restless

"just let go and understand that God has a plan
and although it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands..."

what is wrong with me? i feel like i'm about to explode... and i couldn't even tell you why. not because i'm angry or excited or sad or anything like that, i'm just so... restless! like something in my life needs to happen, needs to change now!

i just have so many dreams right now. and they are good dreams. i feel like they are dreams given to me from God, not just selfish little things like i want to be rich or i want to be famous. i want to have a family, i want to be a part of a church, i want to minister to people in russia, i want to use my abilities to lead worship, i want to adopt children, i want to be there for the people in the world that need me most that are starving or dying. i want to really love, i want to really forgive, i want to truly be the person God wants me to be and just be someone that people can come to and experience God's love. i want to be on fire for God, i want to know Him so well that i glow like moses in the Bible when he met God. just passionate, ablaze. and its just all so far from true. obviously, it could be farther, i'm still a christian, i'm not a basket case, i probably do SOME things right. and where i am is probably just as much a part of God's plan as me adopting a little russian girl, if it isn't a bigger part of it. i just... am restless. this isn't what i want. this isn't what i want to be. i'm not unhappy, i don't have low self-esteem, i just am not satisfied. i just feel like there could be so much more and i have no idea how to get there, what exactly needs to change, what exactly i need to do.

i am on the right path, i'm assured of this. but nothing is happening. i am not growing, not in any way. i've been recovering for so long, just pulling myself back to the starting line and now i'm there and i'm ready to race and for some reason i'm just... standing here. its like i don't know how to move or where the path is, like it just ends right where i stand. and i know it isn't true! and i'm sure this isn't what God wants, but i don't even know what i'm doing wrong! and i just see so many people that are so much further ahead and i want to join them and i can't.

i need fellowship, i need an opportunity to serve, i need an opportunity to worship, i need an opportunity to learn. i need an opportunity to grow close to God again. i am just so hungry for God. i need to do something and i don't even know where to start!

tell me i'm not alone in this. let's figure out where we should go now, together, friends.