dehumanizing

i know that this blog is going to make it look like i'm crabby-- well, probably because i am right now. but honestly, ignore it because its a bad reflection of my overall MOOD lately. i am, in general, about as happy as i have ever been in the last few years. i like where i am. i like who i am. i like who i'm becoming. i like what's becoming of my life. there are a LOT of things i am not happy with, but its not really affecting my overall... MOOD. i can't think of the better word. maybe i shouldn't major in journalism. :/

anyway, i've decided to write about something i am not okay with... just because this is something that God has laid on my heart lately and i think its important.

i've been battling for the longest time with viewing myself as valuable. and if you know anything about my life, i think you could understand where this battle stems from-- an insecure, mentally abusive dad, mean neighbor kids, crappy high school bf's that were only interested in getting some, etc. i don't think my life is necessarily any more rough than another person's life, its just natural that THIS would be what i would struggle with the most out of all the things a person has to struggle with.

i just read a book recently called Sex God-- i think the title is funny, its really supposed to be Sex and God. its by rob bell-- a controversial author, i guess, but God has spoken to me through both of His books. and He's really starting to change me for the better after reading this book, so i don't really care what any other intellectual critics have to say about it.

wow, i'm really babbling. anyway, the whole book was amazing, really, but the second chapter is what hit me the hardest. it talked about dehumanizing. we are all made in God's image and that's what He means by human. someone with something special inside of them. and EVERYONE in the ENTIRE world is. everyone is human, everyone is made in God's image, everyone is capable of love, being hurt, being vulnerable, being meaningful. EVERYONE. the root of SO many of the problems in the world today is dehumanizing.

most people have made a habit of forgetting another person is human. we can view our friends and our family as human, but we choose to forget that the homeless person on the corner is just like us-- with a conscience, feelings, and the immeasurable love of our father. racists forget that african american slaves are human and care about how they look, dream at night, have bad days. a lot of sexual addicts forget choose to dehumanize their sexual partner so they don't feel guilt-- equalling them to an object. a lot of girls will dehumanize another girl so they can feel better about themselves. a lot of people dehumanize starving children in africa or the suicidal woman at work because they don't want to have to care. its easy to dehumanize movie stars, political figures. its easy to dehumanize a random person walking by us in the mall or the teenager at the burger king drive through window. its REALLY easy to dehumanize guys, basing their value on their physical appearance.

we intentionally or unintentionally choose to forget that another human is just like us so that we can use them, hate them, focus on ourselves. and it is always wrong-- even if its not for the wrong reasons.

this book made me realize that i do this ALL THE TIME to SO many people. i forget the people i'm serving at work are "human." i forget the girl wearing the ugliest outfit imaginable is "human." i forget that creepy, obsessive guys are "human." and i've had so many people dehumanize me that sometimes i forget that I'M human. i tear myself apart so much-- obsessing over how i look, what people think of me, where i fit into society-- and sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i've let myself forget who i really am-- valuable and loved immeasurably by God.

since this realization, i have honestly begun to look at things differently. i'm not defined by my personality, because i can really act however i want. i'm not defined by how i look because my appearance is constantly changing. i'm not defined by what people think of me because some people like me and some people don't. i am-- human. i'm loved. and i'm starting to understand that that's who i am.

i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of this game. i'm tired of dehumanizing and being dehumanized. i'm tired of people not valuing me and i'm tired of not valuing other people. it's not something that is going to be easy to change, but i have to.

song lyrics

the only way (i have no idea if that's going to actually be the title... i haven't thought about having a title until now.)

i'm searching for a path that satisfies
but each new one i choose ends up worse than before.
i am trying to escape as reality chases me
in all directions-- but calling me its way.

there's something inside me that can't buy the lies.
something inside won't let me hide anymore.

i am ready to go,
i'm ready to take the next step.
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again
that You're the only way for me.

and i can't fight the light
that's seeping through my fingers
as i cover my face-- i just can't hide.
and now i can see
i'm starting to understand
that a life without You is a meaningless life.

i'll search every corner and sift through the pain
and give You everything i find so I can be made whole again.

i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again:
You're the only way for me.

i'm fighting for my freedom
i'm fighting through the pain
i'm fighting for the chance to live a life with You again.
i'm fighting for what's right
and i'm fighting for the truth
i'm fighting for my life
and i'm fighting for You.

i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me and over and over and over and over and over and over again:
You're the only way for me.

lent.

i don't know what to say, other than that life is confusing. i can sense myself giving up on some people, which is really bad... even when i see some change, i have a hard time believing that its really possible for people to just be the kind of people they should be. which is funny, because i have changed so much in the last few years. why can't i believe its possible for my family members to eventually change for the better, too?

on a lighter note, i gave up naps for lent-- which was a good idea, i think. unfortunately, in place of my 3-hour-daily-nap-dependency, i have become addicted to caffeine and television. i think both addictions would have eventually developed, anyway, because i get free pop at work (and i work about 4 days a week) and i have cable tv for the first time in my life-- and i started watching lost and grey's anatomy! its hard to stop, really, no matter who you are once you start watching grey's. but my lack of sleep has definitely heightened these obsessions because they are replacing the time i would have normally spent sleeping and the energy that would have normally come from a 3 hour nap. i think i'm missing the point of lent, though... to replace the sleep with God, somehow. i have started to go to chapel more, which is something. i've really distanced myself from God, though, and its going to be hard to go back to where i was before st olaf. this is a start.

work is okay, school is okay, life is okay. i can't really say anything too exciting or terrible about anything right now. i'm just direction-less... which is okay. :) i'm glad God brought me here and it will be interesting to see where i'll be going from here.

<3.