Broken... (and fixed)

"Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.
So I wait for You..."

I know my title sounds like I'm going to talk about something deep... like my heart is broken or my life or something depressing like that, but actually I'm kind of speaking literally. I was trying to figure out how to make this interesting because I don't think anyone reads it anymore lol, so I decided to try to categorize all the somewhat important things that happened this week in terms of how they broke and/or how they were fixed (I know, I'm so creative...)

My computer:
So I usually leave my computer on while I'm in class... I'm not sure why... I guess because sometimes people leave me messages-- sometimes important, but usually not important. Anyway, I'd left it on for about a week straight and I was starting to wonder whether it was a good idea to be doing that. But before I had decided to maybe turn it off at night or while I was in class, it decided to turn itself off... and not back on. Which kind of freaked me out. I've been having a lot of issues with my computer since I got it (and Adam always blames himself when I say this, and I don't blame him at all) but so far I've found solutions to them and I'm just hoping that it will last until I graduate, or at least for another couple of years. But I haven't even finished the payments I'm making for this thing... I have like $500 left to pay for it. So I was like... great... I tried everything I could think of to get it to turn back on for three days and I couldn't get a hold of Adam so I had kind of last hope that I would be able to use it again... and I figured I'd probably have to pay what I owed for it off this summer and buy another one instead of getting a car this summer, because regardless of how much I want a car, a computer is a little more essential in college. BUT THEN i remembered that i have a bunch of other computer nerds that are constantly on the forum my friends at home started, and within a few hours Mitch gave me directions, which I followed AND... IT WORKED!!! I don't think my roommate has ever seen me that excited lol. But now I am sooo much more grateful for the time I have left with this thing.

My internet:
And on the same lines, the internet on my computer has not worked since the week after I got it (which is completely my fault, because I was too lazy to try to return it within the time I had a warranty on it). But Adam discovered that if I put a pen under where I plug the cable in it works. So I've been doing that pretty much all year and its been working well. And trust me, it would NOT work if I took the pen out from under it. Well today when I got back from home, I turned my computer on and started AIM, safari, itunes and then realized that I had forgotten to put the pen back under the port... but it was working! So I'm kind of considering that a miracle. But it made me really happy :D.

Concert: Well, I guess I could say the concert broke my... pride? I don't know, but I had to throw it in. I went to the Jeremy Camp/Bethany Dillon concert at Bethel College on Friday and it was soooo much more amazing than I expected it to be. I was never a huge fan of Jeremy Camp and I didn't even know who Bethany Dillon was until my friends asked me if I wanted to go. I mostly decided to go because I'm really anxious to become closer to the other Christians here and I thought it would be fun to go to A concert with them, even if the people playing weren't my favorite artists. But even though I don't care for Jeremy Camp's CDs, he gives AMAZING concerts. And Bethany Dillon's music is just beautiful. I enjoyed the music AND the people I was with, so I had a lot of fun. First, I have a lot of respect for musicians that can play their music well in front of people and not just in recording studios, which both artists were very much able to do. Jeremy was also really entertaining-- his goal between songs was usually just to be laid back and make people laugh which he and his guitarist were really good at, he had an amazing testimony and when everyone pleaded with him not to be done at the end, he was just like "okay, I guess I can do a couple worship songs"-- which weren't even HIS worship songs, just ones he happened to know. It was great... I jumped to my feet as soon as a couple other people did and we just raised our hands and praised God. I don't think I've worshipped like that since the National Youth Conference. So it was great, and I can't wait to see him at Sonshine with all my dear friends back at home ;)

My health: So I went home after the concert, which was a really good idea because I got really sick over the weekend-- I either had the flu or strep-- I'm on strep medication, regardless of what it was, but I was so glad to be home where I didn't have to get up to get anything as opposed to being at school and having to walk like a quarter of a mile just to eat. I was kind of babied lol, partially because my fever was so high I was useless, but it was nice. And I watched all three hours of the Academy Awards (which I've never done before) and watched both the first and second Lord of the Rings... so now they make a little more sense. So yeah, it wasn't a bad thing at all and I'm definitely not as sick anymore now that I'm back at school. And most of my friends weren't even home anyway, so I didn't feel bad that I was missing anything. It's never fun to be sick, but I had the best circumstances for it.

My hairdryer: On a side note, my hairdryer caught on fire. I thought it was funny. I got a new one.

My brother: This is actually more of a heart being broken thing... My brother got in trouble again for smoking pot last week, which really hurts me. I was really hoping that now that he had his license he would quit because my parents told him they WOULD NOT let him drive if they found out he was doing it. But he did it anyway... I guess I don't understand why he is willing to give up EVERYTHING for pot-- his girlfriend, most of his good friends, his license, his freedom... it's like pot is all that matters to him. I almost wish I didn't love him so much because it hurts. I know he loves me-- we spent all weekend hanging out together (when I wasn't dying)... shopping, watching movies together. I feel so close to him sometimes, but at the same time I don't see how he could really love me THAT much if he knows it hurts me to see him smoke. It's like he cares about me, but somehow this chemical is just more important than anything... than me. I don't know... I just keep praying about it because its my responsibility to look after him and love him... I'm the only one that can really do it.

Money stress: But on a happier note, I found out that I only have to pay $300 next year for college!!!!!! So now I can hopefully get a car this summer!!! yay!!

My doubts/dreams: This is getting long, so I'm going to summarize what God is spiritually doing in my life (I'm terrible... what can I say?) I've been thinking a lot about Travis and my grandpa lately... two people I cared about that died in the last few years (although I have to say I was much closer to my Grandpa than Travis). But both hugely affected me. And like looking back on all the huge things that have happened to me in the past, God's hand was very very apparently in those tragedies and in my life since them. And it's seriously ridiculous that I would ever doubt God after all of that-- after all He did for me. I haven't told my mom about any of my struggles... mostly because I'm kind of the only person in our family that is at all an encouragement to her... so when I came home she was just gushing with all the things God has been doing for her lately. You can just tell that God is completely with her right now, even though her life is extremely hard. She felt really bad for my brother Ben because it was hat day and he'd spent a whole dollar to get a sticker so he could wear a hat (they're not usually allowed to wear hats at his middle school) and they couldn't find the hat he wanted to wear. So after he left she cried and cried and prayed and God gave her a vision of where it was... and it was there. So she brought him the hat and another dollar to buy another sticker and like all his favorite food for lunch and she was just telling me "I just wanted him to know I loved him. That's all I wanted." It made me cry. I love her and it's just great to hear how much God does, too.

In terms of dreams, though, this whole questioning issue made me feel very alone, but through all of it I realized just how important God is to me. Like I am obviously fine being single, not having many friends, but I honestly can't go on without God. And so even though I'd really like to eventually get married, I've just found I care far more about following God than anything. So I've just kind of been like "here, God, take everything... I just want to be with You forever." And lately God has really been laying Russia on my heart... like I'm pretty certain that I'm going to end up doing some sort of missions work there.. I don't know if it will be long-term or just for a year or two, or maybe even just adopting Russian orphans, but I think I'm going to take Russian as my foreign language (isn't it kind of interesting they have it here...) So yeah, that's what's been going on, if you read all of this.

Conclusion: You never realize how much you appreciate something until you almost lose it.

"God is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18