quick update (not as quick as i was hoping)

i'm in the computer lab right now because my computer is fried... i have the option of paying $300 to fix it or to buy a new one and after all the hell this computer has caused me already, i am definitely just going to save up for a new one this summer. i'm a little sad... mostly because i never backed up my music and i only buy music on itunes and because all my assignments for my theory class are gone and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do now. oh well, i guess.

as far as my future, i was kind of forced to make a lot of decisions the last few weeks. and i'm definitely not going to take a semester off... at least this next semester. i'm planning to get another job this summer so i can pay off my debt and buy a new computer. and next semester i'm going to take one class from every major i was considering to see if it will help me decide exactly what direction i'd like to go career-wise. SO... i'm going to be taking music history (just to get it out of the way, because i HATE music history more than anything), newswriting (for journalism), aesthetics (a philosophy class for my sacred music major), social psych (in case i want to be a music therapist), intro to education (with field experience!), and then some health/physical education class i'm required to take as a general course. i'm also going to be in a piano duo, taking piano lessons and being in choir and working part time at applebees so next semester is going to be SO crazy. i don't even have time to eat lunch on tuesdays! but it should be benefitial.

i also sat down and tried to figure out where i see myself in a few years. i've always had a general idea, but this is the life plan i made myself:

get married (not really a concrete plan, i'd just like to be married after college.) i'd like a steady 8-2 job during the week, probably journalism at this point. i think i'd like to go to an urban church and maybe be their worship leader and just work with disadvantaged people in the area. maybe i'll go to open door on saturday nights if i still like it there. and when i have kids, i'll take a couple years off so i can be home with them until their in pre-school. during this time i'll lead worship at a church, write music and maybe a book, and raise puppies haha. and then... travel. i don't know. it was fun to try to think it through, anyway. the funny thing is some people can really plan out their lives like that and live it. but i know my life will be NOTHING like my plan, because my life has always been extremely unpredictable... partially because i'm extremely spontaneous and i get really bored living a routine life in one place. and because i'm only 20 and i've experienced a lot of things i would never have DREAMED would happen to me... even a year or so before they happened. so... who knows where i'll be in a few years. i'm just hoping i'll at least be able to get married, have a house, kids and puppies. i think i'd be content with whatever else God decides to throw at me.

rambling.

i don't have too much to write about, but i just can't handle that blog being my last blog. just too deep. and it makes me nervous. i know i'm still not completely following through yet, but i really am trying.

so lent is over and i can finally sleep... and thank God because i stayed up all last night studying for a test that i failed today. i seriously have pessimism seeping out of me because of that, but i'll be over it after my nap, i think. :) in all, life is okay, but it is unwinding way too fast and i think i need to take a break and just go somewhere. there's only so much of a direction-less monotony i can take. and although i'm at least not SUFFERING at school, i kind of don't want to be here because i feel like i'm just wasting money when i still have no clue what i'm going to do with my education and i'm too busy to have time to even THINK.

i'm on the right path again... i can just tell. i'm finally able to start reading my Bible again which is an AMAZING start. i read hebrews the night before easter and it made me cry. its just amazing that God is as merciful as He is when we're as undeserving as we are. i really want to start a girls Bible study... i think it's something totally really necessary right now for my life and my friends' lives and i'm going to make it happen.

so that was a rambling waste of a blog. but i just needed to write another one.

dehumanizing

i know that this blog is going to make it look like i'm crabby-- well, probably because i am right now. but honestly, ignore it because its a bad reflection of my overall MOOD lately. i am, in general, about as happy as i have ever been in the last few years. i like where i am. i like who i am. i like who i'm becoming. i like what's becoming of my life. there are a LOT of things i am not happy with, but its not really affecting my overall... MOOD. i can't think of the better word. maybe i shouldn't major in journalism. :/

anyway, i've decided to write about something i am not okay with... just because this is something that God has laid on my heart lately and i think its important.

i've been battling for the longest time with viewing myself as valuable. and if you know anything about my life, i think you could understand where this battle stems from-- an insecure, mentally abusive dad, mean neighbor kids, crappy high school bf's that were only interested in getting some, etc. i don't think my life is necessarily any more rough than another person's life, its just natural that THIS would be what i would struggle with the most out of all the things a person has to struggle with.

i just read a book recently called Sex God-- i think the title is funny, its really supposed to be Sex and God. its by rob bell-- a controversial author, i guess, but God has spoken to me through both of His books. and He's really starting to change me for the better after reading this book, so i don't really care what any other intellectual critics have to say about it.

wow, i'm really babbling. anyway, the whole book was amazing, really, but the second chapter is what hit me the hardest. it talked about dehumanizing. we are all made in God's image and that's what He means by human. someone with something special inside of them. and EVERYONE in the ENTIRE world is. everyone is human, everyone is made in God's image, everyone is capable of love, being hurt, being vulnerable, being meaningful. EVERYONE. the root of SO many of the problems in the world today is dehumanizing.

most people have made a habit of forgetting another person is human. we can view our friends and our family as human, but we choose to forget that the homeless person on the corner is just like us-- with a conscience, feelings, and the immeasurable love of our father. racists forget that african american slaves are human and care about how they look, dream at night, have bad days. a lot of sexual addicts forget choose to dehumanize their sexual partner so they don't feel guilt-- equalling them to an object. a lot of girls will dehumanize another girl so they can feel better about themselves. a lot of people dehumanize starving children in africa or the suicidal woman at work because they don't want to have to care. its easy to dehumanize movie stars, political figures. its easy to dehumanize a random person walking by us in the mall or the teenager at the burger king drive through window. its REALLY easy to dehumanize guys, basing their value on their physical appearance.

we intentionally or unintentionally choose to forget that another human is just like us so that we can use them, hate them, focus on ourselves. and it is always wrong-- even if its not for the wrong reasons.

this book made me realize that i do this ALL THE TIME to SO many people. i forget the people i'm serving at work are "human." i forget the girl wearing the ugliest outfit imaginable is "human." i forget that creepy, obsessive guys are "human." and i've had so many people dehumanize me that sometimes i forget that I'M human. i tear myself apart so much-- obsessing over how i look, what people think of me, where i fit into society-- and sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. i've let myself forget who i really am-- valuable and loved immeasurably by God.

since this realization, i have honestly begun to look at things differently. i'm not defined by my personality, because i can really act however i want. i'm not defined by how i look because my appearance is constantly changing. i'm not defined by what people think of me because some people like me and some people don't. i am-- human. i'm loved. and i'm starting to understand that that's who i am.

i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of this game. i'm tired of dehumanizing and being dehumanized. i'm tired of people not valuing me and i'm tired of not valuing other people. it's not something that is going to be easy to change, but i have to.

song lyrics

the only way (i have no idea if that's going to actually be the title... i haven't thought about having a title until now.)

i'm searching for a path that satisfies
but each new one i choose ends up worse than before.
i am trying to escape as reality chases me
in all directions-- but calling me its way.

there's something inside me that can't buy the lies.
something inside won't let me hide anymore.

i am ready to go,
i'm ready to take the next step.
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again
that You're the only way for me.

and i can't fight the light
that's seeping through my fingers
as i cover my face-- i just can't hide.
and now i can see
i'm starting to understand
that a life without You is a meaningless life.

i'll search every corner and sift through the pain
and give You everything i find so I can be made whole again.

i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me over and over again:
You're the only way for me.

i'm fighting for my freedom
i'm fighting through the pain
i'm fighting for the chance to live a life with You again.
i'm fighting for what's right
and i'm fighting for the truth
i'm fighting for my life
and i'm fighting for You.

i'm ready to go
i'm ready to take the next step
ready to live
the kind of life meant for me
i'm ready to fight
for the truth You've told me and over and over and over and over and over and over again:
You're the only way for me.

lent.

i don't know what to say, other than that life is confusing. i can sense myself giving up on some people, which is really bad... even when i see some change, i have a hard time believing that its really possible for people to just be the kind of people they should be. which is funny, because i have changed so much in the last few years. why can't i believe its possible for my family members to eventually change for the better, too?

on a lighter note, i gave up naps for lent-- which was a good idea, i think. unfortunately, in place of my 3-hour-daily-nap-dependency, i have become addicted to caffeine and television. i think both addictions would have eventually developed, anyway, because i get free pop at work (and i work about 4 days a week) and i have cable tv for the first time in my life-- and i started watching lost and grey's anatomy! its hard to stop, really, no matter who you are once you start watching grey's. but my lack of sleep has definitely heightened these obsessions because they are replacing the time i would have normally spent sleeping and the energy that would have normally come from a 3 hour nap. i think i'm missing the point of lent, though... to replace the sleep with God, somehow. i have started to go to chapel more, which is something. i've really distanced myself from God, though, and its going to be hard to go back to where i was before st olaf. this is a start.

work is okay, school is okay, life is okay. i can't really say anything too exciting or terrible about anything right now. i'm just direction-less... which is okay. :) i'm glad God brought me here and it will be interesting to see where i'll be going from here.

<3.

questioning.

this sounds totally ridiculous. i know i'm being totally ridiculous. but i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i always knew that i was never ENTIRELY sure of what i was doing, but right now i am just so confused and i'm being forced to rethink everything.

am i in the right place? i'm not asking myself this because i'm unhappy, because for the most part i am. i'm never going to be happy with EVERYTHING, but something feels right here and something did not feel right at st olaf. this is the place for me socially, spiritually, emotionally... or at least st olaf was NOT the place for me socially, spiritually and emotionally, but its just not the place for me academically, or at least if i want to be a music major.

i was never sure i wanted to major in music or ANYTHING when i started college, but it seemed such a shame to go to st olaf as a musical person and not use their resources. and i was going to double major in something else, because i really don't see myself doing anything with music as a career. i really don't. so i spend a year and a half at st olaf as a music major and get most of my credits done for my major there. but i was miserable there.

so i go to bethel and suddenly everything is switched around. its a place i actually want to live. i love chapel, i love lunch dates, i love my roommates, i love living in an apartment, being able to easily get parking next year, the opportunity to go to greece and italy and learn about paul from people who actually believe in God, being able to work at a job i love that gives me reasonable hours and pay, being able to go weekly to a church i like, living a life i actually want to live. i just am SOOO happy with life here. but i don't know what bethel is exactly preparing me for if i absolutely hate being a music major here. there's just no purpose-- their program is not that great, i'm not interested in it because its not great and now i'm going to have to stay 5 years probably if i want to double major.

the question is this: do i stay, suck it up and be a music major and stay 5 years. or do i stay and major in something else (and i have no idea what...). or do i go back to st olaf, go to a place where i thrive musically and basically give up my happiness for a great education and a successful career path. or do i go somewhere else?

what do you think? is there an obvious answer to all of this that i'm missing!

funny and not so funny story-- my car broke down. the funny thing is my parents just told me i'm not allowed to use the car for the next month so my brother can drive himself to drug treatment every day-- i guess that's not so funny. but it doesn't really affect me personally too much, so i'm a LITTLE more okay with this than i probably would normally be. if my brother can't go to treatment i am definitely not okay with this. anyway, the FUNNY part of the story is that my dad didn't believe it was broken. i've been late for work a few times in the last week because it won't start... and at first we thought it was because it was really cold. but i drove to cub a couple days ago and when i tried to leave it wouldn't start-- and it was definitely not cold enough for the cold to be a problem. anyway, my roommate came to pick me up, but i got it to start so i thought i was okay. i had her follow me and it died 3 times while i was driving it, once in the middle of an intersection and it finally died completely in the middle of the road at bethel. so two days later, my dad came by to pick it up and it started right away, so he didn't believe there was anything wrong with it and he was going to make me drive myself to work the next day. it took me like 5 minutes to convince him that it wasn't safe for me to drive it back and forth on the freeway-- and he was hardly convinced-- but he said he'd take it home and look at it. he drove it and i followed him in the van-- and right before we got to maple grove on the freeway, it stalled-- in the middle lane of 694 during rush hour! we had to push it to the side of the road! and amy just happened to drive by while we were doing it! maybe i didn't describe it well, but i thought it was funny.

as far as my love life... i made myself a boyfriend on sims, and we're almost married. and i played life the other day and i was the last one to marry by far. but i won! so my roommates and i decided that i would marry old, but i'd marry rich. that's about the extent of my love life, other than the mexicans at work that try to hold my hand every time i ask them for salad dressing. just thought i'd share.

love love.

2nd best.

i had a friend at school who would get SO pissed if he won 2nd place. he didn't care if he didn't place, he just didn't want to get 2nd. and i thought that was so weird... so overly competitive. 2nd place is so close to the best. i kept thinking like silver medal in the olympics, a red ribbon at a piano competition... i would be so happy with 2nd in so many things.

but i've realized lately that i feel the same way sometimes. i don't want to just be someone, i want to mean something... to be the best at SOMETHING. i don't want to just be another employee, another family member, another schoolmate, another friend. i want to be someone's first choice for once. they're talking about this in chapel, actually... being a leah (who jacob was forced to marry) rather then a rachel (who jacob really loved.) i have a lot of friends, but i don't think anyone would consider me their best friend. i've had a lot of people like me, but i feel like a lot of people find someone else before they actually do anything about it or just don't hold on to me.

i guess i'm saying i want to feel like i'm not just there... i don't just exist. i want to feel like i mean something. i think that's something everyone wants, really.

trying again.

just to throw this out... just to warn you, i just watched the season finale of grey's anatomy (season 2) and i am feeling very very sappy and emotional. but this is how i've felt most of the week, so its not a bad time to write about everything that has gone on lately.

within the last month everything has changed for me. i randomly decided at the last minute to leave my school and then randomly decided at the last minute to apply to bethel and... go. within the last few weeks, my fear of cancer has been vanquished... that sentence sounded way too much like a bible verse haha. even my blog address has changed. my brother moved home (he was kicked out of the house.) i'm officially not going to village anymore... i haven't for a while, but i decided i'm going to make a habit of going to open door. that's just where i feel God is leading me right now. i'm so so happy right now... i think most of the changes i'm going through are a really good thing. but it has definitely been hard to have so many things change so drastically at once. even good change is hard... because change is hard. period.

i think your body (at least the female body) must have some sort of huge dramatic reflex to change like this, because my hormones have just been going crazy... within the last week i have had TWO huge breakdowns and have cried probably 4 or 5 times, which is just ridiculous because i honestly haven't cried in months. and it doesn't make sense because everything is okay! everything worked out for me! everything i had worried about turned out to be just great! i was just talking to justin about this, and i really don't understand why God made estrogen. honestly. it seems like the worst idea EVER, to have some sort of hormone that makes girls go absolutely crazy. i used to think it was just me, but in the last few weeks i have definitely come to the conclusion that it is not just me. its just... girls. and i'm okay with this. :)

so this is sort of a random new beginning. my last transfer turned out to be the best decision i have ever made, and its really looking like this is going to be too. this school fits me like a glove... especially in comparison to st olaf! this is exactly where i'm supposed to be right now, and even though i haven't had time to prepare myself for a new environment like i had hoped, i think that the new environment is healing me in ways i don't think that home could. my bible professor is just... amazing. justin said she's boring, but its going to be so good for me to have someone i can ask questions that were planted in me at st olaf. and the sermons at open door, the chapels, vespers... i feel like i'm being spoon fed the truth again. socially, this is a good place for me... i've met so many people that share my passions and my morals... God forbid that would have ever happened at st olaf. i didn't even meet ONE person like that. my roommate was handpicked by God, i swear. and i've already been on a date! roommate roulette... which probably doesn't count because it was an organized blind date to chuckie cheese haha, but i feel like i'm in heaven. there are SO many boys here i would let myself date! and its just nice to have people i know... my cousin, justin, amy, jesse, erica... to have lunch with, go to vespers with and fall back on if i need to... and i definitely have. and its just amazing. all of it. its the first time in my college life that i haven't been homesick.

oh wow, i have so much to say. but i just want to say that i have been blessed and even though i'm not super ecstatic and not EVERYTHING is right, everything is becoming right again. and i'm feeling more and more at peace. AND IZZE'S FIANCE JUST DIED! i could cry again! but i'll save it for my next breakdown. :)

much love! <3

another update

i am currently college-less. which is an amazing feeling... not because i don't plan to go back to school, because i do. but i feel so much freedom. i felt so trapped at st olaf... like my parents, my grandparents, society all pressured me to stay there-- at a good school where i was practically going for free. a school that would probably take me far in life, in this world... but was destroying everything i REALLY wanted my life to be. everything i really wanted to be.

right now i'm waiting to see what i can do. i really want to take a semester off and pay off my credit card bill... i'm over a thousand dollars in debt! and its really hard to pay it off when i'm a full time student, because i don't have time to work more than 10 hours a week and try to get all my homework done... :/ the problem right now is that i won't have health insurance if i don't go to school and if i do have cancer or need surgery or anything, i'm probably going to need it. i'm hoping to transfer to bethel eventually, but i really don't want to transfer halfway through the year and i'm not going back to st olaf. at the very least not next semester. so... my backup plan is to commute to the u for a semester because if i am sick, i'm pretty sure i want to live at home.

so that's my life. :)

random website

my friend paul sent me this. i thought it was funny. =)

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=58d79cd849cf735f2107e97_20061206

good luck with finals and happy xmas season!

xmas fest!

we had our third concert tonight! if any of you are at all interested in listening to it, it will be broadcast on national public radio (99.5) tomorrow (sunday) at 3:30 (live) and rebroadcast on december 22 at 8. its supposedly one of the best ones st olaf has ever had... just a good choir, good music. its good. you should listen to it. :)

so much more

i'm finding now today i'm standing here alone...
seems i've lost my way.
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.

what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way? this broken path i'm travelling.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for:
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand
i'm never alone.

there's more than we can see
there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me
its time to let go
and cling tightly to You.

rethinking what i've been
and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You
i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries
i throw them to the wind.

rethinking what i've been
undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for
cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth
is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

update

i know i didn't give too many details on everything that's going on, but its looking good i think.

i got my blood test results and they are normal, which is good.

my doctor just called me like an hour ago and told me my imaging test results. i guess i have a tumor on the right side of my thyroid that has nodules in it-- that's kind of scary to say. i'm still not sure what that means. the radiologist that looked at my "images" said that he thought it was benign. but my doctor is setting me up with an endocrine specialist just to be sure and to maybe figure out if we need to remove it since i've been having trouble swallowing.

and, worst case scenario, if i DO have it, i have a 96% chance of survival, so its probably nothing too serious.

please keep praying and thank you to all who have been. but its looking like i'll survive. :)

thanksgiving!!

i just felt like i should post something because i am told i don't post enough.

not a whole lot is going on.... well i suppose there's a whole lot going on. :) i find out if i have cancer this next week... but its surprising how not scared i am. its funny but i think that God is almost using this... even if i'm really fine... to teach me what He's been trying to teach me forever. and i'm getting it. let it go. i've spent three years trying to figure out what that meant. that seems ridiculous, but its a heart thing that's not easy to just do.

it doesn't mean giving up. it doesn't mean losing all hope. it doesn't mean you should stop thinking about what you want, dreaming about what you want. i don't know exactly how to explain it, but i feel like where i'm at is exactly where God has wanted me to be. i still want what i want. but i've realized i have no control over it. and i've realized that getting mad at God is not going to get me anywhere. i've realized that worrying... being stressed or scared... about whatever's going to happen to me is not going to add a single day to my life or really get me anything. and the BIGGEST thing God taught me is that He's not being cruel about asking me to do any of this... to give Him my life... He doesn't want to torture me and prod me until i'm a perfect zombie. He actually cares about me and my dreams. i'm trusting someone trustworthy with my life. and even if i don't understand what's going on... He's trustworthy. what He really WANTS more than anything isn't necessarily perfection, but ME.


on a completely different topic, i just have to add some of the things i am thankful for.

this year God has blessed me with a car, the best job i have ever had, a good education, a wonderful family and adorable dog, good roommates, memorable memories and just... life. its funny how much you take some things for granted until they're almost taken away and i feel like there is so much that has almost been taken away that i am so thankful to still have.

so yeah, i look forward to what God has planned for all of us and i'm grateful for what He's given me so far. happy thanksgiving, loves!

...

pray for me. i'm getting tested to see if i have thyroid cancer.

(i'm probably fine... but prayer would be wonderful.)

growing up

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young"
-John Mayer


Growing up is really scary... Its not that I never had responsibilities when I was at home, but my parents are literally shoving me completely out the door. Its crazy for me to be entirely responsible for my own meals, my laundry, buying my own shampoo. I have no one to yell at me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm staying up too late working on schoolwork... no one to help me find my things, to help me remember when I have an appointment or meeting. I am responsible to make my own appointments to get my hair cut, to go to the doctor... I am responsible for paying off my credit card bill, for my educational loans. I am responsible for paving my future and I don't have an f-ing clue what I'm doing.

I'm finding myself with so many responsibilities all at once and I'm not a responsible person at all!

So I'm finding myself being late for appointments, losing all my things, sleeping through classes because I'm up working till 2 in the morning, turning in homework late because I'm working all weekend to try to pay off my credit card bill. I'm finding myself sitting in a pile of garbage in my room, trying desperately to finish a huge assignment that was due an hour ago. Finding myself with little time to try to squeeze in a social life, finding myself on a path leading to an uncertain future... who knows if I'll ever get married? Who knows if I'll find a career that's "right" for me?

And sometimes its too much. I don't want to grow up. I don't like the fact that I'll probably only live another 60 years at the most and time is already running through my fingers. I don't like that people are changing, that I have to move out of the house, that I have to try to be mature when I still have the spirit of a 4th grader inside. That my life is changing drastically with time. Sometimes its exciting to be on this train, but I almost feel like its going too fast for me.

And then God reassures me that even though my parents don't view me as their child any longer, even though society is pushing the weight of adulthood on my shoulders, I am still HIS child and I will never grow up. And these responsibilities are really on His shoulders. I'm not really butting my way through life, I'm allowing Him to clear the path for me and He's holding my hand as we cross this crazy street we call life.


"He will love the little children, He will carry them in His arms.
Love and trust Him as a child.
Behold, your Lord comes to you."
-"Climb to the Top of the Highest Mountain" based on Isaiah 40

...

This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, I just found this picture and it makes me happy. :)

As far as life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm kind of finding myself at a crossroads. Please don't judge me when you read this... I'm really opening myself up right now because God has shown me in the last couple of days that its impossible to deal with these huge struggles alone and really find healing.

Lately, I've been feeling really sick. It might have to do with stress, not enough sleep, but I've had some really scary moments. Its also possibly psychological... I haven't had health insurance until this last year, so I've never had anyone really tell me that I'm okay. So I guess worrying about my health has always kind of been a battle for me. But now we have health insurance... St Olaf makes me, which is a blessing really. So, you'd think this wouldn't be a problem... but I'll come home and tell my parents I haven't been feeling well and my dad will tell me I'm fine and refuse to let me see a doctor. I don't know if this is a power trip sort of thing for him... I know he's mad that I don't trust him... but I don't see how he doesn't understand why. Which brings up a whole other set of issues...

Basically, I have been living in fear for years... and I honestly hadn't told a soul until last night. And God has really showed me lately that I don't really trust him and don't really believe He cares about me at all, that I'm not 100% sure that what I believe is 100% true, that I don't know for sure where I'm going when I die and for that reason am scared to death of the thought. God has also been showing me I'm living in sin and it is not something I should be taking as lightly as I have been and that I need to let go of so many dreams I have been putting way before Him. Basically, my spiritual life sucks.

It doesn't really matter if you care or not, I just really needed to tell people what's going on. I just can't keep this buried inside me anymore.

God has brought so many people to me in the last 24 hours, its seriously incredible... so I know I'm supposed to be here. My roommate last year told me that God gave her a vision that this year at St Olaf was going to be a year of healing, and God do I need it... she told me this last night and I haven't even really told her anything about anything.

I can't imagine being whole, its a crazy thought.

On a COMPLETELY lighter note I'm going to see Switchfoot tonight with a few wonderful people, and I can't even express how excited I am. They are honestly my favorite thing in the entire world. I'm a little worried though because I'm driving and my car is just a mess. Its completely dirty because I have to drive down this dirt road because of the road construction by my house, I have uncooked spagghetti all over my floor that I'm going to have to vacuum... and I have no idea how that's going to happen..., the passenger seat belt doesn't work and now my heat doesn't either lol. So it might be a little embarrassing. But I still can't wait!

so there's another completely random monthly blog. i love you all!

Things Will Change

Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are may not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be

Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.

Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.

Just let go and understand that God has a plan.
And although it's hard to see
God holds all things in His hands.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life come in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.
Things will change.

(i wrote this last summer)

so far this year...

so i realize leaving lyrics to a song isn't really a good way of letting people know what is up in my life... especially if people think its a depressing song. i'm not depressed... just going to throw that out there. and it doesn't really reflect school either. i wrote the song actually right before school started. and i was sad. that was how i felt when i wrote the song... that doesn't mean i'm sad all the time or sad in general, but that night i was really sad. a couple days before i wrote the song, i did something i probably shouldn't have done, reopening an issue i thought i had closed don't really feel that way anymore and i don't think those feelings were unnatural. but i don't know... i like the lyrics because it was so real. it was the first time in a while i had really admitted that i had pushed God to the back burner and i NEEDED Him so badly. maybe its not a song i should sing for other people? but i didn't write it to sing for other people, i wrote it for God and for me. so that's that.

as far as school, it is SOO much better this year. there are a few things that i'm still not too happy about, but i love my dorm, i love my roommates, i love my classes, i love Bible study, choir and piano lessons should be amazing this year... i don't really have to deal with drinking as much this year, because my dorm is kind of... nerdy :D (i live with mostly music majors in a quiet dorm... meaning, you can't be really loud after like midnight... which is gay in a way, but i usually go to bed at midnight anyway. and i can surround myself with whoever i want really.) my roommate from last year and i have hung out a lot since i got here, which is really cool. it's good to kind of know we're friends and not just roommates anymore... although she might as well be, considering how often she is in my room. :) and... my parents gave me a car!!!! which pretty much remedies everything, because i can leave whenever i want. i could go on... but i feel like this year will be better than last year. i still might transfer, but i at least won't be totally suffering through my time here. :)

i haven't really slept at all... i was busy all weekend and didn't really sleep... i stayed out late friday with friends from school, woke up early saturday to go to hay days in forest lake (some snowmobiling race even my grandpa announced for the last 40 years) because they dedicated the weekend to my grandpa. i hung out with my cousin until like 3, drove home, drove to st olaf and back, went to my friend's cd release concert in maple grove and then drove to buffalo to spend the rest of the night with zach, justin, amy, tim and kelly... literally, the rest of the night. i went home at 5:30. i went to bible study the next day at like 12 and eventually drove back. and i'm surprised i didn't like fall asleep while i was driving... my classes consume pretty much the rest of my week... they're really hard this semester. so i really put myself out and got really sick. that's something you could pray for i guess... i'm really tired of being sick all the time.

so that's what's going on... i've been trying to grow close to God again and i can already see everything else sort of falling in place. i'm not going to pretend st olaf isn't hard for me at all, but its bearable and its a lot easier to see God's blessings after last year. so yeah, here's another ridiculously long blog. i hope everyone is else is having fun at school or home or wherever else God has directed them to be. i love you all.