...

This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, I just found this picture and it makes me happy. :)

As far as life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm kind of finding myself at a crossroads. Please don't judge me when you read this... I'm really opening myself up right now because God has shown me in the last couple of days that its impossible to deal with these huge struggles alone and really find healing.

Lately, I've been feeling really sick. It might have to do with stress, not enough sleep, but I've had some really scary moments. Its also possibly psychological... I haven't had health insurance until this last year, so I've never had anyone really tell me that I'm okay. So I guess worrying about my health has always kind of been a battle for me. But now we have health insurance... St Olaf makes me, which is a blessing really. So, you'd think this wouldn't be a problem... but I'll come home and tell my parents I haven't been feeling well and my dad will tell me I'm fine and refuse to let me see a doctor. I don't know if this is a power trip sort of thing for him... I know he's mad that I don't trust him... but I don't see how he doesn't understand why. Which brings up a whole other set of issues...

Basically, I have been living in fear for years... and I honestly hadn't told a soul until last night. And God has really showed me lately that I don't really trust him and don't really believe He cares about me at all, that I'm not 100% sure that what I believe is 100% true, that I don't know for sure where I'm going when I die and for that reason am scared to death of the thought. God has also been showing me I'm living in sin and it is not something I should be taking as lightly as I have been and that I need to let go of so many dreams I have been putting way before Him. Basically, my spiritual life sucks.

It doesn't really matter if you care or not, I just really needed to tell people what's going on. I just can't keep this buried inside me anymore.

God has brought so many people to me in the last 24 hours, its seriously incredible... so I know I'm supposed to be here. My roommate last year told me that God gave her a vision that this year at St Olaf was going to be a year of healing, and God do I need it... she told me this last night and I haven't even really told her anything about anything.

I can't imagine being whole, its a crazy thought.

On a COMPLETELY lighter note I'm going to see Switchfoot tonight with a few wonderful people, and I can't even express how excited I am. They are honestly my favorite thing in the entire world. I'm a little worried though because I'm driving and my car is just a mess. Its completely dirty because I have to drive down this dirt road because of the road construction by my house, I have uncooked spagghetti all over my floor that I'm going to have to vacuum... and I have no idea how that's going to happen..., the passenger seat belt doesn't work and now my heat doesn't either lol. So it might be a little embarrassing. But I still can't wait!

so there's another completely random monthly blog. i love you all!

Things Will Change

Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are may not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be

Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.

Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.

Just let go and understand that God has a plan.
And although it's hard to see
God holds all things in His hands.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life come in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.
Things will change.

(i wrote this last summer)

so far this year...

so i realize leaving lyrics to a song isn't really a good way of letting people know what is up in my life... especially if people think its a depressing song. i'm not depressed... just going to throw that out there. and it doesn't really reflect school either. i wrote the song actually right before school started. and i was sad. that was how i felt when i wrote the song... that doesn't mean i'm sad all the time or sad in general, but that night i was really sad. a couple days before i wrote the song, i did something i probably shouldn't have done, reopening an issue i thought i had closed don't really feel that way anymore and i don't think those feelings were unnatural. but i don't know... i like the lyrics because it was so real. it was the first time in a while i had really admitted that i had pushed God to the back burner and i NEEDED Him so badly. maybe its not a song i should sing for other people? but i didn't write it to sing for other people, i wrote it for God and for me. so that's that.

as far as school, it is SOO much better this year. there are a few things that i'm still not too happy about, but i love my dorm, i love my roommates, i love my classes, i love Bible study, choir and piano lessons should be amazing this year... i don't really have to deal with drinking as much this year, because my dorm is kind of... nerdy :D (i live with mostly music majors in a quiet dorm... meaning, you can't be really loud after like midnight... which is gay in a way, but i usually go to bed at midnight anyway. and i can surround myself with whoever i want really.) my roommate from last year and i have hung out a lot since i got here, which is really cool. it's good to kind of know we're friends and not just roommates anymore... although she might as well be, considering how often she is in my room. :) and... my parents gave me a car!!!! which pretty much remedies everything, because i can leave whenever i want. i could go on... but i feel like this year will be better than last year. i still might transfer, but i at least won't be totally suffering through my time here. :)

i haven't really slept at all... i was busy all weekend and didn't really sleep... i stayed out late friday with friends from school, woke up early saturday to go to hay days in forest lake (some snowmobiling race even my grandpa announced for the last 40 years) because they dedicated the weekend to my grandpa. i hung out with my cousin until like 3, drove home, drove to st olaf and back, went to my friend's cd release concert in maple grove and then drove to buffalo to spend the rest of the night with zach, justin, amy, tim and kelly... literally, the rest of the night. i went home at 5:30. i went to bible study the next day at like 12 and eventually drove back. and i'm surprised i didn't like fall asleep while i was driving... my classes consume pretty much the rest of my week... they're really hard this semester. so i really put myself out and got really sick. that's something you could pray for i guess... i'm really tired of being sick all the time.

so that's what's going on... i've been trying to grow close to God again and i can already see everything else sort of falling in place. i'm not going to pretend st olaf isn't hard for me at all, but its bearable and its a lot easier to see God's blessings after last year. so yeah, here's another ridiculously long blog. i hope everyone is else is having fun at school or home or wherever else God has directed them to be. i love you all.

crying out

How long must I wait to feel You?
How long must I wait to see You
And all You promised me?

Come now into my life
And fix me.
I'm desperate for Your love.
Come fill me
Consume me.

I'm crying, I'm crying out
I am dying for You.
I need You, I need You
More than I ever knew.

How long can I live without You?
How far can I go without You
with me?

Come now and search my soul.
I'm broken.
Please come and make me whole.
I've fallen, please catch me.

I'm crying, I'm crying out.
I am dying for You.
I need You, I need You
More than I ever knew.

political views

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

i'm 20 o_O

so things have changed a lot since i last wrote and it's amazing how much God has been blessing me since i've left st olaf. not to say st olaf was absolutely TERRIBLE, but it really drained me and it actually took me until about a week ago to feel like i've come even close to where i was before. this last year has been filled with so many questions, doubts, heartache and frustration, i can't even begin to explain and that's a huge reason i didn't write too much in this blog. i hate talking about things that bother me and there was just so much... there wasn't a whole lot else to write about. but God has picked me back up again and turned me around and i'm definitely broken but... i have so much peace. it's like the feeling you have after you've run and run and run and you finally get to sit down, drink water, BREATHE. and i almost feel like i'm more where i should be now then i was before-- it's like i realized what growth is... growth isn't necessarily feeling on top of the Christian faith, like you have it all figured out: it's realizing God is in control, submitting yourself to Him. You're not supposed to be growing strong and independent- you're supposed to be growing closer to God. and i feel like i'm doing just that... i realize i'm definitely far from where i should be, but God has really been helping me come back.

it all happened in twenty-four hours, really. that's always how it happens: it's right when you've been broken the most, when you're just about to give up that God chooses to lift you up. when you can't take it anymore, when you've cried all of your tears. in short, within the last year i've had to deal with the loss of my grandpa, of what i'd grown to love and call home, my brother's drug problem growing completely out of control, frustrating classes, having basically no friends at school until basically the very end of the year, the possibility of a serious physical illness and serious questioning, doubts. i mean, it could always be worse, but it's kind of interesting that so many hard things happened in one year. i was really upset with life, really confused and i felt really alone-- i realized at the end of the year, as sad as this is, that i honestly didn't believe that God really loved me and would take me back. the circumstances weren't really making it seem that way and i was about as far from peace as you can be.

anyway, it was a relief to just be home, even though a lot of the problems hadn't still gone away... mostly because all i wanted to do all year was move home. but being home means i'm going to inevitably deal with family problems, and on top of that i had a crappy job at an egg factory :), i had to deal with drama and i almost felt further from God than i had before. i can't remember why, but on sunday night i had really had enough. i hadn't really cried much all year and on my way home from wherever i was i just let it all go. i screamed at God, i cried almost as hard as i have ever cried. and i told God i didn't want to live, but at the same time i didn't want to die-- i didn't want to die feeling like i had wasted my life. i mean, it was terrible.

the next day i felt basically as crappy as i had before. i had been asked to be in a girls' small group on monday nights, and i seriously debated going but i did. and that was the end of it. that was the answer to my prayer and i really had no idea. all of my problems weren't taken away that night, but i heard everything i needed to hear. God made Himself present to me, again, and the Bible study was basically on who i am in Christ and how i can be certain that i am secure and loved. i felt like i was being spoon fed by God, and i felt Him slowly fill me again as we read every word out loud. just to hear the truth out loud... that's what i really needed. and afterwards, we discussed basically everything i had been dealing with, every question i had been asking God and after a year of searching and asking, i got the answers i needed to hear. and i know they were from God. and the peace i needed. it all came that night.

on top of that, i basically resolved the hugest conflicts i had been dealing with that summer... one of which i wasn't even entirely aware of. but it was an amazing feeling-- to have so many problems i had been dealing with... forever... taken away in just a few hours. i hung out with amy that night and we sat on her car, stared at the stars and just talked. i had just told kelly that i had never felt at peace throughout my entire walk with God and that night i was at peace again and i've felt that way since.

the rest of my week was... not without problems at all. but i can feel God with me again and i'm realizing that's really all i need to get me through. and i'm so glad that God decided to keep me alive lol, because i had an amazing birthday on friday, despite my dread of it. during my last teenage hour i won the expanded version of settlers, which is honestly a miracle. i didn't even know i won lol, it was really sad. and i fell asleep watching a movie. rae spent the night and the next day i mostly relaxed, had lunch out with my brother, justin and rae at lee ann chins, went to valleyfair for about 5 hours, ate at perkins and came back to my house to watch memoirs of a geisha. i actually fell asleep after about 15 minutes lol. but it was such a good day. i felt so loved. i got so much more attention, so many more gifts, phone calls, messages than i expected from so many more people than i expected. and i knew it was all God's way of showing me He really loved me. God has given me so much, i am so blessed and i think it's just that much better after this last year. my problems are far from all gone, but i know God is in control of and cares about my life and i'm re-realizing what truly makes life worth living. i don't know, that's basically what God has been showing me, but it's huge. and i'm really still so young. i'm turning over a new leaf-- i'm not a teenager anymore, and i've already learned so much in such a short amount of time. this is only the beginning of an "endless story"... a life in eternity. and i can't wait. :)

comfort

i'm kind of shy about sharing my music, but lately i've just realized how much the music i've written has meant to me. there are so many songs that i know were given to me... for me, as weird as that is. promises of what God is, how He loves me. when i write out the message, the lyrics, the words, i'm preserving things i know, things i need to hear over and over, and that is honestly what got me through last night. God is amazing and He knows how to speak to us in our own ways... and its comforting He knows what the most comforting way to speak to me. He is just wonderful... and i don't know what i'd do without Him.


He Knows
(I actually wrote this about a year ago for my grandpa... and its funny but this song is probably what has been helping ME through the loss of my grandpa and everything else)

I know this seems to much for you and isn't fair
The pain you hold inside of you is hard to bear,
and sometimes it may seem the world has turned its back on you
and know one seems to care.

Well, He knows and He cares for you,
oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

Well there's someone who understands every tear
He's holding out His arms to you, so never fear
And of all the people you have ever turned to
There's only one who bears the pain with you

He knows and He cares for you,
oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

And every tear that's escaped from your eye He's cried for
He knows the pain that tears you apart
He's been there too
And He loves you

He knows and He cares for you,
Oh He cares...
He knows and He cries for you
He's been there, oh He's been there

I know this seems to much for you
And it's not fair
This burden isn't meant for you
It's His to bear


i know this makes last night sound so much worse than it was lol, but its really hard for me to be alone. and its nice to know that at least one certain someone cares about me.

Broken... (and fixed)

"Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.
So I wait for You..."

I know my title sounds like I'm going to talk about something deep... like my heart is broken or my life or something depressing like that, but actually I'm kind of speaking literally. I was trying to figure out how to make this interesting because I don't think anyone reads it anymore lol, so I decided to try to categorize all the somewhat important things that happened this week in terms of how they broke and/or how they were fixed (I know, I'm so creative...)

My computer:
So I usually leave my computer on while I'm in class... I'm not sure why... I guess because sometimes people leave me messages-- sometimes important, but usually not important. Anyway, I'd left it on for about a week straight and I was starting to wonder whether it was a good idea to be doing that. But before I had decided to maybe turn it off at night or while I was in class, it decided to turn itself off... and not back on. Which kind of freaked me out. I've been having a lot of issues with my computer since I got it (and Adam always blames himself when I say this, and I don't blame him at all) but so far I've found solutions to them and I'm just hoping that it will last until I graduate, or at least for another couple of years. But I haven't even finished the payments I'm making for this thing... I have like $500 left to pay for it. So I was like... great... I tried everything I could think of to get it to turn back on for three days and I couldn't get a hold of Adam so I had kind of last hope that I would be able to use it again... and I figured I'd probably have to pay what I owed for it off this summer and buy another one instead of getting a car this summer, because regardless of how much I want a car, a computer is a little more essential in college. BUT THEN i remembered that i have a bunch of other computer nerds that are constantly on the forum my friends at home started, and within a few hours Mitch gave me directions, which I followed AND... IT WORKED!!! I don't think my roommate has ever seen me that excited lol. But now I am sooo much more grateful for the time I have left with this thing.

My internet:
And on the same lines, the internet on my computer has not worked since the week after I got it (which is completely my fault, because I was too lazy to try to return it within the time I had a warranty on it). But Adam discovered that if I put a pen under where I plug the cable in it works. So I've been doing that pretty much all year and its been working well. And trust me, it would NOT work if I took the pen out from under it. Well today when I got back from home, I turned my computer on and started AIM, safari, itunes and then realized that I had forgotten to put the pen back under the port... but it was working! So I'm kind of considering that a miracle. But it made me really happy :D.

Concert: Well, I guess I could say the concert broke my... pride? I don't know, but I had to throw it in. I went to the Jeremy Camp/Bethany Dillon concert at Bethel College on Friday and it was soooo much more amazing than I expected it to be. I was never a huge fan of Jeremy Camp and I didn't even know who Bethany Dillon was until my friends asked me if I wanted to go. I mostly decided to go because I'm really anxious to become closer to the other Christians here and I thought it would be fun to go to A concert with them, even if the people playing weren't my favorite artists. But even though I don't care for Jeremy Camp's CDs, he gives AMAZING concerts. And Bethany Dillon's music is just beautiful. I enjoyed the music AND the people I was with, so I had a lot of fun. First, I have a lot of respect for musicians that can play their music well in front of people and not just in recording studios, which both artists were very much able to do. Jeremy was also really entertaining-- his goal between songs was usually just to be laid back and make people laugh which he and his guitarist were really good at, he had an amazing testimony and when everyone pleaded with him not to be done at the end, he was just like "okay, I guess I can do a couple worship songs"-- which weren't even HIS worship songs, just ones he happened to know. It was great... I jumped to my feet as soon as a couple other people did and we just raised our hands and praised God. I don't think I've worshipped like that since the National Youth Conference. So it was great, and I can't wait to see him at Sonshine with all my dear friends back at home ;)

My health: So I went home after the concert, which was a really good idea because I got really sick over the weekend-- I either had the flu or strep-- I'm on strep medication, regardless of what it was, but I was so glad to be home where I didn't have to get up to get anything as opposed to being at school and having to walk like a quarter of a mile just to eat. I was kind of babied lol, partially because my fever was so high I was useless, but it was nice. And I watched all three hours of the Academy Awards (which I've never done before) and watched both the first and second Lord of the Rings... so now they make a little more sense. So yeah, it wasn't a bad thing at all and I'm definitely not as sick anymore now that I'm back at school. And most of my friends weren't even home anyway, so I didn't feel bad that I was missing anything. It's never fun to be sick, but I had the best circumstances for it.

My hairdryer: On a side note, my hairdryer caught on fire. I thought it was funny. I got a new one.

My brother: This is actually more of a heart being broken thing... My brother got in trouble again for smoking pot last week, which really hurts me. I was really hoping that now that he had his license he would quit because my parents told him they WOULD NOT let him drive if they found out he was doing it. But he did it anyway... I guess I don't understand why he is willing to give up EVERYTHING for pot-- his girlfriend, most of his good friends, his license, his freedom... it's like pot is all that matters to him. I almost wish I didn't love him so much because it hurts. I know he loves me-- we spent all weekend hanging out together (when I wasn't dying)... shopping, watching movies together. I feel so close to him sometimes, but at the same time I don't see how he could really love me THAT much if he knows it hurts me to see him smoke. It's like he cares about me, but somehow this chemical is just more important than anything... than me. I don't know... I just keep praying about it because its my responsibility to look after him and love him... I'm the only one that can really do it.

Money stress: But on a happier note, I found out that I only have to pay $300 next year for college!!!!!! So now I can hopefully get a car this summer!!! yay!!

My doubts/dreams: This is getting long, so I'm going to summarize what God is spiritually doing in my life (I'm terrible... what can I say?) I've been thinking a lot about Travis and my grandpa lately... two people I cared about that died in the last few years (although I have to say I was much closer to my Grandpa than Travis). But both hugely affected me. And like looking back on all the huge things that have happened to me in the past, God's hand was very very apparently in those tragedies and in my life since them. And it's seriously ridiculous that I would ever doubt God after all of that-- after all He did for me. I haven't told my mom about any of my struggles... mostly because I'm kind of the only person in our family that is at all an encouragement to her... so when I came home she was just gushing with all the things God has been doing for her lately. You can just tell that God is completely with her right now, even though her life is extremely hard. She felt really bad for my brother Ben because it was hat day and he'd spent a whole dollar to get a sticker so he could wear a hat (they're not usually allowed to wear hats at his middle school) and they couldn't find the hat he wanted to wear. So after he left she cried and cried and prayed and God gave her a vision of where it was... and it was there. So she brought him the hat and another dollar to buy another sticker and like all his favorite food for lunch and she was just telling me "I just wanted him to know I loved him. That's all I wanted." It made me cry. I love her and it's just great to hear how much God does, too.

In terms of dreams, though, this whole questioning issue made me feel very alone, but through all of it I realized just how important God is to me. Like I am obviously fine being single, not having many friends, but I honestly can't go on without God. And so even though I'd really like to eventually get married, I've just found I care far more about following God than anything. So I've just kind of been like "here, God, take everything... I just want to be with You forever." And lately God has really been laying Russia on my heart... like I'm pretty certain that I'm going to end up doing some sort of missions work there.. I don't know if it will be long-term or just for a year or two, or maybe even just adopting Russian orphans, but I think I'm going to take Russian as my foreign language (isn't it kind of interesting they have it here...) So yeah, that's what's been going on, if you read all of this.

Conclusion: You never realize how much you appreciate something until you almost lose it.

"God is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

new experiences

new experiences i've had over the last month:

finishing an impossible puzzle with justin and amy over break
driving down the freeway while amy is puking out the window!
shopping with marlise and her asian friend (who is impossible to find!) for about 4 hours
being on a broomball league
being one of the best players on a broomball league
being one of the best players on a GOOD broomball league
friends (at st olaf, anyway lol)
having fun (at stolaf)
NOT working all friday night
upping my high score on snake to about 3500 (i know, i'm amazing)
going to church (at st olaf)
being certain that God will keep His promises and remain faithful!

thank you for your prayers! God is so faithful and He is definitely listening.

quiz

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=060109180942-10814   

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Kara Elyse Haseltine
Birthday:	June 23, 1986
Birthplace:	Duluth, MN
Current Location:	somewhere between Northfield and Corcoran, MN
Eye Color:	blue
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	mostly swedish and then just about everything else
The Shoes You Wore Today:	sketchers
Your Weakness:	i can't think of any
Your Fears:	chickens
Your Perfect Pizza:	cheese (i know, i'm boring)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	make more friends at college, i guess lol, and figure out what i want to do with my life
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:	probably my eyes
Your Bedtime:	like 4 in the morning
Your Most Missed Memory:	junior year at rockford
Pepsi or Coke:	doesn't matter
MacDonalds or Burger King:	i'm not a fan of fast food
Single or Group Dates:	both
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:	dark chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	REAL cappuccino... not the syruppy kind at the gas station
Do you Smoke:	no
Do you Swear:	no
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	no
Do you want to go to College:	no lol
Do you want to get Married:	yes
Do you belive in yourself:	what does it mean to belive in yourself?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	sometimes... when i'm spinning or when i'm doing really weird things like swinging
Do you think you are Attractive:	who doesn't?
Are you a Health Freak:	not really
Do you get along with your Parents:	kind of
Do you like Thunderstorms:	no
Do you play an Instrument:	el piano y la guitarra
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yeah... only wine on new years and christmas
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	how cold would that be right now?
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	well... music
Ever been Drunk:	yeah
Ever been called a Tease:	yeah, but it isn't true... is it?
Ever been Beaten up:	well, supposedly, in 2nd grade
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	i don't
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i haven't really decided yet, probably a journalist
What country would you most like to Visit:	well, all of them... but i'm focusing on italy right now
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	doesn't matter
Short or Long Hair:	usually longer
Height:	taller than me, but not monstrously
Weight:	skinny
Best Clothing Style:	doesn't matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	like 3
Number of CDs I own:	way more than the number i actually listen to
Number of Piercings:	2 or 4? does each ear count?
Number of Tattoos:	none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	maybe a couple things... for the most part, i'm happy with the way my life turned out
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

everything

hmm... where do i start? i haven't written on here for a long time and now a lot of the stuff i would have written about are kind of outdated...

well thanksgiving was fun lol... yes, i said some of this would be outdated... but it was probably the highlight of my month. i spent a LOT of time with amy and my dearest marlise-- and i also got a chance to see amanda norgren. wednesday we went bowling, thursday was thanksgiving and i just spent a lot of time with my family, friday we all went to adam's... i think... i can't even remember what we did before that anymore! i think we were at applebees for a while, but before that? i'm clueless. but anyway, that night was probably the most fun of the entire weekend. i think it was mostly because all of us were so exhausted we were just... drunk. yeah, we really don't need alcohol to be drunk and have fun. marlise and i got married-- jake was the friar, adam was my father lol, and amy was the candy girl (because we couldn't find any flowers for her to throw lol). it was amazing. we took a ton of pictures-- that was actually the main source of entertainment-- and jake, marlise and i did leg exercises for a while and... it was amazingly fun. you just had to be there i guess. saturday i hung out with amanda and then we all went to nick's and... it was good. i love my friends!

i had to go back to school earlier than everyone else, tho, because i had rehearsals for my school's christmas fest. i had no idea this week would be as crazy as it was. i guess that's a huge reason why a lot of people don't join choir. anyway, i sang about 20-30 hours this week i'm going to say. my voice was just about gone on sunday... our last performance... and presently i am about as exhausted as i have ever been. but it was sooo fun. SUCH an experience. i'll definitely never forget it-- and we got to be on national public radio all over the country.

friday was a very bad night for me... i don't know what i was expecting, but i didn't have to work because we had a performance, and when we came back of course everyone was completely wasted and/or got completely wasted. and sometimes i'm okay with it-- but that night i just didn't want to be around any of them. it just wasn't fun to be the only one not drinking. so i went to my room and threw things lol. and then adam (the JC downstairs) came and knocked on my door and asked me to come watch a movie in his room... he was kind of trying to discourage the choir people from drinking because of our concert the next day. so a bunch of us watched spiderman 2. well at first it was devin, charlie, adam, dave and me... and then it ended up being just dave, merry (another JC), adam and me. we all ordered pizza afterwards and stayed up talking till 3 in the morning. and adam and i kind of have a lot in common... like we're both christians, both music majors, both passionate about worship... so it was actually really fun to just talk about things.

saturday, my family came and watched me sing... which was really nice :D... and i paid $20 to eat norwegian food with them (which they served at the caf the next day for free... i don't want to talk about it). afterwards, sarah miller had a "clean" christmas party (which meant no one was drunk) and it was great. it made me happy. we just ate christmas cookies and played games-- cranium and then catchphrase. after we played the regular version for a while, we decided it would be fun to try to relate all the words to sex. so... i don't remember anyone else's lol... but a couple of mine were "if you have sex with him, he tells you afterwards "you were grrrrrrrreat!" (tony the tiger) and "this is a guy that rides a certain animal that hasn't had a blow job" (headless horseman). it was sooo funny and it entertained us for a really long time. afterwards, we watched elf in joe's room.

nothing too exciting happened sunday, so it isn't really worth mentioning, and this is way too long so no one is actually going to read this anyway lol. but yay christmas and yay having a good weekend at st olaf!

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

hehe i have too much fun with these things.

registration drama

So, I realized my advisor was right when she told me I was crazy. I have sooooo many classes I have to try to take before I graduate from college, and I know that seems a long way off, but I made a list of all of my general requirements and all the classes I need to take for each major and concentration and, bearing in mind I'm planning on studying abroad a semester and interning during an interim, I have very little margin for classes that aren't necessary.

And of course this semester, I am in the 3rd to last group to register of the entire college. I didn't realize that I needed to declare a major in order to get into the prerequisite class for the English major................ and when I emailed the chair of the English department she made it sound like she would help me get in, but when I got there she was like... well, I can put you as number 6 on a waiting list. And OF COURSE as SOON as I sit down to register for my classes, Media Studies is full. Like if I had come just like one minute earlier, I would have gotten in. So I didn't know what to do... I kind of wandered to various people and all of them basically were like, "hmm yeah you really DO need to get into these classes, but... umm... i don't really care, i'm not going to try to help you." So I'm in some stupid justice class and theater. And so I'm walking back in the cold to my dorm, feeling sorry for myself, wondering why I'm paying money to go to this stupid college that is making me take classes that aren't going to benefit me in the future at all, and I get back... and I realize I lost my cell phone. So I go downstairs to see if I left it there while I was watching the OC, come back to my room and of course my room mate locked the door... which had my keys in it. So I went to the bathroom and... cried lol... and once I got that out of my system, the door was unlocked, I went back to registration and found my cell phone, realized that other people had been screwed over a lot worse than I had, and then I went to Bible Study and it made me feel sooooo much better. The leader came and talked to me afterwards, just to kind of get to know me, and he asked if I would be interested in being on the leadership team that prays for Bible Study an hour before it starts... and he also prayed that I would make some good friends lol. I don't think it was a pity prayer, because I told him I was fine... like I DO have friends here and I do have really good friends at home that I see every weekend, but he was like, no, I think you really need to find some good Christian friends here, too-- and so he prayed that God would do that for me. :D

And then, to make things even more okay, I ran into Teagen in the hallway, who is also double majoring in English and Music and is a Junior... and she told me everything would work out all right. Like a lot of people who major in English start their majors their Sophomore or Junior year, so it won't hurt me too much... and I'll be done with my music major by first semester my junior year... So, that made me feel a lot better. :D

And that's about all I have to say about this week.

Joy and Love and Peace and All That Jazz

Can you believe it?? I had an amazing week! Swing dancing last Saturday was amazingly fun... even tho I didn't really swing dance at all :p, but I'm a huge fan of jazz music and the atmosphere was really fun. And then afterwards I watched Back to the Future for the first time ever-- and it was soooo much better than I thought it would be. I'm not a huge fan of any aspect of the 80's, so I guess I kind of assumed I would hate all 80's movies. But that movie was definitely an exception to that.

Sunday was long... but it was enjoyable I guess. We had a choral festival ALL day-- a bunch of high schools came and sang with all of the St Olaf choirs and then we had a concert at the end of the day. I think the whole thing was about 8 hours... it was exhausting... but there were about 1500 voices and it sounded really good I think. And then there was this adorable old man who has been a director at Luther for a while, and he directed a couple of our songs and he got the greatest standing ovation. He looked so happy... I fell in love with him... and it made me miss my grandpa :( All the guys here thought it was weird to use the word "cute" to describe an old man-- but if you had saw him! That was definitely the best word to describe him.

And then all this week something in me just... broke. Like in a good way. And I've just been overflowing this whole week... like dancing in my room, singing in the shower, smiling all the time kind of overflowing. Its been great. And it was definitely a God thing. There's so much more than I can share in a blog... if you want to know why I'm so happy, just ask... but it will be a long story. :D

Other than that, my week was pretty average. But just being so happy changed everything!

my personality

Jacob decided to summarize my personality for me today. Let's see if you agree:
-nice
-emo
-melodramatic
-scatterbrained
I guess one good characteristic out of four is better than no good characteristics out of four...

So this last week kind of sucked... I don't know, I was just a little emo I think, piled along with a few things that just irritated me. But anyway, I was planning on staying here (at college) for Halloween weekend because a lot of stuff was going on, but I ended up calling Lee Friday afternoon and asking him to come pick me up at the Mall of America and then buying bus tickets before I worked that night. I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving... I was such a mess that night, u have no idea. I had so many people come up to me while I was working and asking me if I was okay... up until like 2 in the morning and I'm pretty sure I hadn't cried since like 8. So I just looked like crap lol. But I watched Hitch for the first time and it was gooooooooood... I loved it! And then a few guys came and talked to me... like nice guys on my floor... and one of them bought me a pizza and split it with me! It made me happy. And this drunk guy Charlie (he's a nice guy, he was just REALLY drunk) decided he wanted to ride his bike up and down the halls at 2 in the morning, so I (being the one "in charge"... isn't that funny?) had to try to get him to put the bike back outside, grab his stuff, open the door for him, and he wanted me to tuck him in! And I was like, yah, I've had a crappy night, I think you can do that for yourself. I ended up going to bed at like 3:30, just because I couldn't sleep. And then TIM calls me at SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING and asks me where I am... and I'm like "umm.... SLEEPING!" I guess he thought I was at a choir festival that he was at... but only the guys went. But then I couldn't fall back asleep, so i ended up getting very little sleep. I'm so surprised that I was emotionally stable the next day, considering all that.

But anyway, I met Lee at Mall of America and he hung out with me the rest of the day. I don't know, we went shopping and stuff... and went to four different grocery stores to find the SPECIFIC casserole I was craving! Doesn't anyone else ever get really sick of caf food and fast food?? I just wanted something that was somewhat homemade. But we brought it to Adam's and I was pretty much the only one that ate it. I guess everyone else in the world has a mom that makes REAL casserole and so they didn't care for the frozen kind... :( But oh well, I ate it all... it didn't go to waste lol. And then more people came to Adam's and we played video games and eventually went outside for a short bonfire. A couple of the guys thought it would be fun to shoot off fireworks and Sarah and I were getting a little nervous, so we hid behind a tree together. So Lee takes one and points it right at us... and it explodes like a foot away from our heads!! So I was like ENOUGH! A group of people ended up going to Applebees and I kind of wanted to go, but Rachael and Lee didn't and I was their ride... and it was like 11 and Rachael had to be back home at 12, so I decided I was too tired to run around all over. So we ended up making pancakes, listening to my new David Crowder cds (I am absolutely in LOOOOOOOOOOVE with them now!). And then I dropped off Rachael, came back and we watched Robots. Most of us fell asleep when it was on... but I fell asleep after like 15 minutes. It was pathetic.

Sunday morning I was on my way to church, and Sarah called me and asked me to tell everyone to come to the youth group event that night. And I was like, "Why can't you?" And I guess her parents took away her car, so I went and picked her up and we ended up being a half an hour late for church. But I really didn't care. After church, I went to the mall and bought new pajamas, went home and put my laundry in and slept ALL afternoon. I'm not even exaggerating. I woke up when my family came home from Wisconsin at 6:30, folded my laundry and then my dad drove me back to college. I was a little nervous, because my dad isn't the nicest person in the world to me, but we had a really good conversation. And he told me that he'd dropped out of the U of M after his first quarter... which I'd never known. And if he could have gone back he would have stayed, altho he's glad he ended up going to Bethel because he met my mom. But it was the first time I think that I've had a conversation with him where he hasn't talked down to me. Now that I'm in college, it seems like my parents are becoming more and more like friends than authorities... now that I'm "grown up"... And it was nice that he could empathize with me on that level... like disliking college.

In all, this weekend wasn't the greatest, but it made me feel better about the rest of the week. So it was good. :D

concert

so... umm.. yah.. i'm not sure how to add pictures and i'd really like to! so if anyone could help me with that, that would be great. because i think the pictures on people's blogs are half the fun-- and its no fun to have a profile and no pic. :(

otherwise, life is great. i have the GREATEST friends. i absolutely LOVE them.

i wish there was more to say about college... but i really don't do anything THAT interesting. i've been spending more time in joe's room, which is apparently also andy, mica and thor's room now. and........ i watch baseball games and watch them play video games. so i've done more interesting things. :D but they're fun people. u wouldn't think this, but friday nights are actually probably the most interesting nights i have. somehow, i ended up having to work friday nights 9-2am at the front desk of my hall. but usually i have a lot of people stop and talk to me for a while and we're not SUPPOSED to watch movies on our laptops... but i do. nobody really cares that much, at least as far as i know... but if all else fails, it is REALLY amusing to watch drunk people. most of my stories i've found people don't think are as funny as i thought they were... i guess u have to be there. but i don't know, people make me laugh.

anyway, yesterday i went home to see the chris tomlin concert with my best friends in the world. i've been trying to get people together to go to it for weeks. and it turned out SO much better than i expected it to. 14 people ended up going... and our seats weren't bad at all, even tho we weren't super close. and then a handful of people ended up going down to the front, anyway, just standing in the aisles. but chris tomlin has such a heart for God and wonderful music, and the combination of him, matt redman and louie giglio!!... it was amazing!! afterwards we went to perkins, and ended up at adam's house to watch minority report. GOOD MOVIE, but i was exhausted. i ended up going to bed at like 4 and then we went to church the next morning. so its the second night in a row i've stayed up till 4/430-ish. but i'm not really feeling tired.. i'm good. it was worth it, anyway.

this last week

well, i've decided this last week was probably one of the most dramatic weeks of my life-- sooo much happened, its crazy. i learned so much about life, about God, about myself, about EVERYTHING. i could probably write a novel about the last week, but i'll try to summarize it into a reasonable-sized blog entry:

i left school on wednesday to go to wisconsin because my grandpa died on monday--- which really sucked for a variety of reasons, but i think if any of u have ever had someone u love die (i know a lot of people who are reading this have) then u probably understand a little what i went through. but i started this week having a terrible time just feeling miserable and homesick, questioning everything i ever believed and on top of it all instead of comforting each other my family just RIPPED each other apart all week. ahhhh it was SOOO bad. and i wasn't super close to my extended family, but of all them i was probably closest to my grandpa and one of my cousins who is about my age. and my grandma decided she wanted EVERYONE to stay in her house, which is pretty big, but not really big enough to contain like 20 people. so it was a little awkward at first, but the few days we were all there really drew a lot of us closer than we've ever been. basically, the wake was hard but the funeral made everything so much better. my contribution was an arrangement of somewhere over the rainbow i had written that i sang with my cousin while my brother played the guitar. and u wouldn't think this, but just hearing the pastor reassure everyone that my grandpa was okay just made everything okay. and i guess my family has this thing--- everytime someone dies they see a deer, which is really weird i think. but on the way back from the cemetary, there was a deer walking on the side of the road and people were pulling over and petting it! and it just kept walking as if it didn't have a care in the world in to the world. and THAT i guess was the sign i needed that he was okay. and everything would be okay.

soooo... i haven't gotten to any of the good stuff yet! lol--- after the funeral i stayed up till 3 in the morning talking to my drunk (who claimed to be just TIPSY) cousin (he was drunk) about sex. it was great! he's been married for about a year and he told us EVERYTHING. and it wasn't just like, "oh don't do it... blablabla..." he went in DEPTH. i mean, it wasn't sick or anything, but it was as informative of a sex talk i have ever had... probably because he had lost all discernment with his intoxication, but basically he told me what guys think about EVERYTHING. and all i can say is, wow.

i came home the next day (saturday) and watched the godfather with jesse and justin at adam's house. and then i went to kelly johnson's for a hayride/bonfire which was really fun! amy and i had a good talk about things and justin just killed me because he tackled me so many times. and then we went to perkins and that was fun. sunday i went to church, hung out with justin, amy, sarah and my brother and we just went shopping and ate at justin's. i decided to go to youth group that night, which was kind of awkward, but i had a really good talk with sarah and then i had an amazing talk with lee. like i got so much off of my chest that i've been bottling up for like 2 years. and i felt so much better about everything after that night.

monday i hung out with amanda norgren-- we are one person, we decided-- sisters-- and we figured out EVERYTHING in our lives together. it was just crazy. i haven't had so many good conversations in such a short time before. i hate how i'm just skimming the surface, but there's no way i could tell u everything i was dealing with in this little blog. i've already written enough. but i have never been happier than i am now after this weekend! i just love my friends!!! and i'm completely confident everything will be okay now. :D

First Post

This is just my first post. I am actually leaving for Wisconsin in ten minutes and need to pack, so I'm not sure why exactly I decided to start this blog right now...... but I will tell u all more stories later, when life has settled down a little. I'll be back to my beautiful Corcoran/ Rockford home on Friday! And I'll be around until Tuesday night... so hopefully I will be able to make it to the homecoming game, but who knows where life will take me in the next few days. I'll post more later, tho.