i'm 20 o_O

so things have changed a lot since i last wrote and it's amazing how much God has been blessing me since i've left st olaf. not to say st olaf was absolutely TERRIBLE, but it really drained me and it actually took me until about a week ago to feel like i've come even close to where i was before. this last year has been filled with so many questions, doubts, heartache and frustration, i can't even begin to explain and that's a huge reason i didn't write too much in this blog. i hate talking about things that bother me and there was just so much... there wasn't a whole lot else to write about. but God has picked me back up again and turned me around and i'm definitely broken but... i have so much peace. it's like the feeling you have after you've run and run and run and you finally get to sit down, drink water, BREATHE. and i almost feel like i'm more where i should be now then i was before-- it's like i realized what growth is... growth isn't necessarily feeling on top of the Christian faith, like you have it all figured out: it's realizing God is in control, submitting yourself to Him. You're not supposed to be growing strong and independent- you're supposed to be growing closer to God. and i feel like i'm doing just that... i realize i'm definitely far from where i should be, but God has really been helping me come back.

it all happened in twenty-four hours, really. that's always how it happens: it's right when you've been broken the most, when you're just about to give up that God chooses to lift you up. when you can't take it anymore, when you've cried all of your tears. in short, within the last year i've had to deal with the loss of my grandpa, of what i'd grown to love and call home, my brother's drug problem growing completely out of control, frustrating classes, having basically no friends at school until basically the very end of the year, the possibility of a serious physical illness and serious questioning, doubts. i mean, it could always be worse, but it's kind of interesting that so many hard things happened in one year. i was really upset with life, really confused and i felt really alone-- i realized at the end of the year, as sad as this is, that i honestly didn't believe that God really loved me and would take me back. the circumstances weren't really making it seem that way and i was about as far from peace as you can be.

anyway, it was a relief to just be home, even though a lot of the problems hadn't still gone away... mostly because all i wanted to do all year was move home. but being home means i'm going to inevitably deal with family problems, and on top of that i had a crappy job at an egg factory :), i had to deal with drama and i almost felt further from God than i had before. i can't remember why, but on sunday night i had really had enough. i hadn't really cried much all year and on my way home from wherever i was i just let it all go. i screamed at God, i cried almost as hard as i have ever cried. and i told God i didn't want to live, but at the same time i didn't want to die-- i didn't want to die feeling like i had wasted my life. i mean, it was terrible.

the next day i felt basically as crappy as i had before. i had been asked to be in a girls' small group on monday nights, and i seriously debated going but i did. and that was the end of it. that was the answer to my prayer and i really had no idea. all of my problems weren't taken away that night, but i heard everything i needed to hear. God made Himself present to me, again, and the Bible study was basically on who i am in Christ and how i can be certain that i am secure and loved. i felt like i was being spoon fed by God, and i felt Him slowly fill me again as we read every word out loud. just to hear the truth out loud... that's what i really needed. and afterwards, we discussed basically everything i had been dealing with, every question i had been asking God and after a year of searching and asking, i got the answers i needed to hear. and i know they were from God. and the peace i needed. it all came that night.

on top of that, i basically resolved the hugest conflicts i had been dealing with that summer... one of which i wasn't even entirely aware of. but it was an amazing feeling-- to have so many problems i had been dealing with... forever... taken away in just a few hours. i hung out with amy that night and we sat on her car, stared at the stars and just talked. i had just told kelly that i had never felt at peace throughout my entire walk with God and that night i was at peace again and i've felt that way since.

the rest of my week was... not without problems at all. but i can feel God with me again and i'm realizing that's really all i need to get me through. and i'm so glad that God decided to keep me alive lol, because i had an amazing birthday on friday, despite my dread of it. during my last teenage hour i won the expanded version of settlers, which is honestly a miracle. i didn't even know i won lol, it was really sad. and i fell asleep watching a movie. rae spent the night and the next day i mostly relaxed, had lunch out with my brother, justin and rae at lee ann chins, went to valleyfair for about 5 hours, ate at perkins and came back to my house to watch memoirs of a geisha. i actually fell asleep after about 15 minutes lol. but it was such a good day. i felt so loved. i got so much more attention, so many more gifts, phone calls, messages than i expected from so many more people than i expected. and i knew it was all God's way of showing me He really loved me. God has given me so much, i am so blessed and i think it's just that much better after this last year. my problems are far from all gone, but i know God is in control of and cares about my life and i'm re-realizing what truly makes life worth living. i don't know, that's basically what God has been showing me, but it's huge. and i'm really still so young. i'm turning over a new leaf-- i'm not a teenager anymore, and i've already learned so much in such a short amount of time. this is only the beginning of an "endless story"... a life in eternity. and i can't wait. :)