so much more

i'm finding now today i'm standing here alone...
seems i've lost my way.
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.

what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way? this broken path i'm travelling.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for:
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand
i'm never alone.

there's more than we can see
there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me
its time to let go
and cling tightly to You.

rethinking what i've been
and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You
i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries
i throw them to the wind.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

update

i know i didn't give too many details on everything that's going on, but its looking good i think.

i got my blood test results and they are normal, which is good.

my doctor just called me like an hour ago and told me my imaging test results. i guess i have a tumor on the right side of my thyroid that has nodules in it-- that's kind of scary to say. i'm still not sure what that means. the radiologist that looked at my "images" said that he thought it was benign. but my doctor is setting me up with an endocrine specialist just to be sure and to maybe figure out if we need to remove it since i've been having trouble swallowing.

and, worst case scenario, if i DO have it, i have a 96% chance of survival, so its probably nothing too serious.

please keep praying and thank you to all who have been. but its looking like i'll survive. :)

thanksgiving!!

i just felt like i should post something because i am told i don't post enough.

not a whole lot is going on.... well i suppose there's a whole lot going on. :) i find out if i have cancer this next week... but its surprising how not scared i am. its funny but i think that God is almost using this... even if i'm really fine... to teach me what He's been trying to teach me forever. and i'm getting it. let it go. i've spent three years trying to figure out what that meant. that seems ridiculous, but its a heart thing that's not easy to just do.

it doesn't mean giving up. it doesn't mean losing all hope. it doesn't mean you should stop thinking about what you want, dreaming about what you want. i don't know exactly how to explain it, but i feel like where i'm at is exactly where God has wanted me to be. i still want what i want. but i've realized i have no control over it. and i've realized that getting mad at God is not going to get me anywhere. i've realized that worrying... being stressed or scared... about whatever's going to happen to me is not going to add a single day to my life or really get me anything. and the BIGGEST thing God taught me is that He's not being cruel about asking me to do any of this... to give Him my life... He doesn't want to torture me and prod me until i'm a perfect zombie. He actually cares about me and my dreams. i'm trusting someone trustworthy with my life. and even if i don't understand what's going on... He's trustworthy. what He really WANTS more than anything isn't necessarily perfection, but ME.


on a completely different topic, i just have to add some of the things i am thankful for.

this year God has blessed me with a car, the best job i have ever had, a good education, a wonderful family and adorable dog, good roommates, memorable memories and just... life. its funny how much you take some things for granted until they're almost taken away and i feel like there is so much that has almost been taken away that i am so thankful to still have.

so yeah, i look forward to what God has planned for all of us and i'm grateful for what He's given me so far. happy thanksgiving, loves!

...

pray for me. i'm getting tested to see if i have thyroid cancer.

(i'm probably fine... but prayer would be wonderful.)

growing up

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young"
-John Mayer


Growing up is really scary... Its not that I never had responsibilities when I was at home, but my parents are literally shoving me completely out the door. Its crazy for me to be entirely responsible for my own meals, my laundry, buying my own shampoo. I have no one to yell at me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm staying up too late working on schoolwork... no one to help me find my things, to help me remember when I have an appointment or meeting. I am responsible to make my own appointments to get my hair cut, to go to the doctor... I am responsible for paying off my credit card bill, for my educational loans. I am responsible for paving my future and I don't have an f-ing clue what I'm doing.

I'm finding myself with so many responsibilities all at once and I'm not a responsible person at all!

So I'm finding myself being late for appointments, losing all my things, sleeping through classes because I'm up working till 2 in the morning, turning in homework late because I'm working all weekend to try to pay off my credit card bill. I'm finding myself sitting in a pile of garbage in my room, trying desperately to finish a huge assignment that was due an hour ago. Finding myself with little time to try to squeeze in a social life, finding myself on a path leading to an uncertain future... who knows if I'll ever get married? Who knows if I'll find a career that's "right" for me?

And sometimes its too much. I don't want to grow up. I don't like the fact that I'll probably only live another 60 years at the most and time is already running through my fingers. I don't like that people are changing, that I have to move out of the house, that I have to try to be mature when I still have the spirit of a 4th grader inside. That my life is changing drastically with time. Sometimes its exciting to be on this train, but I almost feel like its going too fast for me.

And then God reassures me that even though my parents don't view me as their child any longer, even though society is pushing the weight of adulthood on my shoulders, I am still HIS child and I will never grow up. And these responsibilities are really on His shoulders. I'm not really butting my way through life, I'm allowing Him to clear the path for me and He's holding my hand as we cross this crazy street we call life.


"He will love the little children, He will carry them in His arms.
Love and trust Him as a child.
Behold, your Lord comes to you."
-"Climb to the Top of the Highest Mountain" based on Isaiah 40