another update

i am currently college-less. which is an amazing feeling... not because i don't plan to go back to school, because i do. but i feel so much freedom. i felt so trapped at st olaf... like my parents, my grandparents, society all pressured me to stay there-- at a good school where i was practically going for free. a school that would probably take me far in life, in this world... but was destroying everything i REALLY wanted my life to be. everything i really wanted to be.

right now i'm waiting to see what i can do. i really want to take a semester off and pay off my credit card bill... i'm over a thousand dollars in debt! and its really hard to pay it off when i'm a full time student, because i don't have time to work more than 10 hours a week and try to get all my homework done... :/ the problem right now is that i won't have health insurance if i don't go to school and if i do have cancer or need surgery or anything, i'm probably going to need it. i'm hoping to transfer to bethel eventually, but i really don't want to transfer halfway through the year and i'm not going back to st olaf. at the very least not next semester. so... my backup plan is to commute to the u for a semester because if i am sick, i'm pretty sure i want to live at home.

so that's my life. :)

random website

my friend paul sent me this. i thought it was funny. =)

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=58d79cd849cf735f2107e97_20061206

good luck with finals and happy xmas season!

xmas fest!

we had our third concert tonight! if any of you are at all interested in listening to it, it will be broadcast on national public radio (99.5) tomorrow (sunday) at 3:30 (live) and rebroadcast on december 22 at 8. its supposedly one of the best ones st olaf has ever had... just a good choir, good music. its good. you should listen to it. :)

so much more

i'm finding now today i'm standing here alone...
seems i've lost my way.
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.

what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way? this broken path i'm travelling.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for:
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand
i'm never alone.

there's more than we can see
there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me
its time to let go
and cling tightly to You.

rethinking what i've been
and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You
i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries
i throw them to the wind.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

update

i know i didn't give too many details on everything that's going on, but its looking good i think.

i got my blood test results and they are normal, which is good.

my doctor just called me like an hour ago and told me my imaging test results. i guess i have a tumor on the right side of my thyroid that has nodules in it-- that's kind of scary to say. i'm still not sure what that means. the radiologist that looked at my "images" said that he thought it was benign. but my doctor is setting me up with an endocrine specialist just to be sure and to maybe figure out if we need to remove it since i've been having trouble swallowing.

and, worst case scenario, if i DO have it, i have a 96% chance of survival, so its probably nothing too serious.

please keep praying and thank you to all who have been. but its looking like i'll survive. :)

thanksgiving!!

i just felt like i should post something because i am told i don't post enough.

not a whole lot is going on.... well i suppose there's a whole lot going on. :) i find out if i have cancer this next week... but its surprising how not scared i am. its funny but i think that God is almost using this... even if i'm really fine... to teach me what He's been trying to teach me forever. and i'm getting it. let it go. i've spent three years trying to figure out what that meant. that seems ridiculous, but its a heart thing that's not easy to just do.

it doesn't mean giving up. it doesn't mean losing all hope. it doesn't mean you should stop thinking about what you want, dreaming about what you want. i don't know exactly how to explain it, but i feel like where i'm at is exactly where God has wanted me to be. i still want what i want. but i've realized i have no control over it. and i've realized that getting mad at God is not going to get me anywhere. i've realized that worrying... being stressed or scared... about whatever's going to happen to me is not going to add a single day to my life or really get me anything. and the BIGGEST thing God taught me is that He's not being cruel about asking me to do any of this... to give Him my life... He doesn't want to torture me and prod me until i'm a perfect zombie. He actually cares about me and my dreams. i'm trusting someone trustworthy with my life. and even if i don't understand what's going on... He's trustworthy. what He really WANTS more than anything isn't necessarily perfection, but ME.


on a completely different topic, i just have to add some of the things i am thankful for.

this year God has blessed me with a car, the best job i have ever had, a good education, a wonderful family and adorable dog, good roommates, memorable memories and just... life. its funny how much you take some things for granted until they're almost taken away and i feel like there is so much that has almost been taken away that i am so thankful to still have.

so yeah, i look forward to what God has planned for all of us and i'm grateful for what He's given me so far. happy thanksgiving, loves!

...

pray for me. i'm getting tested to see if i have thyroid cancer.

(i'm probably fine... but prayer would be wonderful.)

growing up

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young"
-John Mayer


Growing up is really scary... Its not that I never had responsibilities when I was at home, but my parents are literally shoving me completely out the door. Its crazy for me to be entirely responsible for my own meals, my laundry, buying my own shampoo. I have no one to yell at me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm staying up too late working on schoolwork... no one to help me find my things, to help me remember when I have an appointment or meeting. I am responsible to make my own appointments to get my hair cut, to go to the doctor... I am responsible for paying off my credit card bill, for my educational loans. I am responsible for paving my future and I don't have an f-ing clue what I'm doing.

I'm finding myself with so many responsibilities all at once and I'm not a responsible person at all!

So I'm finding myself being late for appointments, losing all my things, sleeping through classes because I'm up working till 2 in the morning, turning in homework late because I'm working all weekend to try to pay off my credit card bill. I'm finding myself sitting in a pile of garbage in my room, trying desperately to finish a huge assignment that was due an hour ago. Finding myself with little time to try to squeeze in a social life, finding myself on a path leading to an uncertain future... who knows if I'll ever get married? Who knows if I'll find a career that's "right" for me?

And sometimes its too much. I don't want to grow up. I don't like the fact that I'll probably only live another 60 years at the most and time is already running through my fingers. I don't like that people are changing, that I have to move out of the house, that I have to try to be mature when I still have the spirit of a 4th grader inside. That my life is changing drastically with time. Sometimes its exciting to be on this train, but I almost feel like its going too fast for me.

And then God reassures me that even though my parents don't view me as their child any longer, even though society is pushing the weight of adulthood on my shoulders, I am still HIS child and I will never grow up. And these responsibilities are really on His shoulders. I'm not really butting my way through life, I'm allowing Him to clear the path for me and He's holding my hand as we cross this crazy street we call life.


"He will love the little children, He will carry them in His arms.
Love and trust Him as a child.
Behold, your Lord comes to you."
-"Climb to the Top of the Highest Mountain" based on Isaiah 40

...

This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, I just found this picture and it makes me happy. :)

As far as life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm kind of finding myself at a crossroads. Please don't judge me when you read this... I'm really opening myself up right now because God has shown me in the last couple of days that its impossible to deal with these huge struggles alone and really find healing.

Lately, I've been feeling really sick. It might have to do with stress, not enough sleep, but I've had some really scary moments. Its also possibly psychological... I haven't had health insurance until this last year, so I've never had anyone really tell me that I'm okay. So I guess worrying about my health has always kind of been a battle for me. But now we have health insurance... St Olaf makes me, which is a blessing really. So, you'd think this wouldn't be a problem... but I'll come home and tell my parents I haven't been feeling well and my dad will tell me I'm fine and refuse to let me see a doctor. I don't know if this is a power trip sort of thing for him... I know he's mad that I don't trust him... but I don't see how he doesn't understand why. Which brings up a whole other set of issues...

Basically, I have been living in fear for years... and I honestly hadn't told a soul until last night. And God has really showed me lately that I don't really trust him and don't really believe He cares about me at all, that I'm not 100% sure that what I believe is 100% true, that I don't know for sure where I'm going when I die and for that reason am scared to death of the thought. God has also been showing me I'm living in sin and it is not something I should be taking as lightly as I have been and that I need to let go of so many dreams I have been putting way before Him. Basically, my spiritual life sucks.

It doesn't really matter if you care or not, I just really needed to tell people what's going on. I just can't keep this buried inside me anymore.

God has brought so many people to me in the last 24 hours, its seriously incredible... so I know I'm supposed to be here. My roommate last year told me that God gave her a vision that this year at St Olaf was going to be a year of healing, and God do I need it... she told me this last night and I haven't even really told her anything about anything.

I can't imagine being whole, its a crazy thought.

On a COMPLETELY lighter note I'm going to see Switchfoot tonight with a few wonderful people, and I can't even express how excited I am. They are honestly my favorite thing in the entire world. I'm a little worried though because I'm driving and my car is just a mess. Its completely dirty because I have to drive down this dirt road because of the road construction by my house, I have uncooked spagghetti all over my floor that I'm going to have to vacuum... and I have no idea how that's going to happen..., the passenger seat belt doesn't work and now my heat doesn't either lol. So it might be a little embarrassing. But I still can't wait!

so there's another completely random monthly blog. i love you all!

Things Will Change

Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are may not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be

Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.

Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.

Just let go and understand that God has a plan.
And although it's hard to see
God holds all things in His hands.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life come in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.
Things will change.

(i wrote this last summer)

so far this year...

so i realize leaving lyrics to a song isn't really a good way of letting people know what is up in my life... especially if people think its a depressing song. i'm not depressed... just going to throw that out there. and it doesn't really reflect school either. i wrote the song actually right before school started. and i was sad. that was how i felt when i wrote the song... that doesn't mean i'm sad all the time or sad in general, but that night i was really sad. a couple days before i wrote the song, i did something i probably shouldn't have done, reopening an issue i thought i had closed don't really feel that way anymore and i don't think those feelings were unnatural. but i don't know... i like the lyrics because it was so real. it was the first time in a while i had really admitted that i had pushed God to the back burner and i NEEDED Him so badly. maybe its not a song i should sing for other people? but i didn't write it to sing for other people, i wrote it for God and for me. so that's that.

as far as school, it is SOO much better this year. there are a few things that i'm still not too happy about, but i love my dorm, i love my roommates, i love my classes, i love Bible study, choir and piano lessons should be amazing this year... i don't really have to deal with drinking as much this year, because my dorm is kind of... nerdy :D (i live with mostly music majors in a quiet dorm... meaning, you can't be really loud after like midnight... which is gay in a way, but i usually go to bed at midnight anyway. and i can surround myself with whoever i want really.) my roommate from last year and i have hung out a lot since i got here, which is really cool. it's good to kind of know we're friends and not just roommates anymore... although she might as well be, considering how often she is in my room. :) and... my parents gave me a car!!!! which pretty much remedies everything, because i can leave whenever i want. i could go on... but i feel like this year will be better than last year. i still might transfer, but i at least won't be totally suffering through my time here. :)

i haven't really slept at all... i was busy all weekend and didn't really sleep... i stayed out late friday with friends from school, woke up early saturday to go to hay days in forest lake (some snowmobiling race even my grandpa announced for the last 40 years) because they dedicated the weekend to my grandpa. i hung out with my cousin until like 3, drove home, drove to st olaf and back, went to my friend's cd release concert in maple grove and then drove to buffalo to spend the rest of the night with zach, justin, amy, tim and kelly... literally, the rest of the night. i went home at 5:30. i went to bible study the next day at like 12 and eventually drove back. and i'm surprised i didn't like fall asleep while i was driving... my classes consume pretty much the rest of my week... they're really hard this semester. so i really put myself out and got really sick. that's something you could pray for i guess... i'm really tired of being sick all the time.

so that's what's going on... i've been trying to grow close to God again and i can already see everything else sort of falling in place. i'm not going to pretend st olaf isn't hard for me at all, but its bearable and its a lot easier to see God's blessings after last year. so yeah, here's another ridiculously long blog. i hope everyone is else is having fun at school or home or wherever else God has directed them to be. i love you all.

crying out

How long must I wait to feel You?
How long must I wait to see You
And all You promised me?

Come now into my life
And fix me.
I'm desperate for Your love.
Come fill me
Consume me.

I'm crying, I'm crying out
I am dying for You.
I need You, I need You
More than I ever knew.

How long can I live without You?
How far can I go without You
with me?

Come now and search my soul.
I'm broken.
Please come and make me whole.
I've fallen, please catch me.

I'm crying, I'm crying out.
I am dying for You.
I need You, I need You
More than I ever knew.

political views

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

i'm 20 o_O

so things have changed a lot since i last wrote and it's amazing how much God has been blessing me since i've left st olaf. not to say st olaf was absolutely TERRIBLE, but it really drained me and it actually took me until about a week ago to feel like i've come even close to where i was before. this last year has been filled with so many questions, doubts, heartache and frustration, i can't even begin to explain and that's a huge reason i didn't write too much in this blog. i hate talking about things that bother me and there was just so much... there wasn't a whole lot else to write about. but God has picked me back up again and turned me around and i'm definitely broken but... i have so much peace. it's like the feeling you have after you've run and run and run and you finally get to sit down, drink water, BREATHE. and i almost feel like i'm more where i should be now then i was before-- it's like i realized what growth is... growth isn't necessarily feeling on top of the Christian faith, like you have it all figured out: it's realizing God is in control, submitting yourself to Him. You're not supposed to be growing strong and independent- you're supposed to be growing closer to God. and i feel like i'm doing just that... i realize i'm definitely far from where i should be, but God has really been helping me come back.

it all happened in twenty-four hours, really. that's always how it happens: it's right when you've been broken the most, when you're just about to give up that God chooses to lift you up. when you can't take it anymore, when you've cried all of your tears. in short, within the last year i've had to deal with the loss of my grandpa, of what i'd grown to love and call home, my brother's drug problem growing completely out of control, frustrating classes, having basically no friends at school until basically the very end of the year, the possibility of a serious physical illness and serious questioning, doubts. i mean, it could always be worse, but it's kind of interesting that so many hard things happened in one year. i was really upset with life, really confused and i felt really alone-- i realized at the end of the year, as sad as this is, that i honestly didn't believe that God really loved me and would take me back. the circumstances weren't really making it seem that way and i was about as far from peace as you can be.

anyway, it was a relief to just be home, even though a lot of the problems hadn't still gone away... mostly because all i wanted to do all year was move home. but being home means i'm going to inevitably deal with family problems, and on top of that i had a crappy job at an egg factory :), i had to deal with drama and i almost felt further from God than i had before. i can't remember why, but on sunday night i had really had enough. i hadn't really cried much all year and on my way home from wherever i was i just let it all go. i screamed at God, i cried almost as hard as i have ever cried. and i told God i didn't want to live, but at the same time i didn't want to die-- i didn't want to die feeling like i had wasted my life. i mean, it was terrible.

the next day i felt basically as crappy as i had before. i had been asked to be in a girls' small group on monday nights, and i seriously debated going but i did. and that was the end of it. that was the answer to my prayer and i really had no idea. all of my problems weren't taken away that night, but i heard everything i needed to hear. God made Himself present to me, again, and the Bible study was basically on who i am in Christ and how i can be certain that i am secure and loved. i felt like i was being spoon fed by God, and i felt Him slowly fill me again as we read every word out loud. just to hear the truth out loud... that's what i really needed. and afterwards, we discussed basically everything i had been dealing with, every question i had been asking God and after a year of searching and asking, i got the answers i needed to hear. and i know they were from God. and the peace i needed. it all came that night.

on top of that, i basically resolved the hugest conflicts i had been dealing with that summer... one of which i wasn't even entirely aware of. but it was an amazing feeling-- to have so many problems i had been dealing with... forever... taken away in just a few hours. i hung out with amy that night and we sat on her car, stared at the stars and just talked. i had just told kelly that i had never felt at peace throughout my entire walk with God and that night i was at peace again and i've felt that way since.

the rest of my week was... not without problems at all. but i can feel God with me again and i'm realizing that's really all i need to get me through. and i'm so glad that God decided to keep me alive lol, because i had an amazing birthday on friday, despite my dread of it. during my last teenage hour i won the expanded version of settlers, which is honestly a miracle. i didn't even know i won lol, it was really sad. and i fell asleep watching a movie. rae spent the night and the next day i mostly relaxed, had lunch out with my brother, justin and rae at lee ann chins, went to valleyfair for about 5 hours, ate at perkins and came back to my house to watch memoirs of a geisha. i actually fell asleep after about 15 minutes lol. but it was such a good day. i felt so loved. i got so much more attention, so many more gifts, phone calls, messages than i expected from so many more people than i expected. and i knew it was all God's way of showing me He really loved me. God has given me so much, i am so blessed and i think it's just that much better after this last year. my problems are far from all gone, but i know God is in control of and cares about my life and i'm re-realizing what truly makes life worth living. i don't know, that's basically what God has been showing me, but it's huge. and i'm really still so young. i'm turning over a new leaf-- i'm not a teenager anymore, and i've already learned so much in such a short amount of time. this is only the beginning of an "endless story"... a life in eternity. and i can't wait. :)

comfort

i'm kind of shy about sharing my music, but lately i've just realized how much the music i've written has meant to me. there are so many songs that i know were given to me... for me, as weird as that is. promises of what God is, how He loves me. when i write out the message, the lyrics, the words, i'm preserving things i know, things i need to hear over and over, and that is honestly what got me through last night. God is amazing and He knows how to speak to us in our own ways... and its comforting He knows what the most comforting way to speak to me. He is just wonderful... and i don't know what i'd do without Him.


He Knows
(I actually wrote this about a year ago for my grandpa... and its funny but this song is probably what has been helping ME through the loss of my grandpa and everything else)

I know this seems to much for you and isn't fair
The pain you hold inside of you is hard to bear,
and sometimes it may seem the world has turned its back on you
and know one seems to care.

Well, He knows and He cares for you,
oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

Well there's someone who understands every tear
He's holding out His arms to you, so never fear
And of all the people you have ever turned to
There's only one who bears the pain with you

He knows and He cares for you,
oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

And every tear that's escaped from your eye He's cried for
He knows the pain that tears you apart
He's been there too
And He loves you

He knows and He cares for you,
Oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

I know this seems to much for you
And it's not fair
This burden isn't meant for you
It's His to bear


i know this makes last night sound so much worse than it was lol, but its really hard for me to be alone. and its nice to know that at least one certain someone cares about me.

Broken... (and fixed)

"Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.
So I wait for You..."

I know my title sounds like I'm going to talk about something deep... like my heart is broken or my life or something depressing like that, but actually I'm kind of speaking literally. I was trying to figure out how to make this interesting because I don't think anyone reads it anymore lol, so I decided to try to categorize all the somewhat important things that happened this week in terms of how they broke and/or how they were fixed (I know, I'm so creative...)

My computer:
So I usually leave my computer on while I'm in class... I'm not sure why... I guess because sometimes people leave me messages-- sometimes important, but usually not important. Anyway, I'd left it on for about a week straight and I was starting to wonder whether it was a good idea to be doing that. But before I had decided to maybe turn it off at night or while I was in class, it decided to turn itself off... and not back on. Which kind of freaked me out. I've been having a lot of issues with my computer since I got it (and Adam always blames himself when I say this, and I don't blame him at all) but so far I've found solutions to them and I'm just hoping that it will last until I graduate, or at least for another couple of years. But I haven't even finished the payments I'm making for this thing... I have like $500 left to pay for it. So I was like... great... I tried everything I could think of to get it to turn back on for three days and I couldn't get a hold of Adam so I had kind of last hope that I would be able to use it again... and I figured I'd probably have to pay what I owed for it off this summer and buy another one instead of getting a car this summer, because regardless of how much I want a car, a computer is a little more essential in college. BUT THEN i remembered that i have a bunch of other computer nerds that are constantly on the forum my friends at home started, and within a few hours Mitch gave me directions, which I followed AND... IT WORKED!!! I don't think my roommate has ever seen me that excited lol. But now I am sooo much more grateful for the time I have left with this thing.

My internet:
And on the same lines, the internet on my computer has not worked since the week after I got it (which is completely my fault, because I was too lazy to try to return it within the time I had a warranty on it). But Adam discovered that if I put a pen under where I plug the cable in it works. So I've been doing that pretty much all year and its been working well. And trust me, it would NOT work if I took the pen out from under it. Well today when I got back from home, I turned my computer on and started AIM, safari, itunes and then realized that I had forgotten to put the pen back under the port... but it was working! So I'm kind of considering that a miracle. But it made me really happy :D.

Concert: Well, I guess I could say the concert broke my... pride? I don't know, but I had to throw it in. I went to the Jeremy Camp/Bethany Dillon concert at Bethel College on Friday and it was soooo much more amazing than I expected it to be. I was never a huge fan of Jeremy Camp and I didn't even know who Bethany Dillon was until my friends asked me if I wanted to go. I mostly decided to go because I'm really anxious to become closer to the other Christians here and I thought it would be fun to go to A concert with them, even if the people playing weren't my favorite artists. But even though I don't care for Jeremy Camp's CDs, he gives AMAZING concerts. And Bethany Dillon's music is just beautiful. I enjoyed the music AND the people I was with, so I had a lot of fun. First, I have a lot of respect for musicians that can play their music well in front of people and not just in recording studios, which both artists were very much able to do. Jeremy was also really entertaining-- his goal between songs was usually just to be laid back and make people laugh which he and his guitarist were really good at, he had an amazing testimony and when everyone pleaded with him not to be done at the end, he was just like "okay, I guess I can do a couple worship songs"-- which weren't even HIS worship songs, just ones he happened to know. It was great... I jumped to my feet as soon as a couple other people did and we just raised our hands and praised God. I don't think I've worshipped like that since the National Youth Conference. So it was great, and I can't wait to see him at Sonshine with all my dear friends back at home ;)

My health: So I went home after the concert, which was a really good idea because I got really sick over the weekend-- I either had the flu or strep-- I'm on strep medication, regardless of what it was, but I was so glad to be home where I didn't have to get up to get anything as opposed to being at school and having to walk like a quarter of a mile just to eat. I was kind of babied lol, partially because my fever was so high I was useless, but it was nice. And I watched all three hours of the Academy Awards (which I've never done before) and watched both the first and second Lord of the Rings... so now they make a little more sense. So yeah, it wasn't a bad thing at all and I'm definitely not as sick anymore now that I'm back at school. And most of my friends weren't even home anyway, so I didn't feel bad that I was missing anything. It's never fun to be sick, but I had the best circumstances for it.

My hairdryer: On a side note, my hairdryer caught on fire. I thought it was funny. I got a new one.

My brother: This is actually more of a heart being broken thing... My brother got in trouble again for smoking pot last week, which really hurts me. I was really hoping that now that he had his license he would quit because my parents told him they WOULD NOT let him drive if they found out he was doing it. But he did it anyway... I guess I don't understand why he is willing to give up EVERYTHING for pot-- his girlfriend, most of his good friends, his license, his freedom... it's like pot is all that matters to him. I almost wish I didn't love him so much because it hurts. I know he loves me-- we spent all weekend hanging out together (when I wasn't dying)... shopping, watching movies together. I feel so close to him sometimes, but at the same time I don't see how he could really love me THAT much if he knows it hurts me to see him smoke. It's like he cares about me, but somehow this chemical is just more important than anything... than me. I don't know... I just keep praying about it because its my responsibility to look after him and love him... I'm the only one that can really do it.

Money stress: But on a happier note, I found out that I only have to pay $300 next year for college!!!!!! So now I can hopefully get a car this summer!!! yay!!

My doubts/dreams: This is getting long, so I'm going to summarize what God is spiritually doing in my life (I'm terrible... what can I say?) I've been thinking a lot about Travis and my grandpa lately... two people I cared about that died in the last few years (although I have to say I was much closer to my Grandpa than Travis). But both hugely affected me. And like looking back on all the huge things that have happened to me in the past, God's hand was very very apparently in those tragedies and in my life since them. And it's seriously ridiculous that I would ever doubt God after all of that-- after all He did for me. I haven't told my mom about any of my struggles... mostly because I'm kind of the only person in our family that is at all an encouragement to her... so when I came home she was just gushing with all the things God has been doing for her lately. You can just tell that God is completely with her right now, even though her life is extremely hard. She felt really bad for my brother Ben because it was hat day and he'd spent a whole dollar to get a sticker so he could wear a hat (they're not usually allowed to wear hats at his middle school) and they couldn't find the hat he wanted to wear. So after he left she cried and cried and prayed and God gave her a vision of where it was... and it was there. So she brought him the hat and another dollar to buy another sticker and like all his favorite food for lunch and she was just telling me "I just wanted him to know I loved him. That's all I wanted." It made me cry. I love her and it's just great to hear how much God does, too.

In terms of dreams, though, this whole questioning issue made me feel very alone, but through all of it I realized just how important God is to me. Like I am obviously fine being single, not having many friends, but I honestly can't go on without God. And so even though I'd really like to eventually get married, I've just found I care far more about following God than anything. So I've just kind of been like "here, God, take everything... I just want to be with You forever." And lately God has really been laying Russia on my heart... like I'm pretty certain that I'm going to end up doing some sort of missions work there.. I don't know if it will be long-term or just for a year or two, or maybe even just adopting Russian orphans, but I think I'm going to take Russian as my foreign language (isn't it kind of interesting they have it here...) So yeah, that's what's been going on, if you read all of this.

Conclusion: You never realize how much you appreciate something until you almost lose it.

"God is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

new experiences

new experiences i've had over the last month:

finishing an impossible puzzle with justin and amy over break
driving down the freeway while amy is puking out the window!
shopping with marlise and her asian friend (who is impossible to find!) for about 4 hours
being on a broomball league
being one of the best players on a broomball league
being one of the best players on a GOOD broomball league
friends (at st olaf, anyway lol)
having fun (at stolaf)
NOT working all friday night
upping my high score on snake to about 3500 (i know, i'm amazing)
going to church (at st olaf)
being certain that God will keep His promises and remain faithful!

thank you for your prayers! God is so faithful and He is definitely listening.

quiz

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=060109180942-10814   

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Kara Elyse Haseltine
Birthday:	June 23, 1986
Birthplace:	Duluth, MN
Current Location:	somewhere between Northfield and Corcoran, MN
Eye Color:	blue
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	mostly swedish and then just about everything else
The Shoes You Wore Today:	sketchers
Your Weakness:	i can't think of any
Your Fears:	chickens
Your Perfect Pizza:	cheese (i know, i'm boring)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	make more friends at college, i guess lol, and figure out what i want to do with my life
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:	probably my eyes
Your Bedtime:	like 4 in the morning
Your Most Missed Memory:	junior year at rockford
Pepsi or Coke:	doesn't matter
MacDonalds or Burger King:	i'm not a fan of fast food
Single or Group Dates:	both
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:	dark chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	REAL cappuccino... not the syruppy kind at the gas station
Do you Smoke:	no
Do you Swear:	no
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	no
Do you want to go to College:	no lol
Do you want to get Married:	yes
Do you belive in yourself:	what does it mean to belive in yourself?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	sometimes... when i'm spinning or when i'm doing really weird things like swinging
Do you think you are Attractive:	who doesn't?
Are you a Health Freak:	not really
Do you get along with your Parents:	kind of
Do you like Thunderstorms:	no
Do you play an Instrument:	el piano y la guitarra
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yeah... only wine on new years and christmas
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	how cold would that be right now?
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	well... music
Ever been Drunk:	yeah
Ever been called a Tease:	yeah, but it isn't true... is it?
Ever been Beaten up:	well, supposedly, in 2nd grade
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	i don't
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i haven't really decided yet, probably a journalist
What country would you most like to Visit:	well, all of them... but i'm focusing on italy right now
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:	usually longer
Height:	taller than me, but not monstrously
Weight:	skinny
Best Clothing Style:	doesn't matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	like 3
Number of CDs I own:	way more than the number i actually listen to
Number of Piercings:	2 or 4? does each ear count?
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	maybe a couple things... for the most part, i'm happy with the way my life turned out
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!