baby these things don't come often
and i don't know why
i let you slip by.
maybe i couldn't believe
the things that i feel
could be real.
but i failed to realize
you're the best thing i've had in my life.
i wish i could go back in time
now that i see
you're the one for me.
if you would give me a chance
this time i would choose
to be with you.
maybe i'm just stuck in the past
and maybe this time it still won't last.
but how can we say it's not right
if we always give up and never try.
and i know several years from now
i don't want to have any doubt
you're the love of my life.
and i'd go back in time
now that i see
you're the one for me.
if you would give me a chance
this time i would choose
to be with you.
and we can't always run away
when things don't come easily
even when nothing makes sense.
and we may never know
what things will come and go
but i can't give you up again.
i wish i could go back in time
now that i see
you're the one for me.
if you would give me a chance
this time i would choose
to be with you.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, December 19, 2009
revolutionary
you are one among
7 billion people
who wake up each day
and things are always the same.
you may go through the motions
wondering if life
will ever be anything other than mundane.
but you were made to be so much more than that
it's not too late to rethink where you are at.
who are you to say
that things will never change?
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be
ordinary-- we're revolutionary.
because among
7 billion people
there are some who wake up each day
to find things are the same:
some have no food or shoes
or water to survive
and some find very little love in their lives.
and you can think there's not much you can do.
but what if everyone else thinks the same thing too?
who are you to say
that things will never change?
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be ordinary--
we're revolutionary.
and you may think we're radical
and life will always be miserable
but there is always hope.
and every gift
and every smile
and every bit of kindness will
always help show
exactly what love is.
so everyone can know.
and we can say
that we know things can change.
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be ordinary--
we're revolutionary.
7 billion people
who wake up each day
and things are always the same.
you may go through the motions
wondering if life
will ever be anything other than mundane.
but you were made to be so much more than that
it's not too late to rethink where you are at.
who are you to say
that things will never change?
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be
ordinary-- we're revolutionary.
because among
7 billion people
there are some who wake up each day
to find things are the same:
some have no food or shoes
or water to survive
and some find very little love in their lives.
and you can think there's not much you can do.
but what if everyone else thinks the same thing too?
who are you to say
that things will never change?
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be ordinary--
we're revolutionary.
and you may think we're radical
and life will always be miserable
but there is always hope.
and every gift
and every smile
and every bit of kindness will
always help show
exactly what love is.
so everyone can know.
and we can say
that we know things can change.
we'll find a way to make
the world a better place.
follow your dreams and see
that we were never meant to be ordinary--
we're revolutionary.
Monday, December 07, 2009
i've heard people say
they'll never give their hearts away
afraid that they will break
afraid love will run away
and maybe it is true
it's always safe to hold on tightly to
but awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
nothing in life is safe
to live at all is a dangerous choice to make
but there's so much more to life
don't let it pass you by.
you have so much to give
just let it go and live.
awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
it's safe to say that life's not safe
we are fragile souls that break and break
but don't close your eyes there's so much left to see
look inside and see who you were meant to be.
awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
they'll never give their hearts away
afraid that they will break
afraid love will run away
and maybe it is true
it's always safe to hold on tightly to
but awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
nothing in life is safe
to live at all is a dangerous choice to make
but there's so much more to life
don't let it pass you by.
you have so much to give
just let it go and live.
awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
it's safe to say that life's not safe
we are fragile souls that break and break
but don't close your eyes there's so much left to see
look inside and see who you were meant to be.
awake your heart and sing
cause there's beauty in everything
and even when it hurts inside
it's better to be alive
cause every part of life's made of love.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
starting again
baby cries, opens his eyes today.
the world he finds is already passing by.
and each new day he quickly changes.
learns to read,
goes to prom,
marries young,
has a son.
and each new year
he wonders how it's already here.
there's no telling if or when
there's a chance to start again
and please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away.
so live each day with no regrets
because today is all we'll ever get
and time flies fast
and you can't relive your past.
there's no telling if or when
there's a chance to start again.
and please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away
can we change?
open up your hands
and give
up all your plans
just live.
cause we can always choose
which path we want to go.
there's nothing left to lose
so...
there's a chance to start again
but please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away
but we can change
today.
the world he finds is already passing by.
and each new day he quickly changes.
learns to read,
goes to prom,
marries young,
has a son.
and each new year
he wonders how it's already here.
there's no telling if or when
there's a chance to start again
and please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away.
so live each day with no regrets
because today is all we'll ever get
and time flies fast
and you can't relive your past.
there's no telling if or when
there's a chance to start again.
and please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away
can we change?
open up your hands
and give
up all your plans
just live.
cause we can always choose
which path we want to go.
there's nothing left to lose
so...
there's a chance to start again
but please don't tell me how
we should have lived yesterday now.
day by day
life slips away
but we can change
today.
Monday, August 24, 2009
new song
eagles wings
staring down the future
empty handed without a friend in sight
clinging tightly to my dreams
desperate for a promise that someday i might
find what i'm searching for
completely blind to what He has in store.
but there's no reason to worry
because He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles' wings.
and i've found that there's a reason
for everything that's happened in my life
so why should i let it cross my mind
that everything would not turn out all right
and what i'm searching for
was planned out before i was even born.
so there's no reason to worry
because He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles wings.
because a loving father wouldn't give
a pebble to a child that needs bread to live
and how much more can we
expect to see from a God who loves us unconditionally?
and He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles wings.
staring down the future
empty handed without a friend in sight
clinging tightly to my dreams
desperate for a promise that someday i might
find what i'm searching for
completely blind to what He has in store.
but there's no reason to worry
because He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles' wings.
and i've found that there's a reason
for everything that's happened in my life
so why should i let it cross my mind
that everything would not turn out all right
and what i'm searching for
was planned out before i was even born.
so there's no reason to worry
because He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles wings.
because a loving father wouldn't give
a pebble to a child that needs bread to live
and how much more can we
expect to see from a God who loves us unconditionally?
and He carefully
dresses each lily
and cares much more for me.
and all i need He'll bring
in His perfect timing
and while i wait i'll soar on eagles wings.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
summa summa
favorite quotes of fourth of july weekend so far:
"covah yo babays!"
-amy during the fireworks/billowing smoke
speaker at church: ... and we celebrated its 233rd birthday yesterday...
nate: whose birthday was yesterday?
me: nate, think about it.
nate: no seriously, whose birthday was it yesterday?
me: are you serious?
nate: who? who? oh...
-------
this summer has been very interesting so far. there really hasn't been any huge events or anything, but i've actually really enjoyed it so far-- when i was sure i would not. i'm pretty sure i said this in my last post, but my summer philosophy was that i needed a break. i have worked so unbelievably hard this last year and i just couldn't get myself to find a second job, or take summer school, or to plan out these huge adventures. part of me wanted to-- the driven personality-- but my body and soul were like no way. i haven't been able to sleep, relax, read, watch movies, go to church, hang out with friends, lay out in the sun, etc. for the last year. i could probably extend that to include the last 3 years, but the last year was definitely the most brutal. and i decided i just needed all of that. there was a lot i could have packed into my life this summer, i just chose not to. and that's a scary thing for me, because i hate to be alone. i always need something to do. and on top of it my friends are being plucked out of my life one by one and i knew there would be almost no one around this summer.
and somehow this summer has been awesome. if i really had a say in life, i probably would not have chosen to be here. but i've decided to let go of being a control freak for once and try to find the silver lining in everything.
silver lining #1: i've been able to spend a lot of time with my siblings. granted they have been drunk, immature, and infuriating, have bickered, stolen my clothes and i have ended up spending a lot of money on them. i'm saying this as my brother and sister are fighting in the other room and slamming doors. haha. but overall, its nice to get to know them. and they're at an age where we can actually go out and do things that i enjoy doing. and have adult conversations.
silver lining #2: even though a lot of my friends are gone, there are some pretty fun people who are still here. and even though the "group" is no longer a group and our "social gatherings" now usually consist of 2-4 people, i have had fun playing scrabble, drinking until we fall over, exploring minnesota, swimming and tanning, being taken out for dinner, watching fireworks. so far so good. and there's still a whole lot of summer left. 2/3 or 1/2... depending on how drunk we are. (joke.)
silver lining #3: jury duty. i'm looking forward to it. it probably won't be as cool as law and order, but you never know! and hopefully i'll get out of work and paid a lot of money.
silver lining #4: i actually for once in my life had a good birthday. the weather was probably the best it has been all summer--- very warm and sunny. we went to the beach, played frisbee, and tanned. then we went to eat pizza at little caesar's-- which i've never tried before. we played mini golf and then went back to my place and barbecued and watched "taken." drama was minimal. it was all better than i expected.
silver lining #5: we found an apartment in a short amount of time. and i really like it. i'm moving there in less than a month. so it will be nice to be in the cities again.
i could keep going and i know there were other things i was thinking of, but i think that's enough for one blog. while i would not have dreamed my summer would be this way, i am actually enjoying the little things. and its nice not to be overwhelmed and emotional, and i'm just going to continue to steer away from things that will make me that way. that's the plan.
much love,
Kara
"covah yo babays!"
-amy during the fireworks/billowing smoke
speaker at church: ... and we celebrated its 233rd birthday yesterday...
nate: whose birthday was yesterday?
me: nate, think about it.
nate: no seriously, whose birthday was it yesterday?
me: are you serious?
nate: who? who? oh...
-------
this summer has been very interesting so far. there really hasn't been any huge events or anything, but i've actually really enjoyed it so far-- when i was sure i would not. i'm pretty sure i said this in my last post, but my summer philosophy was that i needed a break. i have worked so unbelievably hard this last year and i just couldn't get myself to find a second job, or take summer school, or to plan out these huge adventures. part of me wanted to-- the driven personality-- but my body and soul were like no way. i haven't been able to sleep, relax, read, watch movies, go to church, hang out with friends, lay out in the sun, etc. for the last year. i could probably extend that to include the last 3 years, but the last year was definitely the most brutal. and i decided i just needed all of that. there was a lot i could have packed into my life this summer, i just chose not to. and that's a scary thing for me, because i hate to be alone. i always need something to do. and on top of it my friends are being plucked out of my life one by one and i knew there would be almost no one around this summer.
and somehow this summer has been awesome. if i really had a say in life, i probably would not have chosen to be here. but i've decided to let go of being a control freak for once and try to find the silver lining in everything.
silver lining #1: i've been able to spend a lot of time with my siblings. granted they have been drunk, immature, and infuriating, have bickered, stolen my clothes and i have ended up spending a lot of money on them. i'm saying this as my brother and sister are fighting in the other room and slamming doors. haha. but overall, its nice to get to know them. and they're at an age where we can actually go out and do things that i enjoy doing. and have adult conversations.
silver lining #2: even though a lot of my friends are gone, there are some pretty fun people who are still here. and even though the "group" is no longer a group and our "social gatherings" now usually consist of 2-4 people, i have had fun playing scrabble, drinking until we fall over, exploring minnesota, swimming and tanning, being taken out for dinner, watching fireworks. so far so good. and there's still a whole lot of summer left. 2/3 or 1/2... depending on how drunk we are. (joke.)
silver lining #3: jury duty. i'm looking forward to it. it probably won't be as cool as law and order, but you never know! and hopefully i'll get out of work and paid a lot of money.
silver lining #4: i actually for once in my life had a good birthday. the weather was probably the best it has been all summer--- very warm and sunny. we went to the beach, played frisbee, and tanned. then we went to eat pizza at little caesar's-- which i've never tried before. we played mini golf and then went back to my place and barbecued and watched "taken." drama was minimal. it was all better than i expected.
silver lining #5: we found an apartment in a short amount of time. and i really like it. i'm moving there in less than a month. so it will be nice to be in the cities again.
i could keep going and i know there were other things i was thinking of, but i think that's enough for one blog. while i would not have dreamed my summer would be this way, i am actually enjoying the little things. and its nice not to be overwhelmed and emotional, and i'm just going to continue to steer away from things that will make me that way. that's the plan.
much love,
Kara
Monday, June 08, 2009
so its been a while...
i am a horrible blogger and i'm sorry for anyone that read my blogs in the past. my last blog was in march and it was song lyrics... and i'm pretty sure the last few before that were song lyrics or bible verses, so not really anything interesting. i like the idea of blogging, but its one of those thing... like reading. i like the idea of reading, but usually when i want to start reading a book i'm not really in the mood. this is actually not the case recently (i've been reading a lot) and i decided maybe this won't be the case anymore with blogging. so here's another blog!
i don't really think my life is so exciting, but i'll give you an update anyway. i have one semester of bethel left! woo hoo. and i'm scared to death, because i have no idea what i want to do from there and if i even chose the right major. is it funny i'm still thinking about that when i'm so close to being done? :) the nice thing about being a business major is that it opens the doors to a lot of things-- besides the obvious. currently, i'm working at the "obvious" business, though: wells fargo. which is a "good" job, but it has ruined all my ambitions about everything i thought i wanted to do. i just know i don't want to do THAT. i feel like big businesses, in general, tend to hurt people more than they help them. maybe this is my pessimistic outlook, and maybe its because anyone with problems is likely to talk to me first, but its really disheartening to have so many people call you because they were taken advantage of by people within wells fargo. its hard to be proud of your company or even proud of your job. and its even more hard to feel like you are expected to try to take advantage of people while you fix their problems. its a vicious cycle and i'm not sure i blame wells fargo, necessarily, but big business. if something is built on greed, there has to be someone getting hurt in all of that. so thank you, democrat friends and wells fargo, you have made me rethink my entire life and i'm stuck in an early mid life crisis already. oh well, i'm sure the economy will turn around and i can go to grad school for something else.
what else? there really is nothing else, to be honest lol. like i said before, i've been reading a lot lately. and i've been watching a lot of movies. favorite movies: dark knight, slumdog millionaire. love them. its hard to say i have a favorite book because i don't read enough, but i recently read marley and me, sarah's key, angels and demons, this present darkness and... yes... the twilight series. and i'm sorry, but i enjoyed all of them, despite what i first thought about any of them. and i definitely was anti-twilight because people are so obsessed and the synopsis seemed silly... but its well written. i recommend it.
because of my crazy school/work schedule during the summer, i decided i deserved a well-needed summer BREAK. which is why i don't have a whole lot to say. i'm going to try to start getting involved in things like 20-somethings at open door and i've made a few trips to the cities, etc. to visit friends. but its actually really nice to not HAVE to do anything for once. i think i'm going to have to find a happy medium the rest of my life-- because i hate being so lazy, but at the same time i can't be so busy or i will: A) get an ulcer/have a heart attack/have a stroke, B) go off the deep end, C) have nervous breakdowns on a daily basis, D) have no social life whatsoever, or E) all of the above. so that's my goal after i graduate. we'll see how life goes when i have more control over it. :)
well cheers, i'll try to write more, especially now that i have time.
<3 Kara
i don't really think my life is so exciting, but i'll give you an update anyway. i have one semester of bethel left! woo hoo. and i'm scared to death, because i have no idea what i want to do from there and if i even chose the right major. is it funny i'm still thinking about that when i'm so close to being done? :) the nice thing about being a business major is that it opens the doors to a lot of things-- besides the obvious. currently, i'm working at the "obvious" business, though: wells fargo. which is a "good" job, but it has ruined all my ambitions about everything i thought i wanted to do. i just know i don't want to do THAT. i feel like big businesses, in general, tend to hurt people more than they help them. maybe this is my pessimistic outlook, and maybe its because anyone with problems is likely to talk to me first, but its really disheartening to have so many people call you because they were taken advantage of by people within wells fargo. its hard to be proud of your company or even proud of your job. and its even more hard to feel like you are expected to try to take advantage of people while you fix their problems. its a vicious cycle and i'm not sure i blame wells fargo, necessarily, but big business. if something is built on greed, there has to be someone getting hurt in all of that. so thank you, democrat friends and wells fargo, you have made me rethink my entire life and i'm stuck in an early mid life crisis already. oh well, i'm sure the economy will turn around and i can go to grad school for something else.
what else? there really is nothing else, to be honest lol. like i said before, i've been reading a lot lately. and i've been watching a lot of movies. favorite movies: dark knight, slumdog millionaire. love them. its hard to say i have a favorite book because i don't read enough, but i recently read marley and me, sarah's key, angels and demons, this present darkness and... yes... the twilight series. and i'm sorry, but i enjoyed all of them, despite what i first thought about any of them. and i definitely was anti-twilight because people are so obsessed and the synopsis seemed silly... but its well written. i recommend it.
because of my crazy school/work schedule during the summer, i decided i deserved a well-needed summer BREAK. which is why i don't have a whole lot to say. i'm going to try to start getting involved in things like 20-somethings at open door and i've made a few trips to the cities, etc. to visit friends. but its actually really nice to not HAVE to do anything for once. i think i'm going to have to find a happy medium the rest of my life-- because i hate being so lazy, but at the same time i can't be so busy or i will: A) get an ulcer/have a heart attack/have a stroke, B) go off the deep end, C) have nervous breakdowns on a daily basis, D) have no social life whatsoever, or E) all of the above. so that's my goal after i graduate. we'll see how life goes when i have more control over it. :)
well cheers, i'll try to write more, especially now that i have time.
<3 Kara
Friday, March 13, 2009
new song: "questions and answers"
a hundred thousand times i seem to fall
with no one near to hear my call.
and with each new difficult circumstance
sometimes life stops making sense.
and often its so easy just to turn to You
and blame You for the pain You brought me through.
but who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made
the love You gave
and all the lives You saved
how could i ask You why?
who am i?
its too easy to forget just how great You are
especially when You feel so far:
in the beginning You created life
with just three words: "let there be light."
and even as a human baby, You had kings
fall before Your feet with offerings.
who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made
the love You gave
and all the lives You saved,
how could i
ask You why?
who am i...
...to question the maker of all things
and everything each day He brings?
because He defined what love is
and shows us every day exactly what it means.
who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made,
the love You gave,
and all the lives You saved:
how could i ask You why?
who am i?
... moral of new song: i feel like its easy to blame God for our problems. but if you really think about it, He has given us everything we know. we take way too much for granted.
with no one near to hear my call.
and with each new difficult circumstance
sometimes life stops making sense.
and often its so easy just to turn to You
and blame You for the pain You brought me through.
but who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made
the love You gave
and all the lives You saved
how could i ask You why?
who am i?
its too easy to forget just how great You are
especially when You feel so far:
in the beginning You created life
with just three words: "let there be light."
and even as a human baby, You had kings
fall before Your feet with offerings.
who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made
the love You gave
and all the lives You saved,
how could i
ask You why?
who am i...
...to question the maker of all things
and everything each day He brings?
because He defined what love is
and shows us every day exactly what it means.
who am i
to ask You why
the universe spins and circles 'round the sky?
for the world You made,
the love You gave,
and all the lives You saved:
how could i ask You why?
who am i?
... moral of new song: i feel like its easy to blame God for our problems. but if you really think about it, He has given us everything we know. we take way too much for granted.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
with you
you drift away
and feel there's nothing you can do
and every day
you feel even further from the truth
if you look past your shame
you'll find that there is always hope
and no matter what you have to face
you will never be alone.
I am with you
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
and somedays
when it feels like you're too far
its okay, i love you right where you are.
My love's impossible to lose
wherever you may go, whatever you might do.
and remember while things will change
I will always be the same.
I'll be with you
no matter where you are
I'll be there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
you can't hide
you can't run away
i am always by your side
i am here to stay...
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
and feel there's nothing you can do
and every day
you feel even further from the truth
if you look past your shame
you'll find that there is always hope
and no matter what you have to face
you will never be alone.
I am with you
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
and somedays
when it feels like you're too far
its okay, i love you right where you are.
My love's impossible to lose
wherever you may go, whatever you might do.
and remember while things will change
I will always be the same.
I'll be with you
no matter where you are
I'll be there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
you can't hide
you can't run away
i am always by your side
i am here to stay...
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing
that can tear you
away from My love.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
if You want me to
"the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why You brought me here.
but just because You love me the way that You do
i am going to walk the valley if You want me to.
cause i'm not who i was when i took my first steps
and i'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet.
so if all of these trials bring me closer to You
and i will go through the fire if you want me to.
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when You lead me through a world that's not my home.
but You never said it would be easy
You only said i'd never go alone.
so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear You answer my cries for help,
i remember the suffering You're love put You through.
and i'll go through the valley if You want me to."
just a few things running through my head lately.. not that i'm necessarily suffering or discontent. i've had worse things happen, and while not everything in my life is necessarily going EXACTLY the way i would have liked it to go, i'm not really unhappy. there are so many blessings: my new job/career, my trip to europe this january, etc. but i guess the reason that song goes through my head is that i'm beginning to realize how little i have control over. i mean, i planned out my life, i planned out all my dreams. i wanted to be married right after college, have kids at age 27. i wanted to be a singer, i wanted to be friends with the same people forever. and the thing is, most of those things aren't working out the way i thought they would. and things aren't really bad-- just different.
and just looking back, i would have never in a million years thought i'd be in the place i am today. i could never have planned it out.. all the twists and turns my life has taken me. and i can't tell you how glad i am that i wasn't homeschooled for the rest of my life-- that kind of goes without saying. i'm also glad that i ended up graduating from rockford, even though i don't regret having gone to buffalo. i'm so glad i'm at bethel now, but i think that it was beneficial to go to st olaf. i mean, there are so many people i would have never known, so many experiences i would have never gone through, learned from. i am not who i was when i took my first steps-- i don't look the same, i don't think the same way, i don't believe the same things. i have grown-- i'm an adult.. how weird is that. and i wouldn't be at all the same person if i hadn't gone through all those things. but if i had seen my life, had known what was going to happen, i would not have chosen it. i would have chosen my picture perfect dreams, but would that have been best? i'm glad i went through all those things, that i'm not necessarily in control of my life, because its brought me to bigger better things than anything i would have pictured 10 years ago.
and, don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm sad that i'm not married, that i haven't grown up being friends with the same people since kindergarten, i have no idea who will end up being in my wedding-- bridesmaids and groom. i mean, friends come and go and it hurts. life will bring me to a path that i'm not necessarily thrilled to go down-- like my cancer scare? fun? not so much. but its not necessarily bad. its just not always what i thought i wanted.
basically, i don't even know what i really want-- even when i think i do-- let alone what i really need. so it just makes sense to let the person who knew me yesterday, today, tomorrow, who knows me inside and outside and knows everything about the rest of the world and all it will bring, control my life. who would have thought i'd be a business major? i never would have dreamed that would make me happy. and here i am. i know nothing about anything. so its time to just let go. stop running towards the past and just live in the uncertainty of todays. embrace the new friendships, new jobs, all the situations i'm in now and let go of things that are beyond my control. this world isn't even my home-- i'm being led through. just let go and understand God has a plan.
so yeah, deep stuff. but life can be deep.
and i don't know the reason why You brought me here.
but just because You love me the way that You do
i am going to walk the valley if You want me to.
cause i'm not who i was when i took my first steps
and i'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet.
so if all of these trials bring me closer to You
and i will go through the fire if you want me to.
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when You lead me through a world that's not my home.
but You never said it would be easy
You only said i'd never go alone.
so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear You answer my cries for help,
i remember the suffering You're love put You through.
and i'll go through the valley if You want me to."
just a few things running through my head lately.. not that i'm necessarily suffering or discontent. i've had worse things happen, and while not everything in my life is necessarily going EXACTLY the way i would have liked it to go, i'm not really unhappy. there are so many blessings: my new job/career, my trip to europe this january, etc. but i guess the reason that song goes through my head is that i'm beginning to realize how little i have control over. i mean, i planned out my life, i planned out all my dreams. i wanted to be married right after college, have kids at age 27. i wanted to be a singer, i wanted to be friends with the same people forever. and the thing is, most of those things aren't working out the way i thought they would. and things aren't really bad-- just different.
and just looking back, i would have never in a million years thought i'd be in the place i am today. i could never have planned it out.. all the twists and turns my life has taken me. and i can't tell you how glad i am that i wasn't homeschooled for the rest of my life-- that kind of goes without saying. i'm also glad that i ended up graduating from rockford, even though i don't regret having gone to buffalo. i'm so glad i'm at bethel now, but i think that it was beneficial to go to st olaf. i mean, there are so many people i would have never known, so many experiences i would have never gone through, learned from. i am not who i was when i took my first steps-- i don't look the same, i don't think the same way, i don't believe the same things. i have grown-- i'm an adult.. how weird is that. and i wouldn't be at all the same person if i hadn't gone through all those things. but if i had seen my life, had known what was going to happen, i would not have chosen it. i would have chosen my picture perfect dreams, but would that have been best? i'm glad i went through all those things, that i'm not necessarily in control of my life, because its brought me to bigger better things than anything i would have pictured 10 years ago.
and, don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm sad that i'm not married, that i haven't grown up being friends with the same people since kindergarten, i have no idea who will end up being in my wedding-- bridesmaids and groom. i mean, friends come and go and it hurts. life will bring me to a path that i'm not necessarily thrilled to go down-- like my cancer scare? fun? not so much. but its not necessarily bad. its just not always what i thought i wanted.
basically, i don't even know what i really want-- even when i think i do-- let alone what i really need. so it just makes sense to let the person who knew me yesterday, today, tomorrow, who knows me inside and outside and knows everything about the rest of the world and all it will bring, control my life. who would have thought i'd be a business major? i never would have dreamed that would make me happy. and here i am. i know nothing about anything. so its time to just let go. stop running towards the past and just live in the uncertainty of todays. embrace the new friendships, new jobs, all the situations i'm in now and let go of things that are beyond my control. this world isn't even my home-- i'm being led through. just let go and understand God has a plan.
so yeah, deep stuff. but life can be deep.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
hope
as the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
my soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
when can i go and meet with God?
my tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
these things i remember as i pour out my soul:
how i used to go with the multitude leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy an thanksgiving among the festive throng.
why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for i will yet praise Him,
my and Savior and my God.
my soul is downcast within me;
therefore i will remember You from the land of jordan, the heights of hermon-- from mount mizar.
deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
by day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me--
a prayer to the God of my life.
i say to God my rock,
"Why have You forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
my bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long,
"Where is Your God?"
why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him: my Savior and my God.
so my soul pants for you, O God.
my soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
when can i go and meet with God?
my tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
these things i remember as i pour out my soul:
how i used to go with the multitude leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy an thanksgiving among the festive throng.
why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for i will yet praise Him,
my and Savior and my God.
my soul is downcast within me;
therefore i will remember You from the land of jordan, the heights of hermon-- from mount mizar.
deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
by day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me--
a prayer to the God of my life.
i say to God my rock,
"Why have You forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
my bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long,
"Where is Your God?"
why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him: my Savior and my God.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
value
what happened to loving people as people?
i don't know where this idea came from-- is it just wishful thinking, is it something i dreamed up? because i have hardly experienced it-- but i feel deep inside that people should be loved just for being people. not for how attractive they are, not for their personalities, not for what they do for you, how happy they make you.. but for being people. for being created by God. in a society that caters to a person's every whim, that tells people that they deserve to have everything they want, that encourages greed, gluttony, selfishness-- the american dream-- it is no surprise that we are beginning to treat each other as commodities.
today, we pick and choose who we include in our lives based on intelligence, attractiveness, popularity, personality, and whether that person makes you happy. people that do not fall into these categories are discarded. old people, once they have lost their value, are discarded into nursing homes. children with disabilities are also often placed into homes, if they have not been given away or aborted. even children with the potential to be healthy, beautiful blessings are killed before they even enter the world-- because it is inconvenient. the divorce rate is higher than ever-- wives, as they grow older, are cast off for younger, more attractive women.. and if your husband no longer makes you happy the way they used to make you happy, they are cut out.
the problem is nobody is perfect-- and no one will ever meet everyone's standards their entire lives. even the most beautiful model will eventually age and become less attractive. athletes will eventually lose their abilities. even the most famous movie stars will eventually become old news. people will make mistakes, lose their money. people will piss you off, fail you. everyone. no one is perfect.
and even if leaving your wife, putting your parents in a nursing home, aborting your baby seems harmless, when will it end? if we start killing our babies (abortion), will we start killing our old people (assisted suicide), our disabled people, our children? when is a person a person? where do we draw the line? do we really think our country's values are vastly different from the nazis values? its an easy path to travel and i think we are at least STARTING to walk down it...
when will we learn to love each other, not for what they do for you, but for who they are.. for being a creation of God? no one should have to sit at a lunch table alone, watch their husband pack up and leave, be literally thrown in a garbage can to die. in our society, we only purchase things that are good enough for us, that are worth the money. we tell ourselves that everyone is valuable, and yet we really believe deep down that people have price tags. sure, you are valuable, but so-and-so is worth $100, while so-and-so is worth $40. wait a few years, and there will probably be a price cut. better yet, while my wife appears to be worth a lot, i'm going to get a warranty just to be sure-- you can get a full refund, no strings attached if you're married in europe.
but the truth is everyone is equally valuable.. and everyone should be treated this way. we are not luxuries, not necessities, not things-- we are all so much more.
i'm tired of being compared, comparing. i'm tired of trying to determine how i stack up next to this person, and whether or not this person is in my league. i'm tired of watching people fall apart because they were never shown what love really is-- not by their parents, not by their friends, not by their spouses, not by their children. i don't want to be caught up in this battle and i wish i could save those who have been wounded in it.
let's learn to love now-- old and young, ugly and attractive, rich and poor. let's try to love ALL the people that God put in our lives.. the children we conceive, the homeless men we encounter on our commutes to work, mexicans, african-americans, homosexuals, the annoying neighbor girl that rings your doorbell every day, your crazy grandma, your obnoxious little brother, the crabby, stingy, middle-aged women that stiffs you at work, your husband who has lost his job, your friend who has let you down. everyone. can you imagine how different the world would be?
i don't know where this idea came from-- is it just wishful thinking, is it something i dreamed up? because i have hardly experienced it-- but i feel deep inside that people should be loved just for being people. not for how attractive they are, not for their personalities, not for what they do for you, how happy they make you.. but for being people. for being created by God. in a society that caters to a person's every whim, that tells people that they deserve to have everything they want, that encourages greed, gluttony, selfishness-- the american dream-- it is no surprise that we are beginning to treat each other as commodities.
today, we pick and choose who we include in our lives based on intelligence, attractiveness, popularity, personality, and whether that person makes you happy. people that do not fall into these categories are discarded. old people, once they have lost their value, are discarded into nursing homes. children with disabilities are also often placed into homes, if they have not been given away or aborted. even children with the potential to be healthy, beautiful blessings are killed before they even enter the world-- because it is inconvenient. the divorce rate is higher than ever-- wives, as they grow older, are cast off for younger, more attractive women.. and if your husband no longer makes you happy the way they used to make you happy, they are cut out.
the problem is nobody is perfect-- and no one will ever meet everyone's standards their entire lives. even the most beautiful model will eventually age and become less attractive. athletes will eventually lose their abilities. even the most famous movie stars will eventually become old news. people will make mistakes, lose their money. people will piss you off, fail you. everyone. no one is perfect.
and even if leaving your wife, putting your parents in a nursing home, aborting your baby seems harmless, when will it end? if we start killing our babies (abortion), will we start killing our old people (assisted suicide), our disabled people, our children? when is a person a person? where do we draw the line? do we really think our country's values are vastly different from the nazis values? its an easy path to travel and i think we are at least STARTING to walk down it...
when will we learn to love each other, not for what they do for you, but for who they are.. for being a creation of God? no one should have to sit at a lunch table alone, watch their husband pack up and leave, be literally thrown in a garbage can to die. in our society, we only purchase things that are good enough for us, that are worth the money. we tell ourselves that everyone is valuable, and yet we really believe deep down that people have price tags. sure, you are valuable, but so-and-so is worth $100, while so-and-so is worth $40. wait a few years, and there will probably be a price cut. better yet, while my wife appears to be worth a lot, i'm going to get a warranty just to be sure-- you can get a full refund, no strings attached if you're married in europe.
but the truth is everyone is equally valuable.. and everyone should be treated this way. we are not luxuries, not necessities, not things-- we are all so much more.
i'm tired of being compared, comparing. i'm tired of trying to determine how i stack up next to this person, and whether or not this person is in my league. i'm tired of watching people fall apart because they were never shown what love really is-- not by their parents, not by their friends, not by their spouses, not by their children. i don't want to be caught up in this battle and i wish i could save those who have been wounded in it.
let's learn to love now-- old and young, ugly and attractive, rich and poor. let's try to love ALL the people that God put in our lives.. the children we conceive, the homeless men we encounter on our commutes to work, mexicans, african-americans, homosexuals, the annoying neighbor girl that rings your doorbell every day, your crazy grandma, your obnoxious little brother, the crabby, stingy, middle-aged women that stiffs you at work, your husband who has lost his job, your friend who has let you down. everyone. can you imagine how different the world would be?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
life
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let us down probably will.
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing so fast,
And you'll eventually lose somebody you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt...
Because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
-unknown
You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing so fast,
And you'll eventually lose somebody you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt...
Because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
-unknown
Thursday, June 26, 2008
love is blind
i'm not sure why God made us to be this way-- it seems as if when you really fall for someone, every little imperfection disappears. its been so long since i've really really liked someone that i almost can't remember, but i'm writing based on what i see in other people i know. this can probably be a very good thing-- if there are only minor little things that prevent you from being with this person, it helps you look past them. it can also be a very bad thing. for instance, this person may be physically or verbally abusive and you aren't able to see it right away because you are "in love." on a lesser scale, this person may be the worst person for you and everyone around you sees it, but you don't. and eventually this will hurt you.
i just see so many relationships or half relationships where people are getting screwed over. and there have been so many instances where i am made the bad guy in a situation because the other person is "perfect." because they are in love.
now this is me being a little bitter, but do i really have to be with someone to have them on my side?
and do i have to be supportive of a relationship because they are in love, when practically, i don't think that they are good for each other in the long run?
i just see so many relationships or half relationships where people are getting screwed over. and there have been so many instances where i am made the bad guy in a situation because the other person is "perfect." because they are in love.
now this is me being a little bitter, but do i really have to be with someone to have them on my side?
and do i have to be supportive of a relationship because they are in love, when practically, i don't think that they are good for each other in the long run?
Saturday, June 21, 2008
new and improved blog.
SURPRISE! i'm writing another blog. i know its been forever... and there's a reason for that, actually. i had kind of gotten to the point where i was tired of my blog. i just felt like i never had anything significant to say, and that i was kind of using my blog as a journal where i just revealed my feelings, what was going on in my life, etc. and i was tired of it. i felt like i just said the same things over and over again. lately, however, there have been a lot of issues that i've been wrestling with that i have had a hard time voicing, and i realized that my blog would be the perfect place to wrestle with those things. so here is my new blog entry, and hopefully the beginning of a significant change in my blog. so be prepared. and i really hope that people will respond... and not just cute little comments, although i always appreciate those, too. :)
to be continued...
to be continued...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
new blog
for my "music and worship" class i'm supposed to write a journal about my thoughts on music and worship as they progress through the semester. he told us he wanted us to type it... and i was like ugh i'm not going to fill out a notebook and THEN type it. so i decided to write a blog. AND i would LOVE if people could contribute to the discussion... just say what you think. i think that would score me a few brownie points ha. and its also something i'm passionate about, so there will definitely be a lot to talk about.
love you all! here's the link:
http://worshipandmusic-whatisworship.blogspot.com/
love you all! here's the link:
http://worshipandmusic-whatisworship.blogspot.com/
Saturday, January 26, 2008
i am with you
i am with you
you drift away
and feel there's nothing you can do
and every day
you feel even further from the truth.
if you look past your shame
you'll find that there is always hope
and no matter what you have to face
you will never be alone.
I am with you
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from My love.
and some days
if it feels like you're too far
it's okay,
I love you right where you are.
My love's impossible to lose
wherever you may go
whatever you might do.
and remember while things will change
I will always be the same.
I'll be with you
no matter where you are
I'll be there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from my love.
you can't hide
you can't run away
I am always by your side
I am here to stay...
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from My love.
you drift away
and feel there's nothing you can do
and every day
you feel even further from the truth.
if you look past your shame
you'll find that there is always hope
and no matter what you have to face
you will never be alone.
I am with you
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from My love.
and some days
if it feels like you're too far
it's okay,
I love you right where you are.
My love's impossible to lose
wherever you may go
whatever you might do.
and remember while things will change
I will always be the same.
I'll be with you
no matter where you are
I'll be there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from my love.
you can't hide
you can't run away
I am always by your side
I am here to stay...
no matter where you are
I am there too
the truth is there is nothing that can tear you
away from My love.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
a new way to be human
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
i don't know how to post anything but pictures on here, otherwise i would try to post this. it's AMAZING. follow the link and watch it and then read the rest of this, because it has everything to do with everything right now...
this week i am just fighting. its like every demon i've ever had to fight is ganging up on me and i feel like that girl in the video that is just clawing her way to Jesus.
the sermon on sunday was so applicable to everything it was just amazing. and even more applicable as this week continues to unfold. dave johnson talked about struggling, and how it is impossible to defeat anything-- any kind of sin, any kind of battle-- if you have no hope. and sometimes its easy to lose hope when the same weeds just keep regrowing and regrowing, but Jesus came to life as a human for a reason-- to show that it is possible. to show that you can overcome sin, you can overcome pain. he experienced it all as a human so that we could know that we, as humans, can really be like Him. we're not trying to be superman, this is actually something we can overcome.
i've had a hard week. i mean, its finals, but there's so much more than that. my dad didn't get his job. my brother's having a really hard time with his ex. my self esteem is rock bottom. i just can't let go and forgive anyone. and now i feel like i've lost a friend. and its hard to not feel alone, like God isn't really listening.
but i had the most amazing revelation today. its so easy to blame God for your problems. why would He let things like that happen-- and not just to me- to my family, my friends, to my co-worker who watched her brother shoot someone in the face and now is legally forced to testify against her brother at his murder trial, to my cousin who hasn't seen his wife or children for 2 years? i mean, its not like i dwell on all of this all the time, but sometimes its hard to not wonder why He lets it happen because it just sucks.
and for the first time i realized that when God has control and plans our future for us, He isn't looking down and saying "oh don't worry about it. i know the future, everything is fine, suck it up." He is crying with you because He hates when you are hurting. Jesus wept, even when He knew He was going to resurrect lazarus. He cares so much. its one of those things you think you know, but then you realize you don't really believe it.
i'm sure things will be fine in a week, in a month, in a year. tomorrow ha. but i thought maybe it would be comforting for one of you to just read and remember this because it changed everything for me today. Jesus is human and He knows and He cares and He cries for you.
i don't know how to post anything but pictures on here, otherwise i would try to post this. it's AMAZING. follow the link and watch it and then read the rest of this, because it has everything to do with everything right now...
this week i am just fighting. its like every demon i've ever had to fight is ganging up on me and i feel like that girl in the video that is just clawing her way to Jesus.
the sermon on sunday was so applicable to everything it was just amazing. and even more applicable as this week continues to unfold. dave johnson talked about struggling, and how it is impossible to defeat anything-- any kind of sin, any kind of battle-- if you have no hope. and sometimes its easy to lose hope when the same weeds just keep regrowing and regrowing, but Jesus came to life as a human for a reason-- to show that it is possible. to show that you can overcome sin, you can overcome pain. he experienced it all as a human so that we could know that we, as humans, can really be like Him. we're not trying to be superman, this is actually something we can overcome.
i've had a hard week. i mean, its finals, but there's so much more than that. my dad didn't get his job. my brother's having a really hard time with his ex. my self esteem is rock bottom. i just can't let go and forgive anyone. and now i feel like i've lost a friend. and its hard to not feel alone, like God isn't really listening.
but i had the most amazing revelation today. its so easy to blame God for your problems. why would He let things like that happen-- and not just to me- to my family, my friends, to my co-worker who watched her brother shoot someone in the face and now is legally forced to testify against her brother at his murder trial, to my cousin who hasn't seen his wife or children for 2 years? i mean, its not like i dwell on all of this all the time, but sometimes its hard to not wonder why He lets it happen because it just sucks.
and for the first time i realized that when God has control and plans our future for us, He isn't looking down and saying "oh don't worry about it. i know the future, everything is fine, suck it up." He is crying with you because He hates when you are hurting. Jesus wept, even when He knew He was going to resurrect lazarus. He cares so much. its one of those things you think you know, but then you realize you don't really believe it.
i'm sure things will be fine in a week, in a month, in a year. tomorrow ha. but i thought maybe it would be comforting for one of you to just read and remember this because it changed everything for me today. Jesus is human and He knows and He cares and He cries for you.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
my beautiful letdown
i was just playing one of my songs to allie-- probably the most depressing song i've ever written, actually. but it's something both of us can relate to. right now life isn't perfect, but i'm definitely out of my rut, and for the first time i can kind of put my experiences in perspective and see what God has taught me through it.
the last two years were two of the hardest years of my life-- when all my worst fears were brought to life and it was so painful and lonely and confusing. i can't even begin to describe just how painful st olaf was for me-- moving away from home was hard and it didn't help that my dad was more than anxious for me to leave. i was far away from everything i knew and it was kind of scary-- and then my grandpa died. and i really think that's what messed everything up because i totally withdrew... and you just can't do that your freshman year of college. everything i had rooted myself in came totally crashing down-- i thought God was on my side and suddenly i had lost the one person in my family i knew was always there for me and it just didn't make sense.
i've never had much of a family, i was too far away to have close, healthy relationships with my old friends and wasn't really making new friends. everything about st olaf was screaming at me to give up my faith-- 95% of the students and faculty at st olaf are just so far from the truth and i had a hard time finding people that were staying strong in their faith. and a lot of the people i did find either ended up slipping into the lifestyle of the majority of the people at st olaf or decided they wanted nothing to do with me for some reason. my sophomore year i was faced with the possibility of cancer and the fragility of my own life. and then the people i had gone to church with from home were reprimanding me for any doubts i had about my faith and where i was. i honestly don't think things could have been more unbearable.
and i felt so guilty that i was so miserable. i mean, christians are supposed to be joyful, right? i was so un-joyful that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me and it didn't feel like God even wanted to have anything to do with me after a while because He felt so distant. and somehow, i got through and i'm back to the beginning. somehow i never let go. i have no idea where that strength came from, because pretty much every aspect of my life was tearing me apart from every direction. i guess as distant from God as i felt, He was always there holding me up, because somehow i'm still standing. the best song to describe that part of my life, i think, is You Alone by david crowder. i remember singing that in selah, often literally alone because no one i knew would go with me and singing "i will worship You alone." i'm sure that's not exactly what the author of the song meant but that's what it meant to me-- and that's really the epitome of what st olaf taught me-- that my faith wasn't grounded in the people around me, but Him. He is the reason i'm where i am-- the only possible way i could be where i am today.
until now, i look at that part of my life with bitterness and try to distance myself from it, because that is me broken. i was more broken at st olaf than i ever thought i could be. but that's right where God wanted me, and although i felt like a mess of a person, that really was a beautiful season in my life because it brought me SO close to God and i know that i will never let go.
this is one of the songs i wrote at st olaf when i was probably the most miserable... a song i was embarrassed to sing to people at the time, but i think a song that was definitely brought to me from God, if even just for me and not for me to perform:
so much more
i'm finding now today, i'm standing here alone
seems i've lost my way
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.
what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away, day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way--
this broken path i'm travelling?
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive, helps me understand
i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, it's time to let go
and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You: i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries: i throw them to the wind.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
the last two years were two of the hardest years of my life-- when all my worst fears were brought to life and it was so painful and lonely and confusing. i can't even begin to describe just how painful st olaf was for me-- moving away from home was hard and it didn't help that my dad was more than anxious for me to leave. i was far away from everything i knew and it was kind of scary-- and then my grandpa died. and i really think that's what messed everything up because i totally withdrew... and you just can't do that your freshman year of college. everything i had rooted myself in came totally crashing down-- i thought God was on my side and suddenly i had lost the one person in my family i knew was always there for me and it just didn't make sense.
i've never had much of a family, i was too far away to have close, healthy relationships with my old friends and wasn't really making new friends. everything about st olaf was screaming at me to give up my faith-- 95% of the students and faculty at st olaf are just so far from the truth and i had a hard time finding people that were staying strong in their faith. and a lot of the people i did find either ended up slipping into the lifestyle of the majority of the people at st olaf or decided they wanted nothing to do with me for some reason. my sophomore year i was faced with the possibility of cancer and the fragility of my own life. and then the people i had gone to church with from home were reprimanding me for any doubts i had about my faith and where i was. i honestly don't think things could have been more unbearable.
and i felt so guilty that i was so miserable. i mean, christians are supposed to be joyful, right? i was so un-joyful that nobody wanted to have anything to do with me and it didn't feel like God even wanted to have anything to do with me after a while because He felt so distant. and somehow, i got through and i'm back to the beginning. somehow i never let go. i have no idea where that strength came from, because pretty much every aspect of my life was tearing me apart from every direction. i guess as distant from God as i felt, He was always there holding me up, because somehow i'm still standing. the best song to describe that part of my life, i think, is You Alone by david crowder. i remember singing that in selah, often literally alone because no one i knew would go with me and singing "i will worship You alone." i'm sure that's not exactly what the author of the song meant but that's what it meant to me-- and that's really the epitome of what st olaf taught me-- that my faith wasn't grounded in the people around me, but Him. He is the reason i'm where i am-- the only possible way i could be where i am today.
until now, i look at that part of my life with bitterness and try to distance myself from it, because that is me broken. i was more broken at st olaf than i ever thought i could be. but that's right where God wanted me, and although i felt like a mess of a person, that really was a beautiful season in my life because it brought me SO close to God and i know that i will never let go.
this is one of the songs i wrote at st olaf when i was probably the most miserable... a song i was embarrassed to sing to people at the time, but i think a song that was definitely brought to me from God, if even just for me and not for me to perform:
so much more
i'm finding now today, i'm standing here alone
seems i've lost my way
and yet i'm finding that it's still hard to admit
that i'm not okay.
what's happened to my life?
it's slipping away, day by day.
is this the whole story?
is this the only way--
this broken path i'm travelling?
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp
Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive, helps me understand
i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know
to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, it's time to let go
and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i've held onto that doesn't lead to You: i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries: i throw them to the wind.
rethinking what i've been and undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
Friday, November 02, 2007
school
so i'm skipping class to try to maintain some of my sanity-- i really hate college. i guess that's kind of a generalization, because when i use the word college i could be talking about life in general right now, about school, about my dorm... and this time i mean that i hate school. and i guess i'm not a huge fan of college in general, although bethel is pretty great for the most part. k i'm going to elaborate instead of rambling...
in high school i was an A-/B+ student-- i got almost all A's and B's and i think one C. i'm not a straight-a student, and i'm not going to say i'm a genius, but it was mostly because school was never a top priority for me. but for some reason, in college school kind of pushes its way to the top of your list of priorities. and my problem right now is that i just can't do it. it just can't mean that much to me and it never will. i can give up some nights with my friends, i can give up the amount of income i make (to an extent) for school events, etc. i can give up some sleep, some meals, some time. but there's a line. when i'm pulling 4 all-nighters in a week, i really don't think that's okay. when i get migraines almost every night because i'm not sleeping and i'm having to skip at least one meal every day, that's not okay. when i'm not able to have dinner with my friend for his birthday without failing a test, that's not okay. and when i don't have time to fellowship and i'm too exhausted to go to church on sundays and fall asleep when i pray at night, that's REALLY not okay. and the funny thing is, i'm giving in and letting school have control over all these areas in my life, and i'm STILL turning assignments in late and failing tests. i mean, i'm doing well, but i'm not doing THAT well and with all the time i'm putting into it, you would think i would be. i really just don't have enough time for anything.
and now i'm going to lead a Bible study. and so many people have told me that its stupid because i have so much going on in my life and i already can't keep up with schoolwork. you know what-- f school work. that's not a very christian to say, but i feel like in college everyone begins to miss the point. its really no surprise that so many people start losing their faith in college, because even at Bethel where God is encouraged to be the focus of your life and there isn't as much of a drinking problem or anything like that, you really don't have time to focus on anything else. God wants you to be still and know that He is God-- and Bethel is probably the craziest my life has ever been and i don't have ANY time to do be still. and now is when i need Him more than ever-- now when everything in my life is changing and i don't live at home, i make my own decisions and He's the only person i have left to depend on.
when i'm breathing my last breath and i finally see Jesus face to face, what really matters most? school matters but it just doesn't matter that much and i'm tired of having to give it everything or fail. its frustrating and annoying. my hope is built on nothing less-- not society or education or money. i can give it a part of my life and strive to work to my potential and be all i was made to be, but i cannot do that without Him and if i have to choose, i choose Him.
in high school i was an A-/B+ student-- i got almost all A's and B's and i think one C. i'm not a straight-a student, and i'm not going to say i'm a genius, but it was mostly because school was never a top priority for me. but for some reason, in college school kind of pushes its way to the top of your list of priorities. and my problem right now is that i just can't do it. it just can't mean that much to me and it never will. i can give up some nights with my friends, i can give up the amount of income i make (to an extent) for school events, etc. i can give up some sleep, some meals, some time. but there's a line. when i'm pulling 4 all-nighters in a week, i really don't think that's okay. when i get migraines almost every night because i'm not sleeping and i'm having to skip at least one meal every day, that's not okay. when i'm not able to have dinner with my friend for his birthday without failing a test, that's not okay. and when i don't have time to fellowship and i'm too exhausted to go to church on sundays and fall asleep when i pray at night, that's REALLY not okay. and the funny thing is, i'm giving in and letting school have control over all these areas in my life, and i'm STILL turning assignments in late and failing tests. i mean, i'm doing well, but i'm not doing THAT well and with all the time i'm putting into it, you would think i would be. i really just don't have enough time for anything.
and now i'm going to lead a Bible study. and so many people have told me that its stupid because i have so much going on in my life and i already can't keep up with schoolwork. you know what-- f school work. that's not a very christian to say, but i feel like in college everyone begins to miss the point. its really no surprise that so many people start losing their faith in college, because even at Bethel where God is encouraged to be the focus of your life and there isn't as much of a drinking problem or anything like that, you really don't have time to focus on anything else. God wants you to be still and know that He is God-- and Bethel is probably the craziest my life has ever been and i don't have ANY time to do be still. and now is when i need Him more than ever-- now when everything in my life is changing and i don't live at home, i make my own decisions and He's the only person i have left to depend on.
when i'm breathing my last breath and i finally see Jesus face to face, what really matters most? school matters but it just doesn't matter that much and i'm tired of having to give it everything or fail. its frustrating and annoying. my hope is built on nothing less-- not society or education or money. i can give it a part of my life and strive to work to my potential and be all i was made to be, but i cannot do that without Him and if i have to choose, i choose Him.
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