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This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, I just found this picture and it makes me happy. :)

As far as life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm kind of finding myself at a crossroads. Please don't judge me when you read this... I'm really opening myself up right now because God has shown me in the last couple of days that its impossible to deal with these huge struggles alone and really find healing.

Lately, I've been feeling really sick. It might have to do with stress, not enough sleep, but I've had some really scary moments. Its also possibly psychological... I haven't had health insurance until this last year, so I've never had anyone really tell me that I'm okay. So I guess worrying about my health has always kind of been a battle for me. But now we have health insurance... St Olaf makes me, which is a blessing really. So, you'd think this wouldn't be a problem... but I'll come home and tell my parents I haven't been feeling well and my dad will tell me I'm fine and refuse to let me see a doctor. I don't know if this is a power trip sort of thing for him... I know he's mad that I don't trust him... but I don't see how he doesn't understand why. Which brings up a whole other set of issues...

Basically, I have been living in fear for years... and I honestly hadn't told a soul until last night. And God has really showed me lately that I don't really trust him and don't really believe He cares about me at all, that I'm not 100% sure that what I believe is 100% true, that I don't know for sure where I'm going when I die and for that reason am scared to death of the thought. God has also been showing me I'm living in sin and it is not something I should be taking as lightly as I have been and that I need to let go of so many dreams I have been putting way before Him. Basically, my spiritual life sucks.

It doesn't really matter if you care or not, I just really needed to tell people what's going on. I just can't keep this buried inside me anymore.

God has brought so many people to me in the last 24 hours, its seriously incredible... so I know I'm supposed to be here. My roommate last year told me that God gave her a vision that this year at St Olaf was going to be a year of healing, and God do I need it... she told me this last night and I haven't even really told her anything about anything.

I can't imagine being whole, its a crazy thought.

On a COMPLETELY lighter note I'm going to see Switchfoot tonight with a few wonderful people, and I can't even express how excited I am. They are honestly my favorite thing in the entire world. I'm a little worried though because I'm driving and my car is just a mess. Its completely dirty because I have to drive down this dirt road because of the road construction by my house, I have uncooked spagghetti all over my floor that I'm going to have to vacuum... and I have no idea how that's going to happen..., the passenger seat belt doesn't work and now my heat doesn't either lol. So it might be a little embarrassing. But I still can't wait!

so there's another completely random monthly blog. i love you all!