if You want me to

"the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why You brought me here.
but just because You love me the way that You do
i am going to walk the valley if You want me to.

cause i'm not who i was when i took my first steps
and i'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet.
so if all of these trials bring me closer to You
and i will go through the fire if you want me to.

it may not be the way i would have chosen
when You lead me through a world that's not my home.
but You never said it would be easy
You only said i'd never go alone.

so when the whole world turns against me
and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear You answer my cries for help,
i remember the suffering You're love put You through.
and i'll go through the valley if You want me to."

just a few things running through my head lately.. not that i'm necessarily suffering or discontent. i've had worse things happen, and while not everything in my life is necessarily going EXACTLY the way i would have liked it to go, i'm not really unhappy. there are so many blessings: my new job/career, my trip to europe this january, etc. but i guess the reason that song goes through my head is that i'm beginning to realize how little i have control over. i mean, i planned out my life, i planned out all my dreams. i wanted to be married right after college, have kids at age 27. i wanted to be a singer, i wanted to be friends with the same people forever. and the thing is, most of those things aren't working out the way i thought they would. and things aren't really bad-- just different.

and just looking back, i would have never in a million years thought i'd be in the place i am today. i could never have planned it out.. all the twists and turns my life has taken me. and i can't tell you how glad i am that i wasn't homeschooled for the rest of my life-- that kind of goes without saying. i'm also glad that i ended up graduating from rockford, even though i don't regret having gone to buffalo. i'm so glad i'm at bethel now, but i think that it was beneficial to go to st olaf. i mean, there are so many people i would have never known, so many experiences i would have never gone through, learned from. i am not who i was when i took my first steps-- i don't look the same, i don't think the same way, i don't believe the same things. i have grown-- i'm an adult.. how weird is that. and i wouldn't be at all the same person if i hadn't gone through all those things. but if i had seen my life, had known what was going to happen, i would not have chosen it. i would have chosen my picture perfect dreams, but would that have been best? i'm glad i went through all those things, that i'm not necessarily in control of my life, because its brought me to bigger better things than anything i would have pictured 10 years ago.

and, don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm sad that i'm not married, that i haven't grown up being friends with the same people since kindergarten, i have no idea who will end up being in my wedding-- bridesmaids and groom. i mean, friends come and go and it hurts. life will bring me to a path that i'm not necessarily thrilled to go down-- like my cancer scare? fun? not so much. but its not necessarily bad. its just not always what i thought i wanted.

basically, i don't even know what i really want-- even when i think i do-- let alone what i really need. so it just makes sense to let the person who knew me yesterday, today, tomorrow, who knows me inside and outside and knows everything about the rest of the world and all it will bring, control my life. who would have thought i'd be a business major? i never would have dreamed that would make me happy. and here i am. i know nothing about anything. so its time to just let go. stop running towards the past and just live in the uncertainty of todays. embrace the new friendships, new jobs, all the situations i'm in now and let go of things that are beyond my control. this world isn't even my home-- i'm being led through. just let go and understand God has a plan.

so yeah, deep stuff. but life can be deep.