growing up

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young"
-John Mayer


Growing up is really scary... Its not that I never had responsibilities when I was at home, but my parents are literally shoving me completely out the door. Its crazy for me to be entirely responsible for my own meals, my laundry, buying my own shampoo. I have no one to yell at me when I'm being ridiculous, when I'm staying up too late working on schoolwork... no one to help me find my things, to help me remember when I have an appointment or meeting. I am responsible to make my own appointments to get my hair cut, to go to the doctor... I am responsible for paying off my credit card bill, for my educational loans. I am responsible for paving my future and I don't have an f-ing clue what I'm doing.

I'm finding myself with so many responsibilities all at once and I'm not a responsible person at all!

So I'm finding myself being late for appointments, losing all my things, sleeping through classes because I'm up working till 2 in the morning, turning in homework late because I'm working all weekend to try to pay off my credit card bill. I'm finding myself sitting in a pile of garbage in my room, trying desperately to finish a huge assignment that was due an hour ago. Finding myself with little time to try to squeeze in a social life, finding myself on a path leading to an uncertain future... who knows if I'll ever get married? Who knows if I'll find a career that's "right" for me?

And sometimes its too much. I don't want to grow up. I don't like the fact that I'll probably only live another 60 years at the most and time is already running through my fingers. I don't like that people are changing, that I have to move out of the house, that I have to try to be mature when I still have the spirit of a 4th grader inside. That my life is changing drastically with time. Sometimes its exciting to be on this train, but I almost feel like its going too fast for me.

And then God reassures me that even though my parents don't view me as their child any longer, even though society is pushing the weight of adulthood on my shoulders, I am still HIS child and I will never grow up. And these responsibilities are really on His shoulders. I'm not really butting my way through life, I'm allowing Him to clear the path for me and He's holding my hand as we cross this crazy street we call life.


"He will love the little children, He will carry them in His arms.
Love and trust Him as a child.
Behold, your Lord comes to you."
-"Climb to the Top of the Highest Mountain" based on Isaiah 40