school

so i'm skipping class to try to maintain some of my sanity-- i really hate college. i guess that's kind of a generalization, because when i use the word college i could be talking about life in general right now, about school, about my dorm... and this time i mean that i hate school. and i guess i'm not a huge fan of college in general, although bethel is pretty great for the most part. k i'm going to elaborate instead of rambling...

in high school i was an A-/B+ student-- i got almost all A's and B's and i think one C. i'm not a straight-a student, and i'm not going to say i'm a genius, but it was mostly because school was never a top priority for me. but for some reason, in college school kind of pushes its way to the top of your list of priorities. and my problem right now is that i just can't do it. it just can't mean that much to me and it never will. i can give up some nights with my friends, i can give up the amount of income i make (to an extent) for school events, etc. i can give up some sleep, some meals, some time. but there's a line. when i'm pulling 4 all-nighters in a week, i really don't think that's okay. when i get migraines almost every night because i'm not sleeping and i'm having to skip at least one meal every day, that's not okay. when i'm not able to have dinner with my friend for his birthday without failing a test, that's not okay. and when i don't have time to fellowship and i'm too exhausted to go to church on sundays and fall asleep when i pray at night, that's REALLY not okay. and the funny thing is, i'm giving in and letting school have control over all these areas in my life, and i'm STILL turning assignments in late and failing tests. i mean, i'm doing well, but i'm not doing THAT well and with all the time i'm putting into it, you would think i would be. i really just don't have enough time for anything.

and now i'm going to lead a Bible study. and so many people have told me that its stupid because i have so much going on in my life and i already can't keep up with schoolwork. you know what-- f school work. that's not a very christian to say, but i feel like in college everyone begins to miss the point. its really no surprise that so many people start losing their faith in college, because even at Bethel where God is encouraged to be the focus of your life and there isn't as much of a drinking problem or anything like that, you really don't have time to focus on anything else. God wants you to be still and know that He is God-- and Bethel is probably the craziest my life has ever been and i don't have ANY time to do be still. and now is when i need Him more than ever-- now when everything in my life is changing and i don't live at home, i make my own decisions and He's the only person i have left to depend on.

when i'm breathing my last breath and i finally see Jesus face to face, what really matters most? school matters but it just doesn't matter that much and i'm tired of having to give it everything or fail. its frustrating and annoying. my hope is built on nothing less-- not society or education or money. i can give it a part of my life and strive to work to my potential and be all i was made to be, but i cannot do that without Him and if i have to choose, i choose Him.