my beautiful letdown

i was just playing one of my songs to allie-- probably the most depressing song i've ever written, actually. but it's something both of us can relate to. right now life isn't perfect, but i'm definitely out of my rut, and for the first time i can kind of put my experiences in perspective and see what God has taught me through it.

the last two years were two of the hardest years of my life-- when all my worst fears were brought to life and it was so painful and lonely and confusing. i can't even begin to describe just how painful st olaf was for me-- moving away from home was hard and it didn't help that my dad was more than anxious for me to leave. i was far away from everything i knew and it was kind of scary-- and then my grandpa died. and i really think that's what messed everything up because i totally withdrew... and you just can't do that your freshman year of college. everything i had rooted myself in came totally crashing down-- i thought God was on my side and suddenly i had lost the one person in my family i knew was always there for me and it just didn't make sense.

i've never had much of a family, i was too far away to have close, healthy relationships with my old friends and wasn't really making new friends. everything about st olaf was screaming at me to give up my faith-- 95% of the students and faculty at st olaf are just so far from the truth and i had a hard time finding people that were staying strong in their faith. and a lot of the people i did find either ended up slipping into the lifestyle of the majority of the people at st olaf or decided they wanted nothing to do with me for some reason. my sophomore year i was faced with the possibility of cancer and the fragility of my own life. and then the people i had gone to church with from home were reprimanding me for any doubts i had about my faith and where i was. i honestly don't think things could have been more unbearable.

and i felt so guilty that i was so miserable. i mean, christians are supposed to be joyful, right? i was so un-joyful that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me and it didn't feel like God even wanted to have anything to do with me after a while because He felt so distant. and somehow, i got through and i'm back to the beginning. somehow i never let go. i have no idea where that strength came from, because pretty much every aspect of my life was tearing me apart from every direction. i guess as distant from God as i felt, He was always there holding me up, because somehow i'm still standing. the best song to describe that part of my life, i think, is You Alone by david crowder. i remember singing that in selah, often literally alone because no one i knew would go with me and singing "i will worship You alone." i'm sure that's not exactly what the author of the song meant but that's what it meant to me-- and that's really the epitome of what st olaf taught me-- that my faith wasn't grounded in the people around me, but Him. He is the reason i'm where i am-- the only possible way i could be where i am today.

until now, i look at that part of my life with bitterness and try to distance myself from it, because that is me broken. i was more broken at st olaf than i ever thought i could be. but that's right where God wanted me, and although i felt like a mess of a person, that really was a beautiful season in my life because it brought me SO close to God and i know that i will never let go.

this is one of the songs i wrote at st olaf when i was probably the most miserable... a song i was embarrassed to sing to people at the time, but i think a song that was definitely brought to me from God, if even just for me and not for me to perform:

so much more

i'm finding now today, i'm standing here alone
seems i've lost my way
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.
what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away, day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way--
this broken path i'm travelling?

rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive, helps me understand
i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, it's time to let go
and cling tightly to You.

rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You: i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries: i throw them to the wind.

rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.