questioning.

this sounds totally ridiculous. i know i'm being totally ridiculous. but i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i always knew that i was never ENTIRELY sure of what i was doing, but right now i am just so confused and i'm being forced to rethink everything.

am i in the right place? i'm not asking myself this because i'm unhappy, because for the most part i am. i'm never going to be happy with EVERYTHING, but something feels right here and something did not feel right at st olaf. this is the place for me socially, spiritually, emotionally... or at least st olaf was NOT the place for me socially, spiritually and emotionally, but its just not the place for me academically, or at least if i want to be a music major.

i was never sure i wanted to major in music or ANYTHING when i started college, but it seemed such a shame to go to st olaf as a musical person and not use their resources. and i was going to double major in something else, because i really don't see myself doing anything with music as a career. i really don't. so i spend a year and a half at st olaf as a music major and get most of my credits done for my major there. but i was miserable there.

so i go to bethel and suddenly everything is switched around. its a place i actually want to live. i love chapel, i love lunch dates, i love my roommates, i love living in an apartment, being able to easily get parking next year, the opportunity to go to greece and italy and learn about paul from people who actually believe in God, being able to work at a job i love that gives me reasonable hours and pay, being able to go weekly to a church i like, living a life i actually want to live. i just am SOOO happy with life here. but i don't know what bethel is exactly preparing me for if i absolutely hate being a music major here. there's just no purpose-- their program is not that great, i'm not interested in it because its not great and now i'm going to have to stay 5 years probably if i want to double major.

the question is this: do i stay, suck it up and be a music major and stay 5 years. or do i stay and major in something else (and i have no idea what...). or do i go back to st olaf, go to a place where i thrive musically and basically give up my happiness for a great education and a successful career path. or do i go somewhere else?

what do you think? is there an obvious answer to all of this that i'm missing!

funny and not so funny story-- my car broke down. the funny thing is my parents just told me i'm not allowed to use the car for the next month so my brother can drive himself to drug treatment every day-- i guess that's not so funny. but it doesn't really affect me personally too much, so i'm a LITTLE more okay with this than i probably would normally be. if my brother can't go to treatment i am definitely not okay with this. anyway, the FUNNY part of the story is that my dad didn't believe it was broken. i've been late for work a few times in the last week because it won't start... and at first we thought it was because it was really cold. but i drove to cub a couple days ago and when i tried to leave it wouldn't start-- and it was definitely not cold enough for the cold to be a problem. anyway, my roommate came to pick me up, but i got it to start so i thought i was okay. i had her follow me and it died 3 times while i was driving it, once in the middle of an intersection and it finally died completely in the middle of the road at bethel. so two days later, my dad came by to pick it up and it started right away, so he didn't believe there was anything wrong with it and he was going to make me drive myself to work the next day. it took me like 5 minutes to convince him that it wasn't safe for me to drive it back and forth on the freeway-- and he was hardly convinced-- but he said he'd take it home and look at it. he drove it and i followed him in the van-- and right before we got to maple grove on the freeway, it stalled-- in the middle lane of 694 during rush hour! we had to push it to the side of the road! and amy just happened to drive by while we were doing it! maybe i didn't describe it well, but i thought it was funny.

as far as my love life... i made myself a boyfriend on sims, and we're almost married. and i played life the other day and i was the last one to marry by far. but i won! so my roommates and i decided that i would marry old, but i'd marry rich. that's about the extent of my love life, other than the mexicans at work that try to hold my hand every time i ask them for salad dressing. just thought i'd share.

love love.

2nd best.

i had a friend at school who would get SO pissed if he won 2nd place. he didn't care if he didn't place, he just didn't want to get 2nd. and i thought that was so weird... so overly competitive. 2nd place is so close to the best. i kept thinking like silver medal in the olympics, a red ribbon at a piano competition... i would be so happy with 2nd in so many things.

but i've realized lately that i feel the same way sometimes. i don't want to just be someone, i want to mean something... to be the best at SOMETHING. i don't want to just be another employee, another family member, another schoolmate, another friend. i want to be someone's first choice for once. they're talking about this in chapel, actually... being a leah (who jacob was forced to marry) rather then a rachel (who jacob really loved.) i have a lot of friends, but i don't think anyone would consider me their best friend. i've had a lot of people like me, but i feel like a lot of people find someone else before they actually do anything about it or just don't hold on to me.

i guess i'm saying i want to feel like i'm not just there... i don't just exist. i want to feel like i mean something. i think that's something everyone wants, really.

trying again.

just to throw this out... just to warn you, i just watched the season finale of grey's anatomy (season 2) and i am feeling very very sappy and emotional. but this is how i've felt most of the week, so its not a bad time to write about everything that has gone on lately.

within the last month everything has changed for me. i randomly decided at the last minute to leave my school and then randomly decided at the last minute to apply to bethel and... go. within the last few weeks, my fear of cancer has been vanquished... that sentence sounded way too much like a bible verse haha. even my blog address has changed. my brother moved home (he was kicked out of the house.) i'm officially not going to village anymore... i haven't for a while, but i decided i'm going to make a habit of going to open door. that's just where i feel God is leading me right now. i'm so so happy right now... i think most of the changes i'm going through are a really good thing. but it has definitely been hard to have so many things change so drastically at once. even good change is hard... because change is hard. period.

i think your body (at least the female body) must have some sort of huge dramatic reflex to change like this, because my hormones have just been going crazy... within the last week i have had TWO huge breakdowns and have cried probably 4 or 5 times, which is just ridiculous because i honestly haven't cried in months. and it doesn't make sense because everything is okay! everything worked out for me! everything i had worried about turned out to be just great! i was just talking to justin about this, and i really don't understand why God made estrogen. honestly. it seems like the worst idea EVER, to have some sort of hormone that makes girls go absolutely crazy. i used to think it was just me, but in the last few weeks i have definitely come to the conclusion that it is not just me. its just... girls. and i'm okay with this. :)

so this is sort of a random new beginning. my last transfer turned out to be the best decision i have ever made, and its really looking like this is going to be too. this school fits me like a glove... especially in comparison to st olaf! this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now, and even though i haven't had time to prepare myself for a new environment like i had hoped, i think that the new environment is healing me in ways i don't think that home could. my bible professor is just... amazing. justin said she's boring, but its going to be so good for me to have someone i can ask questions that were planted in me at st olaf. and the sermons at open door, the chapels, vespers... i feel like i'm being spoon fed the truth again. socially, this is a good place for me... i've met so many people that share my passions and my morals... God forbid that would have ever happened at st olaf. i didn't even meet ONE person like that. my roommate was handpicked by God, i swear. and i've already been on a date! roommate roulette... which probably doesn't count because it was an organized blind date to chuckie cheese haha, but i feel like i'm in heaven. there are SO many boys here i would let myself date! and its just nice to have people i know... my cousin, justin, amy, jesse, erica... to have lunch with, go to vespers with and fall back on if i need to... and i definitely have. and its just amazing. all of it. its the first time in my college life that i haven't been homesick.

oh wow, i have so much to say. but i just want to say that i have been blessed and even though i'm not super ecstatic and not EVERYTHING is right, everything is becoming right again. and i'm feeling more and more at peace. AND IZZE'S FIANCE JUST DIED! i could cry again! but i'll save it for my next breakdown. :)

much love! <3