defined.

that's one thing that's really hit me lately. people, usually subconsciously, hold expectations for you-- i don't necessarily mean that they expect you to be a good person or live a certain way, though that may be true-- but they decide who they think you are and they expect you to be that person. if you usually don't do well in school, they expect you to not do well in school. if you usually sleep around, they expect you to... sleep around. if you are really funny and outgoing, they expect you to usually be funny and outgoing. it's not like it's illogical, it makes sense. if something happens a certain amount of times, you would naturally expect it to happen again.

but it can really box people in-- especially if someone is trying to change. some people can get really threatened when things change, when the people they knew before are suddenly not the people that they are used to. i find myself a lot of times living up to other people's expectations for me. if enough people tell me i am something, i usually start to live up to that role, which can be a really good thing or a really bad thing. i think it can be a good thing when people hold you up to a certain level-- as the good girl, as a role model, as an achiever, because it encourages you to live up to the person they perceive you to be. but when people think that you're not smart, or you're not hard-working, or you're not a good person, it can be really hard to break free from being that person. obviously there are some limits, like a homely person will probably never be a model, i don't think i will ever be a professional dancer, some people are physically incapable of running or playing sports or mentally incapable of doing well in school. but most people are capable of a lot of things and somehow, psychologically, the way people perceive them can really affect what kind of person they become and what kind of things they are capable of doing.

for example, in psych, i learned about an experiment done in a classroom. i don't remember everything exactly, but someone came in to a classroom and all the students an "iq test." the results were only given to the teacher and they were false-- a lot of students that actually had iq's were said to have low iq's and a lot of people that actually had low iq's were said to have high iq's. the researchers monitored the classroom and at the end of the year, the people that the teacher thought had high iq's had the highest grades and the students the teacher thought had the lowest iq's had the lowest grades. it didn't matter who they really were or what they were really capable of, it mattered what the students THOUGHT they really were and were really capable of. what you say about people is really really important-- it can really affect everything. i think sometimes it can even be just one thing that someone says to a person that changes the way they live and who they become, whether encouraging or discouraging.

this problem has really been made clear to me lately, in my own life and in the lives of people that are close to me. i think the hardest thing for jake right now is not just getting over any chemical dependencies, but it's almost impossible for him to change his life because of what people expect from him. every time he tries to quit or he tries to go to church, people make it clear that they don't really believe he will stick with it. and obviously, every time he has tried before he hasn't... so it's not unnatural for people to think that. but when everyone in your life doesn't believe you are capable of overcoming something, it's really really hard to overcome it. it doesn't matter if they want you to overcome it, they're expectations become a sort of barrier and not only do they have to overcome the problems, but they have to overcome their reputation-- two huge things. and most of the time these two huge barriers together are just too much.

lately, he's been doing better. i don't know if he's still doing drugs or anything, but i know at least he is becoming ambitious and he's doing well in school and planning to go to college and do something he would love to do. his last semester in school, he got all a's and one b... which never happens. and in one of his classes he got the highest score of everyone in every section. and i'm sure my parents congratulated him, but they were skeptical and said "really? did you cheat? did you study?" i don't know... that just makes me so angry! and it's not unnatural for them to be skeptical, but why can't you just be glad that he's trying and believe that he is capable of becoming a better person and living a decent life? i really believe he is, and it's really frustrating to me when people make it clear that they don't think he can. just saying that one thing could make all the difference in his life. you just have to be so careful what you think and what you say.

and then in my own life, i'm realizing that sometimes people just don't know what they're talking about. my boss kind of took it to the extreme and told me i sucked at everything. and obviously this isn't true, so i'm learning to try to work to my potential even when i'm told that i'm not capable of it. and then when i cleaned my room this week after unpacking, my mom and some of my friends both said something that implied that this was so unlike me. which really bothered me, because ever since i've left for college, i've been working hard at keeping my room clean. and it's a challenge-- my family doesn't really prioritize keeping things clean, so i have to teach myself to remember to pick up my things, to notice that the floor is gross or something like that, to do my laundry right when i need to. and yeah, sometimes i still don't, but people shouldn't limit me... because that is something i've been able to change, you just haven't really seen it yet because i've been gone.

i think God makes it clear He recognizes this problem by telling us to encourage each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. it's really really important. i think there a lot of things most people are capable of and i think there are some things that everyone is capable of. i think everyone is capable of being a good person-- even murderers, thieves and drug dealers-- and everyone deep down is capable of really genuinely loving. that was what was so amazing about captivating and wild at heart-- they told you who you really are-- that the person you really are is beautiful. and i really believe that. and i think everyone needs to realize that everything they say is important and also know that it doesn't really matter what people say or think about you. you are what you are, but you are capable of a lot more than you think.