear He recognizes this problem by telling us to encourage each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. it's really really important. i think there a lot of things most people are capable of and i think there are some things that everyone is capable of. i think everyone is capable of being a good person-- even murderers, thieves and drug dealers-- and everyone deep down is capable of really genuinely loving. that was what was so amazing about captivating and wild at heart-- they told you who you really are-- that the person you really are is beautiful. and i really believe that. and i think everyone needs to realize that everything they say is important and also know that it doesn't really matter what people say or think about you. you are what you are, but you are capable of a lot more than you think.
but it can really box people in-- especially if someone is trying to change. some people can get really threatened when things change, when the people they knew before are suddenly not the people that they are used to. i find myself a lot of times living up to other people's expectations for me. if enough people tell me i am something, i usually start to live up to that role, which can be a really good thing or a really bad thing. i think it can be a good thing when people hold you up to a certain level-- as the good girl, as a role model, as an achiever, because it encourages you to live up to the person they perceive you to be. but when people think that you're not smart, or you're not hard-working, or you're not a good person, it can be really hard to break free from being that person. obviously there are some limits, like a homely person will probably never be a model, i don't think i will ever be a professional dancer, some people are physically incapable of running or playing sports or mentally incapable of doing well in school. but most people are capable of a lot of things and somehow, psychologically, the way people perceive them can really affect what kind of person they become and what kind of things they are capable of doing.
for example, in psych, i learned about an experiment done in a classroom. i don't remember everything exactly, but someone came in to a classroom and all the students an "iq test." the results were only given to the teacher and they were false-- a lot of students that actually had iq's were said to have low iq's and a lot of people that actually had low iq's were said to have high iq's. the researchers monitored the classroom and at the end of the year, the people that the teacher thought had high iq's had the highest grades and the students the teacher thought had the lowest iq's had the lowest grades. it didn't matter who they really were or what they were really capable of, it mattered what the students THOUGHT they really were and were really capable of. what you say about people is really really important-- it can really affect everything. i think sometimes it can even be just one thing that someone says to a person that changes the way they live and who they become, whether encouraging or discouraging.
this problem has really been made clear to me lately, in my own life and in the lives of people that are close to me. i think the hardest thing for jake right now is not just getting over any chemical dependencies, but it's almost impossible for him to change his life because of what people expect from him. every time he tries to quit or he tries to go to church, people make it clear that they don't really believe he will stick with it. and obviously, every time he has tried before he hasn't... so it's not unnatural for people to think that. but when everyone in your life doesn't believe you are capable of overcoming something, it's really really hard to overcome it. it doesn't matter if they want you to overcome it, they're expectations become a sort of barrier and not only do they have to overcome the problems, but they have to overcome their reputation-- two huge things. and most of the time these two huge barriers together are just too much.
lately, he's been doing better. i don't know if he's still doing drugs or anything, but i know at least he is becoming ambitious and he's doing well in school and planning to go to college and do something he would love to do. his last semester in school, he got all a's and one b... which never happens. and in one of his classes he got the highest score of everyone in every section. and i'm sure my parents congratulated him, but they were skeptical and said "really? did you cheat? did you study?" i don't know... that just makes me so angry! and it's not unnatural for them to be skeptical, but why can't you just be glad that he's trying and believe that he is capable of becoming a better person and living a decent life? i really believe he is, and it's really frustrating to me when people make it clear that they don't think he can. just saying that one thing could make all the difference in his life. you just have to be so careful what you think and what you say.
and then in my own life, i'm realizing that sometimes people just don't know what they're talking about. my boss kind of took it to the extreme and told me i sucked at everything. and obviously this isn't true, so i'm learning to try to work to my potential even when i'm told that i'm not capable of it. and then when i cleaned my room this week after unpacking, my mom and some of my friends both said something that implied that this was so unlike me. which really bothered me, because ever since i've left for college, i've been working hard at keeping my room clean. and it's a challenge-- my family doesn't really prioritize keeping things clean, so i have to teach myself to remember to pick up my things, to notice that the floor is gross or something like that, to do my laundry right when i need to. and yeah, sometimes i still don't, but people shouldn't limit me... because that is something i've been able to change, you just haven't really seen it yet because i've been gone.
i think God makes it clear He recognizes this problem by telling us to encourage each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. it's really really important. i think there a lot of things most people are capable of and i think there are some things that everyone is capable of. i think everyone is capable of being a good person-- even murderers, thieves and drug dealers-- and everyone deep down is capable of really genuinely loving. that was what was so amazing about captivating and wild at heart-- they told you who you really are-- that the person you really are is beautiful. and i really believe that. and i think everyone needs to realize that everything they say is important and also know that it doesn't really matter what people say or think about you. you are what you are, but you are capable of a lot more than you think.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
wedding.
i'm so incredibly awake now after drinking coffee at jake's, so i thought i'd take a minute to just say how incredibly happy i am. i am so free from so much bondage i've carried-- anything involving john or boys or anything like that. just that i can be so happy for them without worrying about what's going to happen to me... i know that sounds ridiculous but it's a huge step for me. to be confident that God has his own plan for me and to be so happy with the plan He has for them. today was just so beautiful and so fun and so happy. (don't take that the wrong way... i just feel that way at weddings in general.) i wasn't a part of the picture today and it was a great stride.
i love my friends, i love my life, i love where i am, i love who i'm becoming and i love everyone who is helping me become that person-- God especially. i'm just so happy with life and with all of you and i thought i should say it. thanks for dancing with me even when its so embarrassing to be associated with me and my terrible dance moves. haha.
love.
i love my friends, i love my life, i love where i am, i love who i'm becoming and i love everyone who is helping me become that person-- God especially. i'm just so happy with life and with all of you and i thought i should say it. thanks for dancing with me even when its so embarrassing to be associated with me and my terrible dance moves. haha.
love.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
secure
can you see the clouds have parted
and all you've hoped for is ready to begin?
can you smell the sweet aroma of fresh rain
and feel the sun shine on your skin?
this joy you'll never find anywhere else, but in His arms you are secure.
did you know there's always Someone
watching out for you each day?
did you know He's always listening
when you open up your heart and pray?
this love you'll never find anywhere else but in His arms, you are secure.
there's no greater love than this.
stop pretending He's not with you: He always is.
and please stop searching for what you really crave in other places: it's here.
this love i'll never find anywhere else but in Your arms i am secure.
and all you've hoped for is ready to begin?
can you smell the sweet aroma of fresh rain
and feel the sun shine on your skin?
this joy you'll never find anywhere else, but in His arms you are secure.
did you know there's always Someone
watching out for you each day?
did you know He's always listening
when you open up your heart and pray?
this love you'll never find anywhere else but in His arms, you are secure.
there's no greater love than this.
stop pretending He's not with you: He always is.
and please stop searching for what you really crave in other places: it's here.
this love i'll never find anywhere else but in Your arms i am secure.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
creepy.
i had a really creepy experience on sunday... my cousin and i hung out on sunday (not the creepy experience.) it was getting a little ridiculous-- she lives on the other side of campus, when we've always lived at least an hour away from each other, and we still never see each other. so we went shopping, went to panera and she said she wanted to go to a worship service in blaine for a few hours because her friend was dancing. i thought it would be like a vespers sort of thing, i love singing and i had nothing better to do, so i said i'd go. on the way there she was like, "oh yeah, just to warn you, people might be worshiping in ways that might make you uncomfortable." and i said i'd be fine-- i'm used to people like raising their hands, maybe dancing or lying down or something, i thought i could handle whatever.
well, it wasn't really a worship service, it was a HEALING service. and people were dancing and lying down at first, but then they started laughing uncontrollably in the corner so loud we couldn't even hear the speaker. and my cousin said it was the joy of the Lord or something and i thought it was a little weird. but then the speaker started touching people and they would fall over and pass out. and he was seriously doing this to everyone and it was really bizarre. and then he started casting out demons. oh it was SO creepy. the guy was like screaming and writhing and started bawling and throwing up. it was... an experience. i'm scarred, really.
i still don't know what i think of all of it. most of it is biblical-- stuff like that happened a lot in the New Testament and i think it was necessary at the time so people could really see that everything Jesus had told them was very real. i believe it could happen and i believe at least the demon banishing was real. but i don't think its wrong that i was uncomfortable and i'm never going to go to something like that again if i can help it. i think some people need that kind of experience and finding healing in a miraculous way is the best way for them to be healed. and i don't think that's wrong either. i just don't NEED to see things like that to know that what i have is real. and i'm okay with this and i think God is too.
well, it wasn't really a worship service, it was a HEALING service. and people were dancing and lying down at first, but then they started laughing uncontrollably in the corner so loud we couldn't even hear the speaker. and my cousin said it was the joy of the Lord or something and i thought it was a little weird. but then the speaker started touching people and they would fall over and pass out. and he was seriously doing this to everyone and it was really bizarre. and then he started casting out demons. oh it was SO creepy. the guy was like screaming and writhing and started bawling and throwing up. it was... an experience. i'm scarred, really.
i still don't know what i think of all of it. most of it is biblical-- stuff like that happened a lot in the New Testament and i think it was necessary at the time so people could really see that everything Jesus had told them was very real. i believe it could happen and i believe at least the demon banishing was real. but i don't think its wrong that i was uncomfortable and i'm never going to go to something like that again if i can help it. i think some people need that kind of experience and finding healing in a miraculous way is the best way for them to be healed. and i don't think that's wrong either. i just don't NEED to see things like that to know that what i have is real. and i'm okay with this and i think God is too.
Monday, April 23, 2007
quick update (not as quick as i was hoping)
i'm in the computer lab right now because my computer is fried... i have the option of paying $300 to fix it or to buy a new one and after all the hell this computer has caused me already, i am definitely just going to save up for a new one this summer. i'm a little sad... mostly because i never backed up my music and i only buy music on itunes and because all my assignments for my theory class are gone and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do now. oh well, i guess.
as far as my future, i was kind of forced to make a lot of decisions the last few weeks. and i'm definitely not going to take a semester off... at least this next semester. i'm planning to get another job this summer so i can pay off my debt and buy a new computer. and next semester i'm going to take one class from every major i was considering to see if it will help me decide exactly what direction i'd like to go career-wise. SO... i'm going to be taking music history (just to get it out of the way, because i HATE music history more than anything), newswriting (for journalism), aesthetics (a philosophy class for my sacred music major), social psych (in case i want to be a music therapist), intro to education (with field experience!), and then some health/physical education class i'm required to take as a general course. i'm also going to be in a piano duo, taking piano lessons and being in choir and working part time at applebees so next semester is going to be SO crazy. i don't even have time to eat lunch on tuesdays! but it should be benefitial.
i also sat down and tried to figure out where i see myself in a few years. i've always had a general idea, but this is the life plan i made myself:
get married (not really a concrete plan, i'd just like to be married after college.) i'd like a steady 8-2 job during the week, probably journalism at this point. i think i'd like to go to an urban church and maybe be their worship leader and just work with disadvantaged people in the area. maybe i'll go to open door on saturday nights if i still like it there. and when i have kids, i'll take a couple years off so i can be home with them until their in pre-school. during this time i'll lead worship at a church, write music and maybe a book, and raise puppies haha. and then... travel. i don't know. it was fun to try to think it through, anyway. the funny thing is some people can really plan out their lives like that and live it. but i know my life will be NOTHING like my plan, because my life has always been extremely unpredictable... partially because i'm extremely spontaneous and i get really bored living a routine life in one place. and because i'm only 20 and i've experienced a lot of things i would never have DREAMED would happen to me... even a year or so before they happened. so... who knows where i'll be in a few years. i'm just hoping i'll at least be able to get married, have a house, kids and puppies. i think i'd be content with whatever else God decides to throw at me.
as far as my future, i was kind of forced to make a lot of decisions the last few weeks. and i'm definitely not going to take a semester off... at least this next semester. i'm planning to get another job this summer so i can pay off my debt and buy a new computer. and next semester i'm going to take one class from every major i was considering to see if it will help me decide exactly what direction i'd like to go career-wise. SO... i'm going to be taking music history (just to get it out of the way, because i HATE music history more than anything), newswriting (for journalism), aesthetics (a philosophy class for my sacred music major), social psych (in case i want to be a music therapist), intro to education (with field experience!), and then some health/physical education class i'm required to take as a general course. i'm also going to be in a piano duo, taking piano lessons and being in choir and working part time at applebees so next semester is going to be SO crazy. i don't even have time to eat lunch on tuesdays! but it should be benefitial.
i also sat down and tried to figure out where i see myself in a few years. i've always had a general idea, but this is the life plan i made myself:
get married (not really a concrete plan, i'd just like to be married after college.) i'd like a steady 8-2 job during the week, probably journalism at this point. i think i'd like to go to an urban church and maybe be their worship leader and just work with disadvantaged people in the area. maybe i'll go to open door on saturday nights if i still like it there. and when i have kids, i'll take a couple years off so i can be home with them until their in pre-school. during this time i'll lead worship at a church, write music and maybe a book, and raise puppies haha. and then... travel. i don't know. it was fun to try to think it through, anyway. the funny thing is some people can really plan out their lives like that and live it. but i know my life will be NOTHING like my plan, because my life has always been extremely unpredictable... partially because i'm extremely spontaneous and i get really bored living a routine life in one place. and because i'm only 20 and i've experienced a lot of things i would never have DREAMED would happen to me... even a year or so before they happened. so... who knows where i'll be in a few years. i'm just hoping i'll at least be able to get married, have a house, kids and puppies. i think i'd be content with whatever else God decides to throw at me.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
rambling.
i don't have too much to write about, but i just can't handle that blog being my last blog. just too deep. and it makes me nervous. i know i'm still not completely following through yet, but i really am trying.
so lent is over and i can finally sleep... and thank God because i stayed up all last night studying for a test that i failed today. i seriously have pessimism seeping out of me because of that, but i'll be over it after my nap, i think. :) in all, life is okay, but it is unwinding way too fast and i think i need to take a break and just go somewhere. there's only so much of a direction-less monotony i can take. and although i'm at least not SUFFERING at school, i kind of don't want to be here because i feel like i'm just wasting money when i still have no clue what i'm going to do with my education and i'm too busy to have time to even THINK.
i'm on the right path again... i can just tell. i'm finally able to start reading my Bible again which is an AMAZING start. i read hebrews the night before easter and it made me cry. its just amazing that God is as merciful as He is when we're as undeserving as we are. i really want to start a girls Bible study... i think it's something totally really necessary right now for my life and my friends' lives and i'm going to make it happen.
so that was a rambling waste of a blog. but i just needed to write another one.
so lent is over and i can finally sleep... and thank God because i stayed up all last night studying for a test that i failed today. i seriously have pessimism seeping out of me because of that, but i'll be over it after my nap, i think. :) in all, life is okay, but it is unwinding way too fast and i think i need to take a break and just go somewhere. there's only so much of a direction-less monotony i can take. and although i'm at least not SUFFERING at school, i kind of don't want to be here because i feel like i'm just wasting money when i still have no clue what i'm going to do with my education and i'm too busy to have time to even THINK.
i'm on the right path again... i can just tell. i'm finally able to start reading my Bible again which is an AMAZING start. i read hebrews the night before easter and it made me cry. its just amazing that God is as merciful as He is when we're as undeserving as we are. i really want to start a girls Bible study... i think it's something totally really necessary right now for my life and my friends' lives and i'm going to make it happen.
so that was a rambling waste of a blog. but i just needed to write another one.
Friday, March 30, 2007
dehumanizing
i know that this blog is going to make it look like i'm crabby-- well, probably because i am right now. but honestly, ignore it because its a bad reflection of my overall MOOD lately. i am, in general, about as happy as i have ever been in the last few years. i like where i am. i like who i am. i like who i'm becoming. i like what's becoming of my life. there are a LOT of things i am not happy with, but its not really affecting my overall... MOOD. i can't think of the better word. maybe i shouldn't major in journalism. :/
anyway, i've decided to write about something i am not okay with... just because this is something that God has laid on my heart lately and i think its important.
i've been battling for the longest time with viewing myself as valuable. and if you know anything about my life, i think you could understand where this battle stems from-- an insecure, mentally abusive dad, mean neighbor kids, crappy high school bf's that were only interested in getting some, etc. i don't think my life is necessarily any more rough than another person's life, its just natural that THIS would be what i would struggle with the most out of all the things a person has to struggle with.
i just read a book recently called Sex God-- i think the title is funny, its really supposed to be Sex and God. its by rob bell-- a controversial author, i guess, but God has spoken to me through both of His books. and He's really starting to change me for the better after reading this book, so i don't really care what any other intellectual critics have to say about it.
wow, i'm really babbling. anyway, the whole book was amazing, really, but the second chapter is what hit me the hardest. it talked about dehumanizing. we are all made in God's image and that's what He means by human. someone with something special inside of them. and EVERYONE in the ENTIRE world is. everyone is human, everyone is made in God's image, everyone is capable of love, being hurt, being vulnerable, being meaningful. EVERYONE. the root of SO many of the problems in the world today is dehumanizing.
most people have made a habit of forgetting another person is human. we can view our friends and our family as human, but we choose to forget that the homeless person on the corner is just like us-- with a conscience, feelings, and the immeasurable love of our father. racists forget that african american slaves are human and care about how they look, dream at night, have bad days. a lot of sexual addicts forget choose to dehumanize their sexual partner so they don't feel guilt-- equalling them to an object. a lot of girls will dehumanize another girl so they can feel better about themselves. a lot of people dehumanize starving children in africa or the suicidal woman at work because they don't want to have to care. its easy to dehumanize movie stars, political figures. its easy to dehumanize a random person walking by us in the mall or the teenager at the burger king drive through window. its REALLY easy to dehumanize guys, basing their value on their physical appearance.
we intentionally or unintentionally choose to forget that another human is just like us so that we can use them, hate them, focus on ourselves. and it is always wrong-- even if its not for the wrong reasons.
this book made me realize that i do this ALL THE TIME to SO many people. i forget the people i'm serving at work are "human." i forget the girl wearing the ugliest outfit imaginable is "human." i forget that creepy, obsessive guys are "human." and i've had so many people dehumanize me that sometimes i forget that I'M human. i tear myself apart so much-- obsessing over how i look, what people think of me, where i fit into society-- and sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i've let myself forget who i really am-- valuable and loved immeasurably by God.
since this realization, i have honestly begun to look at things differently. i'm not defined by my personality, because i can really act however i want. i'm not defined by how i look because my appearance is constantly changing. i'm not defined by what people think of me because some people like me and some people don't. i am-- human. i'm loved. and i'm starting to understand that that's who i am.
i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of this game. i'm tired of dehumanizing and being dehumanized. i'm tired of people not valuing me and i'm tired of not valuing other people. it's not something that is going to be easy to change, but i have to.
anyway, i've decided to write about something i am not okay with... just because this is something that God has laid on my heart lately and i think its important.
i've been battling for the longest time with viewing myself as valuable. and if you know anything about my life, i think you could understand where this battle stems from-- an insecure, mentally abusive dad, mean neighbor kids, crappy high school bf's that were only interested in getting some, etc. i don't think my life is necessarily any more rough than another person's life, its just natural that THIS would be what i would struggle with the most out of all the things a person has to struggle with.
i just read a book recently called Sex God-- i think the title is funny, its really supposed to be Sex and God. its by rob bell-- a controversial author, i guess, but God has spoken to me through both of His books. and He's really starting to change me for the better after reading this book, so i don't really care what any other intellectual critics have to say about it.
wow, i'm really babbling. anyway, the whole book was amazing, really, but the second chapter is what hit me the hardest. it talked about dehumanizing. we are all made in God's image and that's what He means by human. someone with something special inside of them. and EVERYONE in the ENTIRE world is. everyone is human, everyone is made in God's image, everyone is capable of love, being hurt, being vulnerable, being meaningful. EVERYONE. the root of SO many of the problems in the world today is dehumanizing.
most people have made a habit of forgetting another person is human. we can view our friends and our family as human, but we choose to forget that the homeless person on the corner is just like us-- with a conscience, feelings, and the immeasurable love of our father. racists forget that african american slaves are human and care about how they look, dream at night, have bad days. a lot of sexual addicts forget choose to dehumanize their sexual partner so they don't feel guilt-- equalling them to an object. a lot of girls will dehumanize another girl so they can feel better about themselves. a lot of people dehumanize starving children in africa or the suicidal woman at work because they don't want to have to care. its easy to dehumanize movie stars, political figures. its easy to dehumanize a random person walking by us in the mall or the teenager at the burger king drive through window. its REALLY easy to dehumanize guys, basing their value on their physical appearance.
we intentionally or unintentionally choose to forget that another human is just like us so that we can use them, hate them, focus on ourselves. and it is always wrong-- even if its not for the wrong reasons.
this book made me realize that i do this ALL THE TIME to SO many people. i forget the people i'm serving at work are "human." i forget the girl wearing the ugliest outfit imaginable is "human." i forget that creepy, obsessive guys are "human." and i've had so many people dehumanize me that sometimes i forget that I'M human. i tear myself apart so much-- obsessing over how i look, what people think of me, where i fit into society-- and sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i've let myself forget who i really am-- valuable and loved immeasurably by God.
since this realization, i have honestly begun to look at things differently. i'm not defined by my personality, because i can really act however i want. i'm not defined by how i look because my appearance is constantly changing. i'm not defined by what people think of me because some people like me and some people don't. i am-- human. i'm loved. and i'm starting to understand that that's who i am.
i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of this game. i'm tired of dehumanizing and being dehumanized. i'm tired of people not valuing me and i'm tired of not valuing other people. it's not something that is going to be easy to change, but i have to.
Monday, March 19, 2007
song lyrics
the only way (i have no idea if that's going to actually be the title... i haven't thought about having a title until now.)
i'm searching for a path that satisfies
but each new one i choose ends up worse than before.
i am trying to escape as reality chases me
in all directions-- but calling me its way.
there's something inside me that can't buy the lies.
something inside won't let me hide anymore.
i am ready to go,
i'm ready to take the next step.
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again
that You're the only way for me.
and i can't fight the light
that's seeping through my fingers
as i cover my face-- i just can't hide.
and now i can see
i'm starting to understand
that a life without You is a meaningless life.
i'll search every corner and sift through the pain
and give You everything i find so I can be made whole again.
i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again:
You're the only way for me.
i'm fighting for my freedom
i'm fighting through the pain
i'm fighting for the chance to live a life with You again.
i'm fighting for what's right
and i'm fighting for the truth
i'm fighting for my life
and i'm fighting for You.
i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me and over and over and over and over and over and over again:
You're the only way for me.
i'm searching for a path that satisfies
but each new one i choose ends up worse than before.
i am trying to escape as reality chases me
in all directions-- but calling me its way.
there's something inside me that can't buy the lies.
something inside won't let me hide anymore.
i am ready to go,
i'm ready to take the next step.
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again
that You're the only way for me.
and i can't fight the light
that's seeping through my fingers
as i cover my face-- i just can't hide.
and now i can see
i'm starting to understand
that a life without You is a meaningless life.
i'll search every corner and sift through the pain
and give You everything i find so I can be made whole again.
i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again:
You're the only way for me.
i'm fighting for my freedom
i'm fighting through the pain
i'm fighting for the chance to live a life with You again.
i'm fighting for what's right
and i'm fighting for the truth
i'm fighting for my life
and i'm fighting for You.
i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me and over and over and over and over and over and over again:
You're the only way for me.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
lent.
i don't know what to say, other than that life is confusing. i can sense myself giving up on some people, which is really bad... even when i see some change, i have a hard time believing that its really possible for people to just be the kind of people they should be. which is funny, because i have changed so much in the last few years. why can't i believe its possible for my family members to eventually change for the better, too?
on a lighter note, i gave up naps for lent-- which was a good idea, i think. unfortunately, in place of my 3-hour-daily-nap-dependency, i have become addicted to caffeine and television. i think both addictions would have eventually developed, anyway, because i get free pop at work (and i work about 4 days a week) and i have cable tv for the first time in my life-- and i started watching lost and grey's anatomy! its hard to stop, really, no matter who you are once you start watching grey's. but my lack of sleep has definitely heightened these obsessions because they are replacing the time i would have normally spent sleeping and the energy that would have normally come from a 3 hour nap. i think i'm missing the point of lent, though... to replace the sleep with God, somehow. i have started to go to chapel more, which is something. i've really distanced myself from God, though, and its going to be hard to go back to where i was before st olaf. this is a start.
work is okay, school is okay, life is okay. i can't really say anything too exciting or terrible about anything right now. i'm just direction-less... which is okay. :) i'm glad God brought me here and it will be interesting to see where i'll be going from here.
<3.
on a lighter note, i gave up naps for lent-- which was a good idea, i think. unfortunately, in place of my 3-hour-daily-nap-dependency, i have become addicted to caffeine and television. i think both addictions would have eventually developed, anyway, because i get free pop at work (and i work about 4 days a week) and i have cable tv for the first time in my life-- and i started watching lost and grey's anatomy! its hard to stop, really, no matter who you are once you start watching grey's. but my lack of sleep has definitely heightened these obsessions because they are replacing the time i would have normally spent sleeping and the energy that would have normally come from a 3 hour nap. i think i'm missing the point of lent, though... to replace the sleep with God, somehow. i have started to go to chapel more, which is something. i've really distanced myself from God, though, and its going to be hard to go back to where i was before st olaf. this is a start.
work is okay, school is okay, life is okay. i can't really say anything too exciting or terrible about anything right now. i'm just direction-less... which is okay. :) i'm glad God brought me here and it will be interesting to see where i'll be going from here.
<3.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
questioning.
this sounds totally ridiculous. i know i'm being totally ridiculous. but i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i always knew that i was never ENTIRELY sure of what i was doing, but right now i am just so confused and i'm being forced to rethink everything.
am i in the right place? i'm not asking myself this because i'm unhappy, because for the most part i am. i'm never going to be happy with EVERYTHING, but something feels right here and something did not feel right at st olaf. this is the place for me socially, spiritually, emotionally... or at least st olaf was NOT the place for me socially, spiritually and emotionally, but its just not the place for me academically, or at least if i want to be a music major.
i was never sure i wanted to major in music or ANYTHING when i started college, but it seemed such a shame to go to st olaf as a musical person and not use their resources. and i was going to double major in something else, because i really don't see myself doing anything with music as a career. i really don't. so i spend a year and a half at st olaf as a music major and get most of my credits done for my major there. but i was miserable there.
so i go to bethel and suddenly everything is switched around. its a place i actually want to live. i love chapel, i love lunch dates, i love my roommates, i love living in an apartment, being able to easily get parking next year, the opportunity to go to greece and italy and learn about paul from people who actually believe in God, being able to work at a job i love that gives me reasonable hours and pay, being able to go weekly to a church i like, living a life i actually want to live. i just am SOOO happy with life here. but i don't know what bethel is exactly preparing me for if i absolutely hate being a music major here. there's just no purpose-- their program is not that great, i'm not interested in it because its not great and now i'm going to have to stay 5 years probably if i want to double major.
the question is this: do i stay, suck it up and be a music major and stay 5 years. or do i stay and major in something else (and i have no idea what...). or do i go back to st olaf, go to a place where i thrive musically and basically give up my happiness for a great education and a successful career path. or do i go somewhere else?
what do you think? is there an obvious answer to all of this that i'm missing!
am i in the right place? i'm not asking myself this because i'm unhappy, because for the most part i am. i'm never going to be happy with EVERYTHING, but something feels right here and something did not feel right at st olaf. this is the place for me socially, spiritually, emotionally... or at least st olaf was NOT the place for me socially, spiritually and emotionally, but its just not the place for me academically, or at least if i want to be a music major.
i was never sure i wanted to major in music or ANYTHING when i started college, but it seemed such a shame to go to st olaf as a musical person and not use their resources. and i was going to double major in something else, because i really don't see myself doing anything with music as a career. i really don't. so i spend a year and a half at st olaf as a music major and get most of my credits done for my major there. but i was miserable there.
so i go to bethel and suddenly everything is switched around. its a place i actually want to live. i love chapel, i love lunch dates, i love my roommates, i love living in an apartment, being able to easily get parking next year, the opportunity to go to greece and italy and learn about paul from people who actually believe in God, being able to work at a job i love that gives me reasonable hours and pay, being able to go weekly to a church i like, living a life i actually want to live. i just am SOOO happy with life here. but i don't know what bethel is exactly preparing me for if i absolutely hate being a music major here. there's just no purpose-- their program is not that great, i'm not interested in it because its not great and now i'm going to have to stay 5 years probably if i want to double major.
the question is this: do i stay, suck it up and be a music major and stay 5 years. or do i stay and major in something else (and i have no idea what...). or do i go back to st olaf, go to a place where i thrive musically and basically give up my happiness for a great education and a successful career path. or do i go somewhere else?
what do you think? is there an obvious answer to all of this that i'm missing!
Friday, February 23, 2007
funny and not so funny story-- my car broke down. the funny thing is my parents just told me i'm not allowed to use the car for the next month so my brother can drive himself to drug treatment every day-- i guess that's not so funny. but it doesn't really affect me personally too much, so i'm a LITTLE more okay with this than i probably would normally be. if my brother can't go to treatment i am definitely not okay with this. anyway, the FUNNY part of the story is that my dad didn't believe it was broken. i've been late for work a few times in the last week because it won't start... and at first we thought it was because it was really cold. but i drove to cub a couple days ago and when i tried to leave it wouldn't start-- and it was definitely not cold enough for the cold to be a problem. anyway, my roommate came to pick me up, but i got it to start so i thought i was okay. i had her follow me and it died 3 times while i was driving it, once in the middle of an intersection and it finally died completely in the middle of the road at bethel. so two days later, my dad came by to pick it up and it started right away, so he didn't believe there was anything wrong with it and he was going to make me drive myself to work the next day. it took me like 5 minutes to convince him that it wasn't safe for me to drive it back and forth on the freeway-- and he was hardly convinced-- but he said he'd take it home and look at it. he drove it and i followed him in the van-- and right before we got to maple grove on the freeway, it stalled-- in the middle lane of 694 during rush hour! we had to push it to the side of the road! and amy just happened to drive by while we were doing it! maybe i didn't describe it well, but i thought it was funny.
as far as my love life... i made myself a boyfriend on sims, and we're almost married. and i played life the other day and i was the last one to marry by far. but i won! so my roommates and i decided that i would marry old, but i'd marry rich. that's about the extent of my love life, other than the mexicans at work that try to hold my hand every time i ask them for salad dressing. just thought i'd share.
love love.
as far as my love life... i made myself a boyfriend on sims, and we're almost married. and i played life the other day and i was the last one to marry by far. but i won! so my roommates and i decided that i would marry old, but i'd marry rich. that's about the extent of my love life, other than the mexicans at work that try to hold my hand every time i ask them for salad dressing. just thought i'd share.
love love.
Monday, February 19, 2007
2nd best.
i had a friend at school who would get SO pissed if he won 2nd place. he didn't care if he didn't place, he just didn't want to get 2nd. and i thought that was so weird... so overly competitive. 2nd place is so close to the best. i kept thinking like silver medal in the olympics, a red ribbon at a piano competition... i would be so happy with 2nd in so many things.
but i've realized lately that i feel the same way sometimes. i don't want to just be someone, i want to mean something... to be the best at SOMETHING. i don't want to just be another employee, another family member, another schoolmate, another friend. i want to be someone's first choice for once. they're talking about this in chapel, actually... being a leah (who jacob was forced to marry) rather then a rachel (who jacob really loved.) i have a lot of friends, but i don't think anyone would consider me their best friend. i've had a lot of people like me, but i feel like a lot of people find someone else before they actually do anything about it or just don't hold on to me.
i guess i'm saying i want to feel like i'm not just there... i don't just exist. i want to feel like i mean something. i think that's something everyone wants, really.
but i've realized lately that i feel the same way sometimes. i don't want to just be someone, i want to mean something... to be the best at SOMETHING. i don't want to just be another employee, another family member, another schoolmate, another friend. i want to be someone's first choice for once. they're talking about this in chapel, actually... being a leah (who jacob was forced to marry) rather then a rachel (who jacob really loved.) i have a lot of friends, but i don't think anyone would consider me their best friend. i've had a lot of people like me, but i feel like a lot of people find someone else before they actually do anything about it or just don't hold on to me.
i guess i'm saying i want to feel like i'm not just there... i don't just exist. i want to feel like i mean something. i think that's something everyone wants, really.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
trying again.
just to throw this out... just to warn you, i just watched the season finale of grey's anatomy (season 2) and i am feeling very very sappy and emotional. but this is how i've felt most of the week, so its not a bad time to write about everything that has gone on lately.
within the last month everything has changed for me. i randomly decided at the last minute to leave my school and then randomly decided at the last minute to apply to bethel and... go. within the last few weeks, my fear of cancer has been vanquished... that sentence sounded way too much like a bible verse haha. even my blog address has changed. my brother moved home (he was kicked out of the house.) i'm officially not going to village anymore... i haven't for a while, but i decided i'm going to make a habit of going to open door. that's just where i feel God is leading me right now. i'm so so happy right now... i think most of the changes i'm going through are a really good thing. but it has definitely been hard to have so many things change so drastically at once. even good change is hard... because change is hard. period.
i think your body (at least the female body) must have some sort of huge dramatic reflex to change like this, because my hormones have just been going crazy... within the last week i have had TWO huge breakdowns and have cried probably 4 or 5 times, which is just ridiculous because i honestly haven't cried in months. and it doesn't make sense because everything is okay! everything worked out for me! everything i had worried about turned out to be just great! i was just talking to justin about this, and i really don't understand why God made estrogen. honestly. it seems like the worst idea EVER, to have some sort of hormone that makes girls go absolutely crazy. i used to think it was just me, but in the last few weeks i have definitely come to the conclusion that it is not just me. its just... girls. and i'm okay with this. :)
so this is sort of a random new beginning. my last transfer turned out to be the best decision i have ever made, and its really looking like this is going to be too. this school fits me like a glove... especially in comparison to st olaf! this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now, and even though i haven't had time to prepare myself for a new environment like i had hoped, i think that the new environment is healing me in ways i don't think that home could. my bible professor is just... amazing. justin said she's boring, but its going to be so good for me to have someone i can ask questions that were planted in me at st olaf. and the sermons at open door, the chapels, vespers... i feel like i'm being spoon fed the truth again. socially, this is a good place for me... i've met so many people that share my passions and my morals... God forbid that would have ever happened at st olaf. i didn't even meet ONE person like that. my roommate was handpicked by God, i swear. and i've already been on a date! roommate roulette... which probably doesn't count because it was an organized blind date to chuckie cheese haha, but i feel like i'm in heaven. there are SO many boys here i would let myself date! and its just nice to have people i know... my cousin, justin, amy, jesse, erica... to have lunch with, go to vespers with and fall back on if i need to... and i definitely have. and its just amazing. all of it. its the first time in my college life that i haven't been homesick.
oh wow, i have so much to say. but i just want to say that i have been blessed and even though i'm not super ecstatic and not EVERYTHING is right, everything is becoming right again. and i'm feeling more and more at peace. AND IZZE'S FIANCE JUST DIED! i could cry again! but i'll save it for my next breakdown. :)
much love! <3
within the last month everything has changed for me. i randomly decided at the last minute to leave my school and then randomly decided at the last minute to apply to bethel and... go. within the last few weeks, my fear of cancer has been vanquished... that sentence sounded way too much like a bible verse haha. even my blog address has changed. my brother moved home (he was kicked out of the house.) i'm officially not going to village anymore... i haven't for a while, but i decided i'm going to make a habit of going to open door. that's just where i feel God is leading me right now. i'm so so happy right now... i think most of the changes i'm going through are a really good thing. but it has definitely been hard to have so many things change so drastically at once. even good change is hard... because change is hard. period.
i think your body (at least the female body) must have some sort of huge dramatic reflex to change like this, because my hormones have just been going crazy... within the last week i have had TWO huge breakdowns and have cried probably 4 or 5 times, which is just ridiculous because i honestly haven't cried in months. and it doesn't make sense because everything is okay! everything worked out for me! everything i had worried about turned out to be just great! i was just talking to justin about this, and i really don't understand why God made estrogen. honestly. it seems like the worst idea EVER, to have some sort of hormone that makes girls go absolutely crazy. i used to think it was just me, but in the last few weeks i have definitely come to the conclusion that it is not just me. its just... girls. and i'm okay with this. :)
so this is sort of a random new beginning. my last transfer turned out to be the best decision i have ever made, and its really looking like this is going to be too. this school fits me like a glove... especially in comparison to st olaf! this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now, and even though i haven't had time to prepare myself for a new environment like i had hoped, i think that the new environment is healing me in ways i don't think that home could. my bible professor is just... amazing. justin said she's boring, but its going to be so good for me to have someone i can ask questions that were planted in me at st olaf. and the sermons at open door, the chapels, vespers... i feel like i'm being spoon fed the truth again. socially, this is a good place for me... i've met so many people that share my passions and my morals... God forbid that would have ever happened at st olaf. i didn't even meet ONE person like that. my roommate was handpicked by God, i swear. and i've already been on a date! roommate roulette... which probably doesn't count because it was an organized blind date to chuckie cheese haha, but i feel like i'm in heaven. there are SO many boys here i would let myself date! and its just nice to have people i know... my cousin, justin, amy, jesse, erica... to have lunch with, go to vespers with and fall back on if i need to... and i definitely have. and its just amazing. all of it. its the first time in my college life that i haven't been homesick.
oh wow, i have so much to say. but i just want to say that i have been blessed and even though i'm not super ecstatic and not EVERYTHING is right, everything is becoming right again. and i'm feeling more and more at peace. AND IZZE'S FIANCE JUST DIED! i could cry again! but i'll save it for my next breakdown. :)
much love! <3
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