looking for love in all the wrong places...

okay, maybe this isn't the best way to start out my first blog of this new schoolyear. i'm only motivated to write in this when there's something weighing heavily on me-- not necessarily in a bad way, but its hard to just right about the bla. boring. but i'll give you a quick update first.

school this year = amazing. i'll expand on that. life this semester = amazing. i am SO blessed and i'm just totally aware of it, and that isn't typical for me, as downer-ish as that sounds. i mean, obviously there are some things that are just not good, but i am SO happy with everything so far. i love living at bethel, i'm really enjoying pretty much ALL of my classes, i'm excited about my major and i'm realistically making exciting plans for myself before i graduate (which is in less than 2 years from now-- yikes!) card night is probably one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me-- haha an exaggeration, but i LOVE being able to host people and have people over all the time. just something that i've never been able to do before, because my mom can be a little psycho. and i LOVE LOVE LOVE my roommates, especially allison. it seems like every time i pray for another close friend, God brings someone amazing to me, and this time God brought me allison. she's like my mom, my friend and my counselor... freakin weirdo, but a perfect roommate. and the rest of them are pretty great too. i'm getting to know a lot more people this semester and kind of starting to get over being shy and self conscious and just put myself out there and be who i am-- at bethel, at work, etc. and my relationship with God is steadily improving. minus being super busy, hating the music department and being sick all the time, life is about as good as it has ever been and mostly because of the people in it... and that probably includes most of my readers (which seems to be about 2.) but hey, you make me happy, i don't know why i can't just say it to your face ha.

now for the heavily weighing issue.

i am single. that's not really the problem, just part of it. i'm okay with being single, i don't really need someone to define me or anything. that used to be an issue-- actually it was a huge issue for a really long time, but now its not that anymore. its just hard to be getting older and to see so many of my friends getting married and just not feel like all my dreams are quickly running through my fingers like a handful of sand. you know the dreams you dream when you are a little girl about going to prom, getting your license, graduating high school, getting married, going to college. its not that i had my whole life planned out in stone, but high on that list of dreams was getting married and i wanted to be young, i wanted to be just out of college and i wanted to be with someone just amazing. and with less than two years left of college, its not going to happen. until this year, there was hope and now there really isn't.

and the problem is that i don't think its totally impossible, i just don't think the right thing is totally possible right now. i mean, i could meet some random person now and be like every other person at bethel and just get married right away. but would that be good for me? probably not. i probably don't even know the person i'm going to marry yet and getting married quickly is such a bad idea. i could marry someone i already know, but that would either have to be a) one of my close friends, b) someone from work or c) someone from st olaf. and, well, i've pretty much decided my friends are pretty much off limits right now because i just love them too much and not in that way. and you might not understand that if you don't know me very well, but if you knew my past at all you definitely will. and then everyone else i know is just totally not right for me. its not like i haven't had anyone like me within the last 3 years-- not true at all-- and i can't even say i haven't had the opportunity to date someone i'm physically attracted to or had chemistry with. and that's the hardest part. i've had boys dangling in front of my face time and time again and what little conscience inside of me has made me run the other way 95% of the time-- 5% percent of the time i waited and ended up running anyway and crying... a lot.

its just not fair! why can't there be someone good AND attractive that i have chemistry with?? its like i've experienced a handful of people in every category but never a combination of the three. and i could believe that God is holding out someone for me, but i'm on the edge of having all my dreams ripped apart and beginning to reach the start of my greatest fear-- having to spend my life alone. i'm well on my way down that path, minus friends, but as much as i like to believe we will be friends forever, how can i bank on that? its not like we're going to make vows that we will be with each other through sickness and in health till death do us part. we have no idea where life will take us. and with very little family left (with hardly any to begin with, anyway), it just scares me.

allie (my lovely roommate) is telling me i'm looking in all the wrong places. i'm branching out where i shouldn't branch out (work, st olaf) and not branching out where i should (bethel.) but really. i just don't see how its possible. do you agree?

its just hard because i'm like running in circles and so tempted to just settle and make out with the guy that has nothing holding HIM back, or date the guy i will never have any future with. i'm sure God is just laughing as He's watching the whole master plan unfold, but its so hard to just trust that He knows best even though i know He knows everything.

k that was an extremely long rant, but i'm sure some of you can relate. life is scary, but i do have to admit i'm enjoying it. i just wish God would just TELL me already.